Dear Antarkala:

* I am making this comment some time into typing this post, as I realize that this is likely going to be difficult/ distressing for you to read. Please feel comfortable to read, or not to read at any point along the way.

“Recently he came to visit me and I was in a very better place but when we went on a drive and he was sooo silent over the duration of the drive, it pissed me off and triggered my anxiety and overthinking... My thoughts when he was silent – ‘why is he so silent‘, ‘how can he be so silent‘…’– it is embarrassing to open up and share that I get these thoughts but I do. I hate it too”.

“My relationships mostly ended because I felt I was the one always giving and initiating things and ultimately feeling that the other person probably did not care enough… most prominent behavior was not being ready for commitment, not being open about the relationship and hiding it, not caring, not making any plans to do things or spend time unless I do, just not fighting with me, not trying to make it work when things started falling apart.”

As I often say, Antarkala, when we have disturbing childhoods, the disturbance (being pissed off, anxious, overthinking) persists through our adulthoods, unless and until it is adequately addressed and worked through in the context of psychotherapy.

When your father criticized you, when he, and your grandparents, expressed so much pride about everything your brother did (in your presence), but treated you like you are nothing (your words from previous posts), that disturbed you a lot. When you told your mother about it, she didn’t tell you that the problem was with the way you were treated, but with you being too sensitive: “She just in general says I am too sensitive and overreact to things“.

Let’s pause here to understand this better: objectively, it is wrong for a parent or a grandparent (or anyone) to treat one child like a Nothing, and another child (in the presence of the first) like an Everything: it terribly hurts and disturbs the first child. When the first child reacts to the situation with hurt or anger, the child is not too sensitive, or too reactive. It really hurts, it really infuriates.

When your mother said that you were too sensitive, and saying it repeatedly over the years, and as she did not fix the situation (standing up for you and making sure that your father and grandparents corrected their behavior and treated you and your brother with equal respect), what happened to the disturbance inside you, the hurt, the anger? It kept vibrating through you whenever you observed how well your brother was treated, and you were not.

When your mother did not validate your disturbance and did not fix the situation that disturbed you, day in and day out, year after year, it was like she was silent. She didn’t make a noise (speaking up for you and telling your father and grandparents to treat you same as they treat your brother). It pissed you off. Fast forward, your boyfriend was silent during the drive, and it pissed you off.

She was silent about your problems with your father and grandparents (criticizing you and treating your brother so differently) but she was loud about her problems with the same people, your father and grandparents. Your mother did not speak up or stand up for you, so to help you; but you stood up for her, so to help her: “She shares everything with me. I started supporting her as I grew up and pushing her to stand up for herself and even stood up against my dad and my grandparents demanding she should be treated better“.

You see the inequality here? You did not tell her that she is too sensitive, that she is overreactive. Instead, you validated her and initiated a real-life action to correct her situation, and resolve her disturbance. She did not reciprocate.

No wonder your anger at her: “I once remember during an argument I threw a glass of water at my mother’s face in front of my whole extended family“.

I think that what triggers your anger, anxiety and overthinking in the context of romantic relationships is the inequality I mentioned above. You expressed this inequality theme in your first, original post on March 23: “Especially in social situations… I put in most of the energy to keep conversations going… I told him I would appreciate it if he could be friendly to my friends“, and in your most recent post, May 17:  “I am the one who should always initiate conversations..  he is not helping me to keep the energy of the group up…. he is not making a good impression of himself near my friends‘, ‘he is not making an effort to be nice to my friends… I felt I was the one always giving and initiating things and ultimately feeling that the other person probably did not care enough“- you are re-experiencing, as I see it, your hurtful and infuriating experience of childhood/ growing up: you cared so much about your mother that you initiated and did the work required (standing up for her in front of your father and grandparents), but she did not care enough to do the same for you.

Only your adult situations in the romantic context are objectively not at all similar to your childhood situation. Your boyfriend during the drive was silent, not because he didn’t care enough, seems to me. His silence triggered your pre-existing agitation.

You wrote yesterday: “I am planning to take a break from my relationship, take some space and work on myself, try to get in touch with myself“- reads to me like a good idea.

anita