Dear Ben:

“Yesterday I could tell in the call with him he was starting to bear some resentment towards me because of my constant gloominess as of late… He said sometimes its like trying to fill in a hole that is impossible to fill. Or leading a thirsty man to water yet he refuses go drink“- yes, reads true, he has an accurate understanding of the situation.

“Like, as you said, a part of me refuses to accept love“- I think that you’ve been projecting your father into him, angry that he didn’t love you (when you were growing up), and refusing his love, as in protesting: Now you love me? TOO LATE!

Projection is tricky. The unloved child within us lives in the past.

“Yet with this guy who I love and has shown he wants to commit etc… I’m constantly trying to pick it apart. Like when a cat gets stuck in something“- I typed the above before reading this part, and this part here fits with what I typed above. You are indeed stuck in something: the past. The child within you, that is.

“allergic to just going with the flow“- I think that the child within you (a dominant part of you) refuses to go with the flow until such time that he is loved back there-and-then. It’s an impossibility, of course.. but he is stuck there. He doesn’t know that time has moved on.

“But whenever was love about protecting yourself from it?“- never. We protect ourselves from hurt, not from love. You anticipate hurt (in the future), so you protect yourself from it. Only again, it’s tricky: you are already hurt, and have been hurt for many years.

“Me living with my parents probably doesn’t help… my mother constantly acting as if my father is trying to undermine her/outwit her or take advantage… My mother has a lot of baggage – she holds on to receipts from supermarket shops from years ago“- I didn’t know this about your mother, she’s suspicious, untrusting. I am going to add a post in regard to this part after I submit this one.

“I’m constantly creating resentments too – reminding myself of ways I could be being taken advantage of or how I could be pulling cotton wool over my eyes… my mother constantly acting as if my father is trying to undermine her/outwit her or take advantage“- suspicion passed on by your mother.

“My boyfriend made mistakes, as anyone does, but I can’t seem to forgive him even as time marches on. I have to sort of deconstruct everything he does to make sure there isn’t a sign of this or that in his behaviour, so that there is no risk of betrayal or upset.“- I think that it can be a great help for you if you express the betrayal and upset that you experienced growing up (which you still experience because your child-within is living in the past). If you express thoughts and emotions involved in context of the then-and-there (the people and situations of the past), you’d be less likely to project the past into the present.

You can express it here, in your thread, if you want to. You can look at my thread, Fear, Anxiety and Healing. I submitted a post there yesterday about what I am suggesting that you do (the red wine is optional, of course, it’s not a recommendation, lol).

anita