Dear Meatball:

On May 4 (Saturday), you wrote: “Thursday again while at work she texted saying that she ‘‘is all in and wants to do the work’… She’s been texting / calling the entire weekend and wants to make things work. I just don’t know what to do.”-

– since then, you decided on what to do, and that was (1) to take her word, that she is all in, and wants to do the work, that she wants to make things work, which she texted you May 2, twenty days ago, and throughout the following weekend, less than 3 weeks ago, (2) to let her and her daughter stay in your house rent/ expense free and (3) to attend couple therapy with her, and have her attend individual therapy, all financed by you, if I understand correctly.

This is very generous of you and it is a very loving thing to do. She needs to appreciate your love and efforts at least as much as I do (a person who never met you in-person), and this means that she needs to keep her word to you, and keep doing the work required.

May 22: “(The therapist)  basically told her that ‘IF’ she’s willing to do the work it will take years of therapy to help her. I’m cautiously optimistic!“- I support your optimism and caution, and I ask you to take good care of yourself first, on a regular basis, every day, because your mental health matters no less than hers, and if you don’t take care of your own mental health, you  will not be able to help her on the long-term.

I am adding quotes from a few online sources that are very interesting to me, a complex trauma survivor myself. Reading, copying and pasting the following is helpful to me, and I figure it may help you as well. It may help you with a better understanding of what she needs in a relationship with a therapist, and what she needs in a relationship with you (“Safety first…  a physically and emotionally secure environment… Trustworthiness and transparency… honesty, reliability, and clear communication… providing choices… to restore their sense of control…  patience, understanding, practical support, and encouragement… listening, validating their feelings, and reassuring them“, see below):

Very well health/ what is trauma: “Trauma can either be physical or emotional. Physical trauma is a serious bodily injury. Emotional trauma is the emotional response to a disturbing event or situation. ..* Acute emotional trauma is the emotional response that happens during and shortly after a single distressing event. * Chronic emotional trauma is a long-term emotional response a person experiences from prolonged or repeated distressing events that span months or years. Additionally, complex emotional trauma is the emotional response associated with multiple different distressing events that may or may not be intertwined

Sandstone care/ types of trauma: “Type 1 trauma refers to an unexpected, single-incident trauma. Also referred to as ‘Big T’ or acute trauma, it is commonly related to Post-traumatic stress disorder. Examples of Type 1 traumatic events can include: * Violent or sexual assault * Life-threatening illness or serious injury * The traumatic loss of a loved one or someone close to you… Type 2 trauma, also known as complex trauma, refers to trauma that may involve childhood experiences or traumatic experiences during early development. Repetitive trauma is also a type 2 trauma where trauma is repeated. Complex trauma often becomes part of a relationship in which a person becomes stuck. This occurs in situations such as child abuse from caregivers. Common examples of type 2 traumatic events can include: * Childhood abuse * Domestic violence… * Bullying…

Psychology today/ trauma processing, when and when not: “Research has found that telling the trauma story is ineffective in bringing relief from symptom of trauma and sometimes can be harmful (retraumatizing)… A heavy focus on telling the traumatic story reflects outdated notions of what trauma does to people and how to treat it. Traumatic memories are not stored in a way that they can be deeply accessed by verbal interactions based on cognitive or logical processes. Trauma is stored somatically, that is, in the body…  Traumatic memories reside as frozen experiences within…

“If we begin therapy by focusing on the trauma story itself, the risk is high that we will add to the injury and pain. Early work should focus instead on restoring a sense of safety, on helping the survivor to discover and draw on their resources, and on self-regulation. Only after a client has been able to achieve a reduction in the alertness that typically follows trauma and a strengthened awareness of resources for coping with stress should we consider strategies that directly deal with the trauma story. Such preparation reduces the odds that reviewing the trauma will cause emotional flooding and retraumatization”.

Positive psychology/ trauma informed therapy: “Trauma-informed care… is based on a number of crucial principles that are essential for successful therapy:… 1. Safety first The primary focus is creating a physically and emotionally secure environment, including maintaining confidentiality and establishing clear boundaries to help survivors regain control and trust. 2. Trustworthiness and transparency Essential in trauma therapy, trust is built through honesty, reliability, and clear communication, forming the bedrock of the therapeutic relationship. 3. Empowerment and choice Addressing the powerlessness often felt by trauma survivors, autonomy involves providing choices, involving them in treatment decisions, and recognizing their strengths to restore their sense of control”.

Hopeful heart counseling/ stages of trauma recovery explained by a therapist: Helping a loved one through trauma recovery involves patience, understanding, practical support, and encouragement to seek professional help when needed. Providing basic needs such as food, shelter, and transport, as well as assisting with finances and childcare, can offer invaluable support during this challenging time. Being emotionally there for your loved one is also crucial; listening, validating their feelings, and reassuring them can significantly impact their healing process. Encouraging them to seek professional help when necessary and offering your unwavering support can make a world of difference in their recovery journey… How can I support a loved one through trauma recovery? Provide practical and emotional support, and encourage professional help when necessary – these are the best ways to support a loved one through trauma recovery”.

anita