Dear Paradoxy,

What I am saying that except that VERY LARGE AND IMPORTANT AREA, they did everything else right.

You mean they gave you food and shelter? Sent you to school? Sent you to college? In other words, provided for your physical needs?

There was no real physical abuse or any other form of horrible treatment.

There were other forms of horrible treatment: emotional abuse. But you don’t see it as horrible, that’s what I am reacting to. You are relativizing it, saying that at least they haven’t beaten you up:

I am not the first kid to be going through this kind of experience in our community. In fact I might be one of the kids that were treated the best. One perfect example is the family that lived next to us. They had a daughter and a son, and their father was the type to use his belt to discipline them. One such incident was when the father used his belt on the son for listening to rap music which contained a lot of swear words. Compared to that kind of treatment, my pain would be considered nothing.

This is to what I am reacting: you believing that the emotional abuse you suffered is minor compared to the abuse suffered by other children in your community.

Whereas that might be true in the relative sense, the emotional abuse that you have suffered was indeed SEVERE. It was very damaging to your emotional health and well-being, and it is affecting your ability to find happiness in your adult life as well.

When you say you had it easy compared to others, you are in fact minimizing your own pain and finding excuses for your parents.

Because the lifestyle that you grew up with is different from ours, you will see it as their intention to raise a slave, even though their real intention/ultimate goal was good.

Their intention was that you should follow their will. That you should live your life according to their will. They believed they owed you, and have the right to force you to do what they believe is right. They never cared about your emotional well-being and happiness, it wasn’t an issue for them.

So this is what I see as their intention: not that you be happy, but that you obey and do as they say.

This might be the intention of every parent is your religious community: to impose their will on their children and dictate their lives, at all costs (even if it causes their children to have a mental breakdown).

But should we have understanding for those parents? Should we think they wanted the best for their children?

Your parents knew there is something wrong with how they were treating you, and that they might qualify to be sanctioned, if the authorities get involved:

at that time they pointed out that if they got taken away by social services, I would essentially be an orphan, and my little sister would be an orphan too and we might have to go through even worse treatment,

But instead of changing their ways, they continued to treat you the same. They chose their ways as superior, even though they knew it was considered abuse. You said they are old school and against “modern society”. I wonder if they actually believe that a more loving upbringing, which takes into account children’s emotional needs, belongs to the “vices” of the modern society?

There are multiple paths to achieve the same good result. However, my parents chose the cruel and painful path to push me through. I hate them for driving me down this path, but I understand their ultimate goal. That is the difference you fail to recognize.

No, your parents’ methods cannot produce a good result. They cannot produce a happy and fulfilled person. Maybe they can produce a good expert, e.g. a good doctor (like in the example you gave). But even that is very questionable because an emotionally abused person cannot be a good, compassionate doctor. Or maybe they can – maybe they have empathy and understanding for their patients, but they don’t have love for themselves, and sooner or later they will burn out and get sick.

And for that, I will hate them for life. But I will still carry out my duties as their son.

What are your duties as their son?

I already have myself protected. I laugh when they say the things they say, to the point they get pissed at how I am laughing every time they try to hurt me. They cannot hurt me anymore, so don’t misunderstand.

Oh really? Because you said you have tried to talked to your dad and he shut you down:

I am back at my parents’ place, and it has not even been one week yet and my dad is already pissing me off. Shutting down all my attempts to express my issues, telling me to suck it up and be a man.

And you have to endure an hour-long phone call with him every day. I don’t see how that is protecting yourself from his abuse?

I will hate them forever, but that will not stop me from doing my duties as their son

I am trying to explain to you that “hating forever” is not good for your mental and emotional health. It would be the same as your father’s motto: “suck it up and do your duty”. It would be exactly the same reaction to trauma like your father had to his. Disregarding his emotions and becoming this cold, cruel, “logical” guy, who is unable to empathize with people but is adamant on forcing his will (and opinion) on others.

If you don’t want to become the same or similar as your father, you’d need to change how you look at this whole thing.