Continued:

Once I understand, deeply, thoroughly, that she and I were always separated, never together, there is no reason, no purpose to keep her falsehoods in me. No reason, no purpose in being loyal to her.

There is simply no way, there has been no way for me to be together with her, she just wouldn’t, couldn’t.. wouldn’t be with me. And so, I could only imagine that I was with her, that there was a Together.

As a child, it was not a biological possibility for me to understand that I was alone. I had to imagine a together, so to not perish in terrible, deadly alone-ness.

And now, I can understand that there was no together. I don’t need to imagine a together with her. I can be together with other people, others who are way less resistant (than my mother) to being together with me.

Healing, sobering up, is not about separating from her, it’s about deeply, thoroughly understanding that she couldn’t, wouldn’t be with me, for me. Not because of a fault in the child-me, but a lack of an ability and willingness on her part to be together with anyone.

– To be continued-

anita