Dear Meatball:

About her: “At some point shortly around the time she graduates from high school she is out on her own… bouncing around from various men and staying with their families.”, “She (42) and her daughter are now living with me.  I don’t ask for any rent/money… Our second ‘breakup’ – one day out of the blue she tells me she’s not ‘feeling it’ and wants to move out… she leaves and goes back to her ex in-laws. A couple days later again she calls and apologizes and says she didn’t know what she was thinking and comes back… She always lives pay check to pay check, never saving and having bad credit… She rarely plans anything.  She sleeps all the time… Intimacy has been gone for years… This is where we are now, these cycles continue to come with less and less time in between. They are always initiated by her and each time she’s able to verbalize more that she is ‘not in love’ with me.  That she had NO feelings for me.   She’s made me feel like just being in my presence disgusts her… This brings up to about a week ago where again it starts with her not wanting to be around me, not touching me, just disgusted… One big issue right now is that she has little to no money, she has nowhere to go.  No one that will take her in.   She says I’m still her best friend and that she wants me in her life just not as love partners… The last thing I’m going to do is put her out on the street”-

– reads like (1) she is depressed and has been depressed for a long time, consistently or recurringly, (2) she is not well enough to make and save money so to be able to consistently pay rent for an apartment for herself and for her daughter. She has bad credit, and that would make it extra difficult for her to find a place to rent, (3) she relied on men to provide a place for her to live when she was a teenager, maybe since, because she felt unable to provide for herself. In practical terms perhaps, Exchanging Sex for Rent, ES4R, if you will,

(4) she is 42 now, depressed and, I am guessing, feeling less optimistic than before regarding meeting a new man in her life to provide her with a place to stay, (5) from what you shared (in the quote above), she has been feeling disgust in regard to having a physical and sexual interactions with you.. but she needs a place to stay, so she tried to convince you to be non-physical, non-sexual best friends. If you continue to refuse her suggestion, she might have sex with you just so that she and her daughter have a place to live, feeling that she has no other choice, as she doesn’t want to be out on the street, no one wants that!

The compassionate thing to do, for her, is to not have her out on the street, and to not participate in ES4R with her, so to not dishonor her.. or yourself.

About you: “I have the co-dependency as an anxious attachment style… For my childhood, I could see a lack of emotional support.  My mother was smothering and did everything for us, however wasn’t the type to speak about love or supply much in the way of advice.  My father was a high tempered dad that we were scared of.  No physical abuse or mental abuse“-

Very well mind. com: “Emotional abuse, also known as psychological abuse, is a pattern of behavior perpetuated by a parent that causes a child to experience emotional distress, harms their sense of self-worth, and affects their emotional development“- a smothering mother is an abusive mother, and so is a high tempered father who repeatedly expresses his anger in ways that scare his children.

About smothering mothers: The content authority. com: “Are you a mother or a smother? While these two words may sound similar, they have vastly different meanings. Mother is a term of endearment and respect.. while smother refers to someone who is overly protective or suffocating… Smothering can manifest in a variety of ways, including constant monitoring and supervision, overindulging the child’s every whim, and shielding the child from any potential harm or disappointment”.

* A term for “constant monitoring and supervision” parenting is helicopter parenting.

Better help. com: “Psychologists have suggested that overbearing parenting can be detrimental to a child’s health, and the negative effects can follow children well into adulthood.  One of the most common problems associated with helicopter parenting for many can be the formation of an anxiety disorder in childhood or adulthood. Helicopter parenting can also lessen a child’s ability to make their own choices, which can result in a co-dependent relationship between parent and child”- anxiety and codependency that’s passed on from childhood to adult romantic relationships.

The psychological healing center. com: “I’m sure you’ve heard of the phrase smother mother. Of course it can apply to fathers as well. Smothering can stunt psychological growth and create anxiety, depression and a lack of self-confidence… The wound of smothering and controlling limits the growth of the individual. At the beginning stages of life it is important to foster healthy dependency in order to help your children become healthy and independent. Smothering and controlling does the opposite”.

anita