Dear SadSoul:

I wrote: “to feel safe in their pure, no-strings-attached embrace (ahh.. how does it feel?)”, and you responded: “I don’t really know how that feels… It’s an emotion that generally is in a person because they were bonded with their mother figure (that could be a male also) when a baby or small child.  Can’t really go back, can we?“- the problem, as I see it, is that we, those of us not knowing how it feels (I’ll speak for myself here): it’s not that I moved forward and can’t go back, it’s that the biggest part of me is back there, back there and then, waiting for that embrace, so that I can move forward.

I am moving forward these days, and this is the purpose of my thread.

“You could take up an extreme and life threatening sport to fill in the anxiety gaps lolll!“- I bet that this is what those involved in such sports are getting out of it. Watching scary movies served me this way, for years. Don’t do that anymore.

“Don’t ever worry about me being angry.  I don’t get angry very often.  It’s an emotion I haven’t been able to feel…  Not being allowed to protect myself from the parentals / relatives / etc. while growing up might be why I don’t feel that emotion… I also watched every single season of Pretty Little Liars.  I hated it so much.  It made me angry“- I was punished by my mother for my anger at her, but I felt it nonetheless, intensely, regularly, I looked at her with anger (as a teenager), wanting her to see it. It was the only strength I had, to look at her angrily.

“In time I think you’ll move past being afraid, just have to spend time experiencing, and your fears will fade as time proves you don’t need to protect yourself“- amen.

“No laughs since but have felt like there is a ray of sunshine in most days.  So much improve on where I was at a month ago.  Have you laughed?  Or smiled?“- a bit, earlier today, and now that I remember it, when I made a choice that was more intelligent than I was able to make before.

“I think it helps to have some kind of contact with people.  To share our experiences gives a feeling of understanding.  It creates value in us?  It does for me anyway“- yes. Yesterday, on my walk, there were a few vehicles passing the private roads where I walk, and the custom is to wave at each other: the driver waves at me, I wave at the driver. As that happened, I was aware of a feeling of elation, and it occurred to me right there and there, that it must be what dogs feel when they greet each other, wagging their tails.

“I’ll go and imagine your day filled with walking down coyote strewn by-ways, boldly frightening bears back to their porridge, taking your basket of cake to grandma!  No wolfie will trick you into picking flowers!“- haha. Unfortunately, I heard reports that WOLVES are roaming around the area, didn’t hear them yet, but the thought of being confronted by wolves is.. well, it’d require more than bear spray!

anita