The last I had heard from N was that my stuff was gone and I was blocked. After that, I spoke with you of my trajectory to move on from the whole thing and accept I wouldn’t be seeing him, likely ever again. Then last monday I get a text from him in the middle of the day, saying he wanted closure and to talk if I would be willing to get a coffee or “at least a phone call.” I said I was available for a coffee, but that my sister A would be in town until Sunday so I could meet him then, he said ok.

• After this event, I was flooded with nervous energy. I witnessed my lower vibrational self, solely my sacral and heart chakras lighting up. My thoughts were jumping all over the place from maybe he has changed and we could work.
• The next morning I woke up clearer, my third eye woke up and my sacral and heart had mellowed down enough for me to hear my higher vibrational self. Realizing it was an illusion that he had changed and the way I would show up to seeing him, would be to give him closure if I could but overall hold to the fact I had no regrets with the breakup and did not want to get back together.

On wednesday evening he texts me again saying he is not sure if meeting will be good or not because he has nothing positive to say.

• I was frustrated that I had to see that message right before I was about to go to sleep after a great day with my sister. Why now? I thought, my sister is here and he knows that, how selfish. But then I felt on some level that since I was selfish with ending the relationship, maybe he was allowed to be selfish too. I responded telling him it was up to him, that I had no intentions to blame him and make him feel badly, that my only intention was to grow, and the fact meeting would be so uncomfortable, we both had an opportunity to grow. I also said I did not want to enter a situation where he was only going to show me contempt. He asked me “why didn’t you break up with me a year ago” I began to respond but then erased my reply and said I would talk about it on sunday, it was 10pm and I wanted to go to sleep. He said he wouldn’t show contempt and wanted to grow too and asked me to pick a cafe since I knew better..

Saturday evening I send him the location of the cafe and say “11:30?” he responds with a long message full of contempt. Saying “actually I’m gonna pass…I just can’t get over how much of a selfish asshole you are”

• I did my best to relax, so that I did not hold anything in, as I did with the “you have no clue what love is” conversation. I responded as centered as I could, saying “it is fine with me not to meet, I was doing it for you, not for me.” after I said that I realized that it was for me too but I didn’t want to go back. He sent another hateful message, then another. he said “I read your retarded poem a thousand times” I had my sister take my phone and she read another message, I saw her flinch with sadness and she asked “can I just delete this? you shouldn’t read it.” I thought about it then said yes, just delete it all and block him. She did, such an awesome sister right!?
• The next day I went to the cafe after dropping her off at the airport, and I am not sure if this was a good idea or not, but I unblocked him just long enough to send him one last message, after all those messages the night before that I did not engage in. Then immediately blocked him again so that he couldn’t respond, I had read enough of his hate and held back from saying things I wanted to for him but why?
• I said: You used another opportunity to just show me contempt, just as you said you wouldn’t. You operate at such a low vibrational level, keeping yourself stuck in this survival world where you create your own torment and push light, love and vulnerability out of your life. The bottom of the pyramid where you insist you need to be, is operated by your ego, which fears growth/change. You require certain circumstances to just be present, you cannot just be, and that is not a life I wanted to live with you. The very fact you don’t have the mental strength and depth to see me today is the true reason I broke up with you. It was a mistake to leave that poem, I should have known you weren’t deep enough to understand at what level of control I was speaking. Ironic you once told me I was uncomfortable with being uncomfortable but really you are. It is harder to be aware of my demons and check my ego. You are so full of sadness and anger and it shows (during and after knowing you). C (his roommate) operated at an even lower level than you and that is why I couldn’t even stand to be near him, and why I didn’t want to live there. In the first year we were together your vibration was higher, but I think that was just apart of your honeymoon phase self, that fell lower and lower as we fell into what real life would be like. Perhaps also contributing is your heavy weed addiction that is spiritually known to bring you to a lower sense of self, blocking out truth. I loved a version of you that will never actually be. I loved you so much but you have dragged me down for the last time. So congratulations you have completely pushed the last bit of love and light out of your life because I am done trying to help you.

Then I got home from the cafe and he was at my door.

He began the conversation by flustering me, asking me a money question. For some reason the hospital called him about my surgery, which he was not my emergency contact so I have no idea why. They told him I still owed some of the co-pay and N had previously helped me pay for it so he was asking me all these questions about where the money went. The same sort of questioning as at the grocery store, it makes me anxious when I am questioned and consequentially makes me not really remember what happened. Him showing up at my home and starting the conversation trying to make me uncomfortable is literally all the validation I need I do not want to be with him and I am so happy I am not.

Things he said in person :

– I think you want to care but you don’t know how

– I hope you don’t turn out like your mom, she is a weird lady.

– he thought my sister calling him by mistake, was on purpose.. me trying to get his attention

– He cried telling me he would have taken a bullet for me

– told me his friend, D, the one who I liked and he knows that, told me multiple times that D now hates me.

– You have alot to learn about the world and that is something I worried about with you cause I can’t teach you everything…

• I think he was referring to my comment how I am not driven by money and property in this world. And also his ability to withstand physical discomfort… which yes, I am only now seeing the benefits to not try and control a moment, and he was also referring to that.

