Dear Ben:

“I had wondered sometimes if I had BPD… Not that I’m not in control of such behaviours, but the emotional forces behind them overwhelms me easily… I become overwhelmed with vengeance, or betrayal or some such emotion“- I relate. This is why my therapist back in 2011, after diagnosing me with BPD, went by the book, as far as therapy designed for BPD (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, DBT), and started with teaching me emotion regulation skills. This beginning part of the therapy is about lessening the intensity of the emotions you listed, so that they don’t overwhelm you. It makes pausing between emotion (ex., feeling vengeance) and behavior (ex., passive-aggressive talk) possible.

“At the same time my reactions remind me of that of a child, where they in a way can’t handle their emotions/reactions and get into a bit of a state“- yes, like a child throwing a temper tantrum, this is the gist of the BPD explosive rage: a adult throwing a temper tantrum.

“We’re all on the spectrum for some disorder, maybe she is a bit further up than others“-yes, personality disorders are indeed a spectrum thing. Not all people who are diagnosed with a particular personality disorder are.. the same person.

“She was fiercely protective of me rather than involving me in the great betrayal – along with my sibling, and her close friends – they were ‘in the circle’“- unlike my mother in this respect. I was outside her circle.

“My father says she never used to be like this… It was only when I was a teenager that it really got worse – those years where my view of the world is formed…and I was alone with her an awful lot… a lot of this paranoid thinking sprinkled on top. Nonetheless, I think seeing it in a frame of a disorder helps“- the idea behind the professionals who place combinations of symptoms in groups, creating mental health diagnoses, is to design a specific therapy for each category.

“I regret so much…  rolling my eyes at his attempts to create closeness – ignoring his calls when it wasn’t convenient for me, for example“- passive-aggressive behaviors, having enough control to not be fully aggressive..?

“The best way for us to return to a normal baseline is for me to reduce the intensity of my emotions“- yes: emotion regulation.

“I can’t just constantly seek reassurance after causing a minor rift… I’m writing this and remembering what you said a couple days ago, that the inner child is dominant in me… This seeking reassurance from my boyfriend reminded me of this. But it’s like I’m determined to hear him say it again and again until I feel better. If I don’t hear it, it means I have killed out relationship and all those bad things will come true“- asking for/ reaching out for his reassurance has become a compulsion. When you receive it, you feel better for a short time, then you need it again.. and again. His reassuring words are like a drug for you, isn’t it?

anita