Dear  SadSoul:

As I read your reply, at a couple of points,  I thought I was reading my own words. I was impressed overall by your understanding. (Also, it’s nice to read that someone read through my thread, and that someone- you-  was kind enough to let me know they’re reading).

“Your mother is a piece. I have no words. I’m horrified“- horrified I am, and I am purposefully using the present tense. It was only yesterday, following some interaction with people irl, that I became aware that the child within me is still that same horrified child, looking for someone to save her. In her mind (my brain, which unlike skin cells, doesn’t shed over time), it is all still happening, present tense. She is still looking for, hoping for a way out, someone to take me into their big arms and protect me, care for me.. to feel safe in their pure, no-strings-attached embrace (ahh.. how does it feel?)

“The coyote distracted you from all other emotions!“- I never thought about it this way, but true: the here-and-now distracted me from the repeat of the there-and-then.

(This is the principle behind Mindfulness as a therapeutic tool and practice).

Fear about clear-and-present danger replaced my Anxiety, for a short while.

“Not suggesting you had butt coyotes regularly as a diversion!“- haha aka lol.

“All emotions stem from chemical releases the body creates… If we’re constantly flooded with flight fight chemicals our body gets good at releasing more of them in a vicious cycle. A childhood filled with fear teaches the brain to be on high alert all the time. It doesn’t know how to relax and signal the body to create nice chemical releases“- said so well, couldn’t say it better.

Just now, a few seconds ago, as I typed “couldn’t say it better”, I heard my mother-monster’s voice being upset by these 3 words. I don’t remember her criticism, it passed through my brain so quickly, but it resulted in fear: SadSoul will be upset with me, she will be angry!

What did I hear her say, in my mind’s ear.. I am trying to remember.. I think I heard her say: who do you think you are??? Of course, you couldn’t have said it better.. do you think you are this much of a person that you could have said it better? You piece of ****, you nothing of a person, keep your head down, this is where you belong, down and under!

“We can actively turn it around, but it takes a very long time, and a great deal of commitment with only very small improvements that sometimes aren’t very obvious“- said so perfectly. So, here I am afraid, afraid of you, SadSoul, a person who never hurt me, afraid of you because she has hurt me.

“I went through a dreadful time a few years back, and I made myself go walking a lot, because while walking although my brain did wander to the things I was suffering from, it also had to focus on where I put my feet… And during those moments a slice of my agony pie was replaced with other things“- agony pie, what a unique, original wording. Again, it’s the Mindfulness principle, focusing on the here-and-now, and in so doing, distracting oneself from the anxiety that’s about the there-and-then being on repeat.

“After a few too many years there are moments of sunshine in my life. I laughed the other day. True laughter. I hadn’t laughed in years!“- this is making me smile, I wonder if you laughed since..?

anita