- This topic has 11 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 6 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
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April 3, 2024 at 11:00 am #430527ManagoFandangoParticipant
Hello, i’m here to ask about how to proceed in the situation I’m finding myself in. I hope to find some guidance because this thing consumes me almost every day, I keep obsessing over it and overthink what to say and what to do.
So I got this job 3 years ago, when I first got it, I found a coworker, let’s call her B. that was at first nice to me, and she helped me settle in, she put in a good word with the boss for me(with whom she gets along extremely well), and was, overall very welcoming. After 2 years she got promoted, but she wasn’t my boss, she just had a higher position than me.
My first red flag should have been the fact that she always speaks ill of other people(to exemplify “that idiot” “she’s very stupid” “that cunt”) and never to the person’s face. In the field that I am people usually are very competitive with each other, but I have never heard someone be like that.
Anyway, she keeps asking me in the morning to buy her cigarettes(she did this more that 10 times), food or something, and sometimes doesn’t pay me back. I sometimes avoid answering the text, but then she calls me. She asks me to do things that are not my job, but are hers, even when I’m overbooked already, and she always puts me on the spot(she doesn’t say to help a day ahead do I can plan accordingly)She even asked me to fill and submit a form for her husband, and lot of other things. When I refuse she is passive-aggresive and treats me poorly like favouring other employees even though I know that I come the earliest , leave home later and do more than my fair-share. Also she has her own subordinate(a man) that she never bosses around like this.
Going to my boss or HR I don’t think is an option as they are buddies, but I just can’t deal with this anymore. I feel like I always cross my own boundaries and resent myself for that. Maybe there’s another way that I don’t see and you can help me with that.
She helped me at first and I don’t want to be ungrateful, but in my own opinion I think that I helped her with more than my fair share.(Including filling in for her for some shifts for which she was paid, she lied that I can’t apply for those shifts, but I later found that I could of)
Please help me as I don’t know what to do anymore. Sorry for rambling, today was a hard day…
April 3, 2024 at 12:38 pm #430531anitaParticipantDear ManagoFandango:
Welcome back to the forums!
“this thing consumes me almost every day, I keep obsessing over it and overthink what to say and what to do. So, I got this job 3 years ago, when I first got it, I found a coworker, let’s call her B. that was at first nice to me, and she helped me settle in.. After 2 years she got promoted, but she wasn’t my boss, she just had a higher position than me… she keeps asking me in the morning to buy her cigarettes (she did this more that 10 times), food or something, and sometimes doesn’t pay me back… She asks me to do things that are not my job… When I refuse she is passive-aggressive and treats me poorly like favouring other employees“-
What you describe reads like a Workplace Bullying situation.
healthline/ what is workplace bullying?: “Workplace bullying is harmful, targeted behavior that happens at work. It might be spiteful, offensive, mocking, or intimidating. It forms a pattern, and it tends to be directed at one person or a few people… According to the Workplace Bullying Institute, more than 60 million working people in the United States are affected by bullying. Existing federal and state laws only protect workers against bullying when it involves physical harm or when the target belongs to a protected group, such as people living with disabilities or people of color. Since bullying is often verbal or psychological in nature, it may not always be visible to others…
“According to 2017 research from the Workplace Bullying Institute: * About 70 percent of bullies are male, and about 30 percent are female. * Both male and female bullies are more likely to target women. *Sixty-one percent of bullying comes from bosses or supervisors. Thirty-three percent comes from co-workers. The remaining 6 percent occurs when people at lower employment levels bully their supervisors or others above them…
“Bullying from managers might involve abuse of power, including negative performance reviews that aren’t justified, shouting or threats of firing or demotion, or denying time off or transfer to another department. People working at the same level often bully through gossip, work sabotage, or criticism. Bullying can occur between people who work closely together, but it also happens across departments. People who work in different departments may be more likely to bully through email or by spreading rumors. Lower level employees can bully those working above them. For example, someone might: * show continued disrespect to their manager * refuse to complete tasks * spread rumors about the manager * do things to make their manager seem incompetent.
