Dear Meatball:

You are welcome. “she texted saying that she ‘is all in and wants to do the work’“-

– On your first temporary breakup almost 9 years ago, she ghosted you for a few days and then reached out to you and told you that she missed you, that she was sorry, and that “she didn’t know why she fell into this feeling“- ask her now, 9 years later, if she knows why she fell into this feeling back then and repeatedly since. If she has no idea why, or is very vague about it, it’d mean, to me, that she never bothered to figure it out in 9 years, and therefore, she is not at all, all in and wants to do the work.

Like I suggested in my last post to you, since (you stated that) she has no money,  no credit to rent a place for herself, and since she has nowhere to go, it may be that she wants to stay living with you rent/ expense free. This may be her primary motivation. Are you okay with this possibility, or probability?

“She’s been texting/ calling the entire weekend and wants to make things work.  I just don’t know what to do.“- you can tell her that you are willing to try and make things work after she moves out. See her response..?

I understand that your feelings are strong, that you are, as you stated, codependent, that in previous relationships, you “initiated the break-ups normally after meeting someone else“, and in your current relationship you haven’t met someone else yet; and I feel badly for her for not being able to live on her own. The question is, are you strong enough to do what’s right for all parties involved?

I believe that the right thing to do for all parties involved would be (1) to not have a physical-sexual relationship with her unless her motivation is not to exchange sex for a rent-free/ expenses-free living arrangement, (2) if she is willing, try and work on the relationship while not living together, first as friends only, (3) to work with her and with social services on finding a living arrangement for her and her daughter elsewhere (not in your house).

anita