Continued:

It’s still strange, but Refreshing and Exhilarating! Just now, as I capitalized refreshing and exhilarating, I  “heard” her voice criticizing me for capitalizing the two words, calling me out on it: what’s wrong with you? And then, of course, proceeding to tell me: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with you: you.. you.. YOU.. ! And how dare you…!

I “heard” potential readers saying this to me, by proxy of her.

This (there’s something terribly wrong/ inferior, shameful about YOU!) is what I heard her say every day of my life: 365 (days per year), times 50+ (years), times 10+ times per day.. that’s 17,25o+ times so far. No wonder I keep “hearing” her. It’s the habit of my mind to hear and re-hear her, here, there, and everywhere.

Thanks Mom!

Oopsie, I said Mom, with a capital letter (I don’t “hear” her complaining about that!)

My mother was big on being M and me, being small, weak, submissive to her, a slave to her rage.

I can feel my rage at being subdued, diminished, terribly, oh so terribly disrespected, subjected to abuse, not because I deserved it, but because she felt like it.

I remember seeing her face, as she was watching the pain on my face: her smile, I remember it so vividly, so clearly. That was the only way I pleased her: giving her that pleasure of being on Top, the one in Power.

She had no other use for me.

The mix of loving her and wanting to give her more of what she got out of me, and.. my need to get out of the hole she dug for me: to BE. That mix was excruciating.

Her dark, dark eyes.. they were dark brown, but not as dark as I remember them to be.  It’s her dark heart that I saw in her eyes, dark for me.

– To be continued-

anita