– “I think you lack life experience”

Overall, being in person was strange. We made alot of eye contact, which I am surprised he was able to. I also expected him to come to me with anger and hate… but instead he put up a very sad front. Began the conversation with things like “you just think everything is my fault” just poor me poor me, type of statements. When he did this, it shut me up… it had this affect on me where I didn’t say things that were reasons I didn’t want to be with him, because I felt like he would just say “I told you so, of course it is all my fault.”: In other words I didn’t say truth because he wouldn’t of even heard it and when I don’t think a person will even hear something I just am quiet, what’s the point. I found myself trying to defend the way I broke up with him, that I felt bad it was so quick. But the next day over text I was able to express “it was quick because if you would have had a second to show me your sad self, I would have wanted to make you feel better. Also interesting is after he left, I found myself wanting to want to go after him… like the image of it seemed like it would have made him so happy, but it wouldn;t have made me happy so I didn’t. When I speak with you, my sister, my parents, my roommate, truly most people, I find it natural to raise the vibrations of the environment, stimulating things like growth, deeper conversation and just playful curiosity about the world. These parts of me felt blocked in his presence… I was not able to let my light shine. This is how it was in the relationship as well, I felt dimmed and I couldn’t understand why. I still wonder why I didn’t feel my bright self when he was there, I tried to access it but it didn’t feel accessible and I really want to understand why that is. We had regular conversation about how our families were doing and such, and that made me comfortable and I wanted him to stay. But I still felt like he could not really see me because I didn’t feel like myself..

Over text the next day:

– he brought up a time he was vulnerable with me, one of very very few, so few in fact I remember it vividly and I didn’t know how to respond, he said he was uncomfortable so I tried to help move the conversation to another topic. He told me I hurt his feelings in that moment. The next day we continued a text thread cause both of us had more to say that being in person didn’t lead to, told him I value exploring myself and he didn’t and he said  “I was also trying to explore myself. it took me two years to tell you something about myself that I’ve never told anyone. I got a pat on the back and it was onto the next conversation” I said that is not what I meant by “journey to understand myself” that “I am talking about all the questions I would ask. Like why do I think this way, why did you react that way, what is the disconnect here?…questions like that was me trying to grow and I feel like you thought my questions were stupid. But like what sucks is I feel that is one of the best parts about me is that I am so curious, and I swear it just annoyed you” and he said “I love curiosity. Maybe I didn’t want to grow” Then he went on to just say I hurt his feelings with my reaction to his vulnerability that one time. He said:

– “you hurt my feeling sin that moment. You’ve hurt my feelings many times not often, but it did happen. But you always just had “great” excuses. whenever I hurt your feelings my excuses or intentions did not matter and were unacceptable, all that mattered was you and how you felt in that moment” I responded: ” I feel so bad that I hurt your feelings in that moment. I am so sorry” then in another message “When you hurt my feelings it didn’t feel lke you were trying to look at yourself, it felt like you were trying to justify yourself and there is a difference. There’s a difference ebtween taking defensiveness away and being able to pause and consider “why am I doing this?” versus “how do I make this make sense to them.”

– He replied: “that is a clear difference…I struggle with what does or doesn’t have control over me in this world, and i think there is not way around said situation because “ive been controlled” thus my excuse. realizing i let these things control me was the first step in the right direction.”

• after I read this I felt confused, not fulling understanding how that related to justifying his behaviors rather than looking at himself… does this message read “lost” to you?

-He said “when I met you I was at a pretty good place with myself, but we went thru a lot of struggling things and we decided to take on some challenges and I lost myself a bit.” Then he went on to say how quickly I broke up with him was heartless…

• I need your help here Anita. Because seeing into this conversation is to see into how it was to talk to him in the relationship, it is like he is not fully understanding what I am saying, his responses feel superficial compared to where I am coming from and it is confusing. I feel like talking to him really challenges my third eye to stay open. When he was at my apartment talking I felt blocked in my third eye. How it was in the relationship too, we talk and I feel like he has this gravitational pull about him to come to the more superficial world and it makes me lose what I was saying.

– I responded to all that, “on the first part, nothing controls you…in the present moment there is not pain, there is nothing but just simply being and life. Any sort of pain is caused by past and present, which don’t even exist they only bring grief and anxiety. Nothing controls you and that’s why life is actually so cool.” He didn’t respond to this portion. Reading it back I think my intention behind saying this was to try and raise the vibration, because his last message was an attempt to drag me down, he went on and on about the heartless breakup and again how I don’t know what love is. I acknowledged his obvious comments, “the breakup wasn’t meant ot be out of love, it was self preservation. Because I came to the conclusion that I didn’t feel seen or protected by you. At the breakup I mentioned the cash at the store and the c-word incident and when you couldn’t apologize for either I felt giving you my heart would have been disrespectful to myself”

– He said: “Exactly so the c word incident is what I was trying to show you an example of in reference to the first part of your response, why are you letting a little bit of vibrational air have so much control over your feelings that was my whole point in the care ride.. And the cash you actaully might be crazy for that one (two laughing emojis)”

– my last long reply: Ok you are going down to that lower vibration with this message and I will only tolerate so much of that… the c word wasn’t about the hot air. it was the fact my potential future husband was doing something repettively that made me uncomfortable. who cares if it is valid to feel uncomfortable about it, what matters is why? why couldn’t you just be the one person out of this nasty world not to try to make me uncomfortable. On the cash, the fact you call me crazy on it is the whole issue. You are refusing to look at yourself, there was an undertone of energy there no matter how much you deny it… I can tell when there is more to what someone is saying and you are in so much denial, that is what is crazy”

– All he said after that whole message was “ok”

– I then said “he still can’t apologize I’m shocked” “Let’s just end this cycle now and say our goodbyes on a good note” and we did.

A novel by Seaturtle!