I can’t seem to relax, it’s been a thing since 2015, but also I suppose I had the groundwork before then. I am never happy with myself unless I’m working hard, doing something, being busy or productive. I’m really struggling right now with guilt and anxiety. My stomach is churning from it.

I’ve been unwell for a week but soldiered on through everything I must do, work and other things. Any quiet time I’ve felt so guilty and anxious. I’m exhausted and sick and when I stop at the end of each day the guilt takes over.

My ex used to make a big thing of always working hard. He shouted it to the tree tops how hard he worked. And I believed all the loud words, I failed to see the physical truth, that he did not work hard at all. Sure, he played hard at the things he enjoyed doing, sports mainly. But he did not work hard. I’d get home from work and he’d have a push mower, the old fashioned non petrol type, out on the lawn. He’d say, ‘you’ve been sitting all day, while I’ve been out working hard, it would be good for your physical fitness to do some work.’ I’d nearly break down, exhausted from a 10 hour day, feeling fat and ugly because he said I needed exercise, and I’d mow the lawn with self loathing in my heart. He’d make comments about how hard he worked and how fit he was, and how I wasn’t fit because of my job. He was always doing big  things like skydiving, rafting, always doing things and making comments about my not doing things. But. The big but. When he wasn’t doing these things he was eating out, taking naps, visiting his friends, having coffee, swimming, doing enjoyable downtime things. Which was most of his life.

I failed to recognise that it’s hard for me to do things when I started work at 7.30 to 8 and often didn’t finish till 7. That I physically was unable to be at work and skiing, or doing whatever big thing he wanted to do. That I couldn’t take months and months off every year to join him on his big holidays and trips. That when I wasn’t at work I needed to sleep and look after the home because he did not do that. That I needed to be a mother to and it was the most important thing to me to be one, I did not want to be at work all the time, I wanted to be at home baking biscuits and roasts and being a mum.

My mother also made me feel totally inadequate, nasty comments about how easy it is to do this or that, she just does it while she’s putting the kettle on or waiting for the porridge to cook. It didn’t even factor that I was getting up, getting a family up, doing washing, feeding animals, making sure we were all out the door. Just, ‘it’s easy, you just do it while the kettle is boiling.’ except I was doing the other things while the kettle was boiling.

I’m struggling. Really struggling with guilt. My head hurts. I’m so tired. Sorry, I’m complaining, but I’m going to read this again and hopefully the saying of it will help me let some go.

…

I read it and I feel worse. Hmmm.