Dear ManagoFandango:

Welcome back to the forums!

“this thing consumes me almost every day, I keep obsessing over it and overthink what to say and what to do. So, I got this job 3 years ago, when I first got it, I found a coworker, let’s call her B.  that was at first nice to me, and she helped me settle in.. After 2 years she got promoted, but she wasn’t my boss, she just had a higher position than me… she keeps asking me in the morning to buy her cigarettes (she did this more that 10 times), food or something, and sometimes doesn’t pay me back… She asks me to do things that are not my job… When I refuse she is passive-aggressive and treats me poorly like favouring other employees“-

What you describe reads like a Workplace Bullying situation.

healthline/ what is workplace bullying?: “Workplace bullying is harmful, targeted behavior that happens at work. It might be spiteful, offensive, mocking, or intimidating. It forms a pattern, and it tends to be directed at one person or a few people… According to the Workplace Bullying Institute, more than 60 million working people in the United States are affected by bullying. Existing federal and state laws only protect workers against bullying when it involves physical harm or when the target belongs to a protected group, such as people living with disabilities or people of color. Since bullying is often verbal or psychological in nature, it may not always be visible to others…

“According to 2017 research from the Workplace Bullying Institute: * About 70 percent of bullies are male, and about 30 percent are female. * Both male and female bullies are more likely to target women. *Sixty-one percent of bullying comes from bosses or supervisors. Thirty-three percent comes from co-workers. The remaining 6 percent occurs when people at lower employment levels bully their supervisors or others above them…

“Bullying from managers might involve abuse of power, including negative performance reviews that aren’t justified, shouting or threats of firing or demotion, or denying time off or transfer to another department. People working at the same level often bully through gossip, work sabotage, or criticism. Bullying can occur between people who work closely together, but it also happens across departments. People who work in different departments may be more likely to bully through email or by spreading rumors. Lower level employees can bully those working above them. For example, someone might: * show continued disrespect to their manager * refuse to complete tasks * spread rumors about the manager * do things to make their manager seem incompetent.

“According to 2014 research from the Workplace Bullying Institute, people believed that targets of bullying were more likely to be kind, compassionate, cooperative, and agreeable…

“When experiencing bullying, it’s common to feel powerless and unable to do anything to stop it. If you try to stand up to the bully, you may be threatened or told no one will believe you. If it’s your manager bullying you, you may wonder who to tell. First, take a moment to remind yourself that bullying is never your fault, regardless of what triggered it. Even if someone bullies you by making it seem like you can’t do your job, bullying is more about power and control, not your work ability.

“Begin to take action against bullying with these steps: * Document the bullying. Keep track of all bullying actions in writing. Note the date, the time, where the bullying took place, and other people who were in the room. * Save physical evidence. Keep any threatening notes, comments, or emails you receive, even if they’re unsigned. If there are documents that can help prove bullying, such as denied PTO requests, overly harsh commentary on assigned work, and so on, keep these in a safe place. * Report the bullying. Your workplace may have a designated person you can talk to if you don’t feel safe talking to your direct supervisor. Human resources is a good place to start. It’s also possible to talk about the bullying with someone higher up if your supervisor is unhelpful or is the person doing the bullying. * Confront the bully. If you know who’s bullying you, bring along a trusted witness, such as a co-worker or supervisor, and ask them to stop — if you feel comfortable doing so. Be calm, direct, and polite. * Review work policies. Your employee handbook may outline steps of action or policies against bullying. Also consider reviewing state or even federal policies about the type of bullying you’re experiencing. * Seek legal guidance. Consider talking to a lawyer, depending on the circumstances of the bullying. Legal action may not always be possible, but a lawyer can offer specific advice. * Reach out to others. Co-workers may be able to offer support. Talking to your loved ones about the bullying can also help. You can also talk to a therapist. They can provide professional support and help you explore ways to cope with the effects of bullying while you take other action. If you’re a member of a union, your union representative may be able to offer some guidance and support on how to deal with bullying. You can also look into your employer’s employee assistance program, if they have one. EAPs help you access resources to address a variety of issues that can affect your mental health and overall well-being.

Back to your original post: “Going to my boss or HR I don’t think is an option as they are buddies, but I just can’t deal with this anymore. I feel like I always cross my own boundaries and resent myself for that.  Maybe there’s another way that I don’t see and you can help me with that“- maybe something inn the resource I quoted can help you.

very well mind/ signs and effects of workplace bullying and healthline/ workplace bullying, how to take action are two other resources. Wikipedia has a long entry on the topic with reference to different countries. I am sure that you can research resources in the country where you live.

You described a very difficult situation, which is not good for your physical and mental health. I hope things improve for you, by a lot!

anita