“According to 2014 research from the Workplace Bullying Institute, people believed that targets of bullying were more likely to be kind, compassionate, cooperative, and agreeable…
“When experiencing bullying, it’s common to feel powerless and unable to do anything to stop it. If you try to stand up to the bully, you may be threatened or told no one will believe you. If it’s your manager bullying you, you may wonder who to tell. First, take a moment to remind yourself that bullying is never your fault, regardless of what triggered it. Even if someone bullies you by making it seem like you can’t do your job, bullying is more about power and control, not your work ability.
“Begin to take action against bullying with these steps: * Document the bullying. Keep track of all bullying actions in writing. Note the date, the time, where the bullying took place, and other people who were in the room. * Save physical evidence. Keep any threatening notes, comments, or emails you receive, even if they’re unsigned. If there are documents that can help prove bullying, such as denied PTO requests, overly harsh commentary on assigned work, and so on, keep these in a safe place. * Report the bullying. Your workplace may have a designated person you can talk to if you don’t feel safe talking to your direct supervisor. Human resources is a good place to start. It’s also possible to talk about the bullying with someone higher up if your supervisor is unhelpful or is the person doing the bullying. * Confront the bully. If you know who’s bullying you, bring along a trusted witness, such as a co-worker or supervisor, and ask them to stop — if you feel comfortable doing so. Be calm, direct, and polite. * Review work policies. Your employee handbook may outline steps of action or policies against bullying. Also consider reviewing state or even federal policies about the type of bullying you’re experiencing. * Seek legal guidance. Consider talking to a lawyer, depending on the circumstances of the bullying. Legal action may not always be possible, but a lawyer can offer specific advice. * Reach out to others. Co-workers may be able to offer support. Talking to your loved ones about the bullying can also help. You can also talk to a therapist. They can provide professional support and help you explore ways to cope with the effects of bullying while you take other action. If you’re a member of a union, your union representative may be able to offer some guidance and support on how to deal with bullying. You can also look into your employer’s employee assistance program, if they have one. EAPs help you access resources to address a variety of issues that can affect your mental health and overall well-being.
Back to your original post: “Going to my boss or HR I don’t think is an option as they are buddies, but I just can’t deal with this anymore. I feel like I always cross my own boundaries and resent myself for that. Maybe there’s another way that I don’t see and you can help me with that“- maybe something inn the resource I quoted can help you.
very well mind/ signs and effects of workplace bullying and healthline/ workplace bullying, how to take action are two other resources. Wikipedia has a long entry on the topic with reference to different countries. I am sure that you can research resources in the country where you live.
You described a very difficult situation, which is not good for your physical and mental health. I hope things improve for you, by a lot!
anita
April 4, 2024 at 8:19 am #430557RobertaParticipantDear ManagoFandango
I am sorry that you are suffering from workplace harassment. Anita has already come up with some excellent suggestions.
I only have one other. Does your workplace or your style of job have a union? if so you could join it and then when you have compiled your dossier on bullying your union rep could be there when you present it .
Roberta
April 4, 2024 at 11:03 am #430586ManagoFandangoParticipantHello, thank you Anita and Roberta for the reply, kind response and concern. We don’t have an Union, I live in Eastern Europe, and where I work I don’t think we have this institutions.
Anyway, today she came to me with a request that also wasn’t in my job description that I ignored. (I just didn’t pick up the phone.)
I felt very bad as she was all sweet today, and I thought to myself…was I imagining things? Does she just consider me as a friend and that’s why she asks for favours? But I have to remember that the cycle will start again, when I expect it the least.
Thank you for listening to me and making my day better!
Have an amazing week!
April 4, 2024 at 12:27 pm #430592anitaParticipantDear ManagoFandango:
You are welcome, and thank you!
Regarding unions in Eastern Europe, I read in iza world of labor (I am adding what’s in parentheses): “The economies of the CEE (Central-Eastern Europe) countries experienced substantial declines in trade union membership in the aftermath of the economic transition of the late 1980s and the early 1990s. The decline in union density that occurred in these countries between the early 1990s and 20012/ 2013 was much steeper than the de-unionization that took place in Western Europe and the US during that period…
“These trends mirror the transition from systems in which union membership was largely compulsory, to the neoliberal (favoring policies that promote free market capitalism, deregulation, and reduction in government spending) models most CEE countries adopted… Industrial relations (the relations between management and workers in industry) in CEE are largely decentralized and fragmented, with collective bargaining taking place mainly at the local or firm level”-
– reads to me that if you don’t have someone within your workplace to help you.. your only option would be to do your best to help yourself.
