Dear gresshoppe:

“I was really annoyed with an older friend of mine… she won’t stop hammering away at how unhappy I’ll be if I don’t find someone… She keeps assuring me that ‘I’ll find someone,’“- rushing you to find someone as in saying that for a woman to be unattached/ not in a relationship is a scary thing..?

There is a term for the fear of being/ living alone, when it is excessive, it’s called autophobia. It is experienced both by people who live alone and people who live with a significant other.

(I am adding the boldface feature to the following quote): “Everything fell apart, so fast. I wanted to slow everything down, but couldn’t find a way, so I went no contact. It was really hard to recover… identifying a pattern in my behavior. I get excited with a connection, really get it into the other person, and then burn out. Going deep tells me to slow everything down and get to know the other person better. My own pattern feels self-destructive… I feel myself getting sucked back into a hot and heavy relationship and my insides are pleading with me to slow down in a major way“-

– I wonder if it’s the fear of being alone that’s fueling the going so fast, the rushing to secure an attachment/ a relationship, on your part and on his part?

In regard to moving too fast and getting to know who you’re moving too fast with, from an article by huff post/ 7 signs you’re moving too fast when you’re dating someone: “Trust is something that’s slowly built over time…  Make sure this person is worthy of your trust and vulnerability before you go telling them your deepest secrets… We trust through actions, not words… Romance is one of the biggest emotional roller coasters, and people are willing to take way too many unnecessary risks in the beginning…

“Many people confuse the word ‘love’ with ‘in love’… While being in love ― being infatuated or experiencing lust ― is more relevant to early stages of a romantic relationship, loving someone is more relevant to a long-term relationship, after you’ve really gotten to know your partner… My advice would be to give your partner just a little trust. If they show they are worthy of that little trust, give them a little more, and so on and so forth. You earn it one bit at a time.”

From harley therapy. co. uk/ always moving too fast in a relationship: “for the most part, moving too fast in a relationship and relying on sudden infatuation is an experience that ends as quickly as it began – and often with a bump. What makes you the sort who always promises ‘never again’ but then can’t seem to stop going too fast in relationships?

“9 Reasons You Rush into Love 1. You are Codependent…. 2. You are counter dependent: The flip side of codependency, counter dependency means you fear real intimacy… 3. You have an anxious attachment style… 4. You lack boundaries… 7. You have adult ADHD or borderline personality disorder… Adult ADHD has impulsivity as a main symptom. This means you don’t think things through before..  diving in – including engaging in relationships. Borderline personality disorder is another condition which can leave you prone to ‘speed relating’. If you have BPD you tend to be very emotionally intense and oversensitive with a deep fear of rejection… 8. You are a love or relationship addict. Do you rush headlong into relationships because they make you ‘feel alive’? If you have an addictive personality, other people can be the thing that creates the ‘high’ you crave…”.

Things to ponder…?

anita