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Continued:
Pitch black angry eyes looking at me, a mild smile, an anticipation to see the hurt in my face, and when seeing it, satisfaction registered on her face. This has been my life= my death with my mother. When she noticed my pain, it was her Victory.
I was neither born for this competition, nor was I prepared for it. I was not motivated to Win, I wasn’t prepared for a War with my mother.
I didn’t know.. I didn’t know I was supposed to- according to my mother- to Fight, to Win or Lose.
I was born with this baby-expectation of.. love, of No-War with.. Mother..?
Didn’t have the privilege, the.. miracle (so it seems) of no-war with my mother.
No War?
What kind of experience is that. How does it feel?
I’d never know.
I was born to an enemy, ready to fight me.
I was born for a battle.
She was there to Fight me, Enemy,
I was searching for Love, while she hated me,
And accused ne of being worthy of her hate,
I didn’t know,
I thought I was just a baby, being born with no evil intents,
But not according to her.
No, this was never a mother,
I never had a mother,
I never had a mother.
Anger at her? It’s very difficult for me to take a stand against her, simply because I didn’t have the time to prepare my case,
To argue, to fight,
I needed Love before Fight,
And got no Love,
Expressing my anger: mother, no-mother, Enemy, you positioned yourself an enemy, so early on, and onwards,
So what I grew up/ in with.. is an enemy,
Nothing I could do about it,
Just the way it was,
My story, a story on Enemy vs baby me, child me-
– it’s a good thing I can see it so clearly now, see it just as it always was,
She said: I know I am treating you wrong, but what can you do? You have nowhere else to go.
She said just that.
It was not a mother/ daughter situation,
It was an Enemy and unsuspecting, unprepared enemy-target situation,
I am prepared now, old, old woman: you were never a mother, never my mother, you were an Enemy, from the very beginning of .. me.
anita