Continued:

I remember very well that person‘s (formerly referred to as my mother) tirades about other people. I heard them when she was talking to me, or when she was talking to others, a lot of it done on the phone. I hated the almost constant, ongoing negative judgements of people. I hated hearing her talk and talk and talk.

Her tirades against others cemented, within me, a deep distrust in people.

I tried at times, to get that person‘s approval by siding with her and talking negatively about the people she complained and gossiped about, but alas, she rejected even these efforts. She denied me any sense of togetherness with her. There was just no way that she allowed for me to be with her.

I can’t say that I ever felt like I meant something to her, other than someone (some thing, more precisely) to vent to, some thing to direct her rage at, and some thing to brag about- in regard to just one thing- me being an excellent student in elementary school, only she greatly exaggerated my supposed success, I was only a C+ student, even though I worked very hard to get (better grades).

I am not trying to let go of my old, unmet need to have a mother’s love, but of the need to have that person‘s love.

anita