Dear Anita,

I have thought of you several times over the past couple weeks. A lot has happened, my sister was here for a week, I have been spending many mornings doing a course with the author of the Untethered soul, on audible. It makes me have to look within, like our conversations and I think I can only take one or the other right now. I’d like to come here to catch-up with you very soon, I am still deciding how I feel about certain recent events. N reached out, wanted to meet, then canceled and changed his mind several times till I decided to block his number and then he showed up at my apartment on Sunday. So I am still processing that, I got some closure but im starting to think closure is an illusion because it is only temporary and I wish I said other things already. I was disappointed in how I fell into a pattern with him, but at least my growth is represented by my ability to see it the following day. He does this thing where he approaches me sad and makes me feel like I want to comfort him…even if it is not telling the whole truth. For example I am so sure he’s not right for me, he is just too out of touch. But while he was here I found myself not saying things or saying things in ways that I knew he wanted to hear.. at the time I was unaware of what I was doing. Now that I know I do this if I ever see him again I will keep that in mind. He also just showed up unannounced and that was unfair to catch me off guard. Also he still claims he was joking at the store when asking me about the cash, and in that moment I realized how good of a decision I made by leaving someone so out of touch, and in so much denial. He blamed a lot of our issues on his weed used which I had no idea he was aware of cause when prompted he said he used it to self medicate anxiety so I just accepted that. He also said I was right all along of his roommate! I always told him I did not trust his roommate and sure enough he recently lied and stole from N. N kept saying he’s just too nice of a guy… that he falls for peoples lies, including mine when I told him I loved him. I think even he knows that’s self preservation thought because several times he said he wanted to hate me so bad. He got emotional but I am not sure the intentions behind the tears because the result was me not being able to tell the full truth, that I was in fact sure I made the right decision.

More tomorrow when I am more conscious. I meant to come here just to check in but I ended up writing a little journal entry. Have a good night!

Seaturtle (misses Anita)