Continued:

I am not trying to let go of my old, unmet need to have a mother’s love, but of the need to have that person‘s love.

I accept her inability to love people. I don’t accept her willingness to hurt people: (1) her forming the intent to punch (with hands or with words), followed by (2) a plan to deliver the verbal punch (choosing the most hurtful words possible, tailored to hurt the individual person), then (3) delivering the punch, and (4) looking at (me) intently, with anticipation, waiting for the effect of her words to take hold, and when the effect was detected (the shame, the pain on my face visible), there it was: that little smile on her face, the corners of her mouth going up ever so slightly.

I accept her inability to love, her lack of education, her lack of intelligence; I have all the empathy in the world for the pain she suffered growing up, the terrible abuses she suffered, and I would have done everything in my power, if I existed back then, to save the girl that she was.

But I can’t accept the woman she became, her intent to hurt me, planning it, executing it and finding pleasure in a job well-done.

Going back to the title of this thread, there is ongoing Fear aka Anxiety when one grows up (more accurately, grow-in) with someone who finds pleasure in seeing pain on my face. And there’s no one to help me, to shield me; no mother for me.

No Mother for Me– this could be a title for a book.

But there is Healing for me, not complete healing of course, but enough to make life interesting and significantly less painful.

It helps me a lot to redefine “mother” from the person =>  the experience of mutual affection and ongoing trust with the person.

anita