Dear Ben:

I am glad the visit was fine overall, and I am sorry that the old distress and overthinking (not surprising to me) has been more intense after the visit ended.

“I’ve remembered these past weeks… what you said before about how I struggle to believe I’m loved, and I think it’s a bit of that. The classic psychotherapy trick – what’s the evidence? – doesn’t really hold true. He still calls every day, and has gotten upset that it’s always him calling me (I wait for him to call, always). I’m planning to go visit him in July, only a couple months away, and he wants to come visit me again in December… I think I resent the distance a bit – maybe him too? (how dare he, really, not be sad about it!)… I remind myself I’m still supporting him, and I think that causes a big resentment because I feel it causes an uneven balance – I feel like he owes me… I worry about the time too. Distance can be fine, but 4 years of this?… I love him, easier and more openly than anyone else, and I believe he loves me too. I don’t want to give up something that feels this good and that can come along so rarely. But I think a part of me is really doubting if it can really work, keep working, if it can last. The hardest question keeps cropping up – do I want this? I never know if I have a real answer“-

-What I am getting from the above is that there are four emotions interacting here: anxiety (which is an emotional, long-term condition involving fear), hurt, anger and love. The old hurt of growing up rejected/ unsupported by your father attaches itself to your boyfriend, followed by anger at him, as if he already rejected you; fear of being rejected by him leads to anger at him, involving thinking negatively about him, so to motivate yourself to reject him before he rejects you.

“His whole attitude this Easter has irritated me – I just find it so… frustrating! Especially when he’s in a gay relationship and doesn’t see any issues with being a whole hearted defender of Catholicism?!“- as I see it, this is an example of you thinking negatively about him (suggesting that he is a hypocrite, perhaps) so to motivate yourself to.. reject him/ end the relationship) before he rejects you (before he ends the relationship with you).

(Personally, I think it’s fine for a gay man to celebrate Easter and be part of a Catholic church as long as the particular church teaches tolerance, not prejudice/ homophobia).

Do you agree with some or all of the above?

anita