“Today she came to me with a request that also wasn’t in my job description that I ignored. (I just didn’t pick up the phone.) I felt very bad as she was all sweet today, and I thought to myself.. was I imagining things? Does she just consider me as a friend and that’s why she asks for favours? But I have to remember that the cycle will start again, when I expect it the least“- expect it then, don’t be manipulated by her sweetness. It can be tempted to feel safe in the appearance of her sweetness and friendliness, but better not be deceived.
Psychology today/ 9 classic strategies of manipulative people: “manipulative people have mastered the art of deception. They may appear respectable and sincere but often that’s just a facade… They will attempt to confuse you, maybe even making you feel as if you’re crazy. They distort the truth and may resort to lying if it serves their end… Manipulative people can play the victim, making you seem to be the one who caused a problem which they began but won’t take responsibility for. They can be passive-aggressive or nice one minute and standoffish the next, to keep you guessing and to prey on your fears and insecurities”- reads familiar to you?
anita
April 8, 2024 at 10:18 am #430767ManagoFandangoParticipantYes, very familiar. I’ve begun distancing myself from and I’m beginning to feel ok again.
The only thing that upsets me is that I see that I’ve upset her, and as a person that likes everyone to be happy I don’t want to fall in that trap again. Because if I’m nice to her she will start with the requests again. I realised that if stating my boundaries upsets someone I just have to let it be.
And what is this with the fact that she never asks guys to do things? I mean she even does sometimes part of their work, is not upset/angry when her subordinate is late, never asking him to buy her or bring her anything, is always asking people to help him? Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that my colleague is having an easier job, but I’m just trying to understand.
MandangoFandango
April 8, 2024 at 10:41 am #430768anitaParticipantDear ManagoFandango:
“The only thing that upsets me is that I see that I’ve upset her, and as a person that likes everyone to be happy I don’t want to fall in that trap again. Because if I’m nice to her she will start with the requests again“- she is familiar with your discomfort about people being displeased with you (a discomfort that motivates you to be a people pleaser), and she is taking advantage of your discomfort.
“I realised that if stating my boundaries upsets someone I just have to let it be“- let it be and endure the discomfort I mentioned above.
“And what is this with the fact that she never asks guys to do things? I mean she even does sometimes part of their work, is not upset/angry when her subordinate is late, never asking him to buy her or bring her anything, is always asking people to help him?… I’m just trying to understand“- maybe she is a people pleaser when it comes to men, a men-pleaser, if you will, but not a women-pleaser.
I believe that she associates you with weakness because of your discomfort about displeasing her. She has taken advantage of you in the past and got away with it. Maybe her male coworkers do not exhibit such discomfort, so she doesn’t feel that she can get away with taking advantage of them.
It may be that she takes advantage of the people who let her take advantage, and she doesn’t with the people who won’t let her take advantage of them. Maybe she goes belly up (submits to, people-pleasing) with people she perceives to be stronger than her, and she becomes the aggressor with people she perceives to be weaker than her.
anita
April 8, 2024 at 12:20 pm #430775ManagoFandangoParticipantThank you, that’s a wonderful insight.
April 8, 2024 at 12:29 pm #430776anitaParticipantYou are welcome, ManagoFandango, and thank you!
anita
April 9, 2024 at 11:55 am #431470ManagoFandangoParticipantDo you have any book recommendations that talk about human behavior? I think that this could help me further.
April 9, 2024 at 12:05 pm #431471anitaParticipantDear ManagoFandango:
I haven’t read any books in over 10 years. I learn a lot about human behavior by reading posts in these forums (have done so every day since May 2015). I learn here.. so, no, I don’t know of any books on human behavior. I guess you can google it and easily you will get titles of books on the topic.
anita
April 9, 2024 at 2:43 pm #431486anitaParticipantDear ManagoFandango:
It just occurred to me that like me, you too can learn more about human behavior from reading threads in these forums. There are 15 threads listed on each page under “Topics”, and there are 833 pages at this point. I personally participate or participated in thousands of topics through the years. I know more about human behavior now than I knew ten years ago, a year ago… more than I knew a day ago.
You are also welcome to post any time in this thread, or in a new thread about various topics, various situations, and I’ll be glad to reply to you.
anita
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