Dear antarkala:

I’ve known about R-OCD for many years, and I occasionally come across it in these forums. I just googled “rocd, tiny buddha forums” and what appeared is a Dec 2017 thread, in which I participated, titled “ROCD“. Original post: “Does anyone else suffer from this. Do you have any tips to try and overcome it?”

My answer (Dec 29, 2017): “My tips: evaluate the relationship rationally. If your boyfriend behaves toward you with empathy and respect, if he is assertive with you, not passive or aggressive, and encourages you to be assertive as well, if it is a good relationship (although not perfect, as it can’t be perfect) and you often enough feel love for him, but you are doubting it repeatedly, for a long time, then quality psychotherapy may be the answer.

In psychotherapy, anxiety, the core issue in ROCD (and in so many, many conditions and symptoms), will need to be attended to, early experiences and relationships  (with your parents, mostly) will need to be explored.

A break or separation may be necessary if your distress is too great and/or if your doubting causes him distress and is harming him.“

Another, a Jan 2018 thread, in which I participated as well, titled “ROCD help me“, original post: “I’ve been struggling with rocd for almost 4 months now and I’ve just become completely exhausted and depressed by the constant overthinking and checking if I still love my bf… I still have that awful weight on my chest that I’m just not in love with him and that breaking up is the right thing to do”.

My response (Jan 8, 2018): “The relief you feel when you think of ending the relationship is about ending the obsession. The obsession is painful. It is a painful way to live, as you well know.

If you are not currently attending psychotherapy and working on this, then you do need to end this obsession somehow. It is better to not be in a relationship with him than it is to be obsessed, I am thinking.“

Here is another, a May 2020 thread titled “ROCD Or do I not love him?” Original post: “..Around the first month of us being together, I was thinking about him in class. While thinking about him, the thought ‘Do I really love him’ Came to mind. Once this came to mind, I started to obsess with the thought. I started comparing our relationship to past relationships and I started searching stuff up online for temporary relief. Fast forward to now, it still happens. I’m constantly observing my feelings and my moods… There’s no reason why I wouldn’t love him. There’s been no red flags or anything…. I was wondering if anyone had advice or any idea of what it is?..”

My response, May 3, 2020, (quotes from the OP are italicized): “‘I was craving him every second. Now, .. I don’t feel like that’– craving someone every second is not sustainable, it is too exhausting to the brain/ body, therefore this craving is time limited.

‘when I get upset with him or want some time alone’– that happens to everyone, in the best relationships. We feel upset once in a while, and upset or not, at times we need to be alone.

All OCD is based on ongoing fear aka anxiety. Your focus on loving him or not is fueled by your anxiety. You wrote that you didn’t experience this obsessing before, with other men. Maybe it is happening to you at this point because of elevated anxiety overall, maybe pandemic related?“

Here’s an Oct 2022 thread titled: “Crippling Relationship Anxiety – Please Help“. Original post: “I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We have grown together so much in this time. We are not perfect, but we are strong, and we have a very healthy relationship… We are kind, loving, supportive, and we cherish our relationship. We have lived together for about a year and a half and have built the most beautiful life together in a really beautiful place that feels like home. It has been one of the happiest times in my life. I haven’t ever felt so loved, so close to another human, and just so grateful to be in this life and to be this lucky. I have always suffered from mild anxiety and self esteem issues. … About a month ago, out of the blue, I started having extremely intrusive thoughts about ending our relationship. It causes me to feel the lowest I have ever felt in my life. I have breakdowns, panic attacks, and cannot function properly. It is truly consuming my life and making me feel depressed and hopeless. In my head I picture telling him that I don’t love him anymore (which hurts the most). I picture getting on a plane and leaving my whole life here with him…”.

From one of my replies to the OP (Oct 7, 2022): “... My understanding of what happened, based on your three posts: your childhood experience growing up, particularly your relationships with your parents/ immediate family, occasionally involved severe anxiety for you. Like children do, over time, you repressed as much as possible of that anxiety, pushing it down and away from your awareness. But because emotional repression cannot be done perfectly and there are cracks, some of the anxiety kept seeping through the cracks and to the surface, and therefore, you ‘have always suffered from mild anxiety’.

A month ago, the severe anxiety did not just seep through to the surface (in the form of mild anxiety), it erupted to the surface in its original form: severe anxiety…reads to me like you are still, presently, trying to make your immediate family happy and it is too much pressure for you… It is time for you to really leave your immediate family home behind  (something you’ve wanted to do for a long, long time, isn’t it?), to give up on your old goal in life (to make your immediate family happy), and to form a new, fresh goal…  seeing a medical doctor for possible psychiatric evaluation and medication is an option that may bring you that immediate relief… quality psychotherapy will be best. You may need an immediate relief option (medication and/ or regular, daily mindfulness practices) while attending therapy so that you can benefit from therapy…“.

In an Oct 18, 2020 reply to the same member, I wrote: “I re-read your posts and it seems to me, based on my personal experience with anxiety,  that the following may be the main source of your anxiety (with or without intrusive thoughts): ‘My mom… has so much unresolved trauma… My brother and I were always affected by this‘ – like I wrote to you before, young children absorb their mothers’ expressed childhood/ early life trauma like sponges, so her trauma becomes her children’s trauma by absorption. This is what happened in my case: my mother expressed her unresolved trauma in my presence many, many times and it affected me terribly, it was as if what happened to  her.. happened to me…“

Same OP started a 2nd thread Dec 2023 thread titled “Does this sound like ROCD or just anxiety? Need some insight/ advice please”. Original post: “…I get these horrible intrusive thoughts about my significant other. We have been together for 7 happy years and these thoughts make me feel depressed, angry, and confused. They always get triggered by some kind of small action that he makes. Things that should just pass by, feel like an explosion of emotions in my head and body. For example, we were leaving the store a couple days ago with just one item. As we finished checking out, he started to walk towards the exit without grabbing the one item, assuming I would grab it (which I did no problem. My hands were not full. It was a small item. I was 100% capable.) However, I immediately felt this overwhelming sensation with negative thoughts like ‘he doesn’t take care of you.’ ‘how can he be so rude to the person he is supposed to love’ ‘he is so inconsiderate’… These thoughts put me in panics. They make me question everything. Every move he makes, I try to analyze…”.

From my reply, Dec 15, 2023: “…– seems to me that when your significant other (I’ll refer to him as S) left the item for you to carry, your suppressed and repressed anger from your childhood erupted. The incident of S leaving the item for you to carry was a small incident, but your childhood pent up anger is HUGE, and your emotional reaction to the incident was proportional to the amount of your pushed-down anger at your parents for guilt tripping you and making their love for you conditional on you submitting to their guilt… it is very difficult for most (if not all) children and adult children to talk negatively about their parents, particularly when heavily guilt tripped as children, but it is necessary to do so when one’s parents’ behaviors were indeed significantly or severely negative, having created an emotional backlog of (understandable, valid) hurt, anger and fear inside you. Quality psychotherapy is the best place to do it, to talk and process these backlogged, pushed down intense feelings, so that their intensity lessens and lessens and you reach a place of peace within yourself.“

These are only a few of the many threads from the tiny buddha forums dealing with ROCD, many (including one currently on the first page of topics) that deal with ROCD, many not having the term in the title (so they don’t come up in the google search). It’s important to remember that not all people suffering from ROCD suffer from it in the exact same ways and intensity.

Also, OCD is an official diagnosis, ROCD is not an official diagnosis. ROCD refers to one of the themes of OCD (other common themes: “fear of contamination, fears about being responsible for harming the self or others” (Wikipedia). I was diagnosed myself with OCD, and my dominant theme was fears of harming others.<sup id=”cite_ref-pmid27148087_4-1″ class=”reference”></sup>

From Wikipedia/ ROCD: “People may continuously doubt whether they love their partner, whether their relationship is the ‘right’ relationship or whether their partner really loves them. <sup id=”cite_ref-DoronA_7-0″ class=”reference”></sup>When they know they love someone or that someone loves them, they constantly check and reassure themselves that it is the right feeling. When they attempt to end the relationship, they are overwhelmed with anxiety. By staying in the relationship, however, they are haunted by continuous doubts regarding the relationship.<sup id=”cite_ref-Doron_2014_169–180_3-2″ class=”reference”></sup>

“Another form of ROCD includes preoccupation, checking, and reassurance-seeking behaviors relating to the partner’s perceived flaws or deficits. These perceived deficits tend to be related to appearance, sociability, intelligence and morality and have been described using the term partner-focused OC symptoms. <sup id=”cite_ref-:1_8-0″ class=”reference”></sup>These symptoms tend to manifest as intrusive thoughts, images, and/or urges related to the relationship. There is often a great deal of distress associated with these symptoms, as they contradict one’s personal values and/or the subjective experience of the relationship. <sup id=”cite_ref-:1_8-1″ class=”reference”></sup>The individual views these symptoms as unacceptable and unwanted, invoking feelings of guilt and shame”.<sup id=”cite_ref-:1_8-2″ class=”reference”></sup>

I know that this is a long, comprehensive post. Please take your time with it.

I will add a shorter post in regard to applying the above to your personal story. Again, take your time with these, stop reading anytime you need a break, and continue at another time. No reason to rush.

anita