Dear Arie:

When an original poster is angry with someone in their in-real- life, I feel, that it would be easier and safer for me, as a responder, to side with the OP because the person they are angry with is not present on the forum (no risk of confrontation with a non-present 3rd party). On the other hand, if I reply, and I don’t side with the angry OP, I am risking a confrontation with the OP.  In this reply, I will not be siding with you any more than I’ll be siding with the non-present Amy, an object of your anger. Instead, I will try to take an objective view of you and her.

I am further prefacing what is to follow with this: none of us is perfect, and neither am I. I make mistakes every day. I have faults and failures. Like others, my tendency has been to see other people’s faults and failings, and avoid looking into my own (while still feeling ashamed and guilty!) It’s easier to blame others, to focus on their negatives, than it is to look into our own negatives/ our own faults and failings. Problem is that without confronting our own negatives, we can not improve and replace those negatives with positives.

My purpose in the following is (1) to help you, not to hurt you, (2) to help myself (I will elaborate on this at the end of this long post). I know that this is a long, elaborate post, and you may not be in the mood for it. You are welcome to not read it and/ or reply:

I believe that the first time you mentioned Amy (your sister-in-law’s sister) was on March 27, 2022. In your 3rd sentence about her, you wrote: “She had asked me the previous night if it was ok if her date came and if it would bother me if he was there“- that was a positive, caring behavior on her part, showing concern for your feelings.

On the same day, you shared about a negative, uncaring, hurtful and angry behavior on Amy’s part: “Telling me…  to go f*** myself… asking me if I thought she was really that stupid… She told me she didn’t have to explain anything and told me I was with her date, and for me to stop acting dumb… She has now blocked me on everything“.

Fast forward to May 21 and June 6, 2024, you shared more about Amy’s negative behavior of 2 years ago: “She proceeded to tell me I was a s*** and a boyfriend stealer and she knew I was with her so called boyfriend/date…  No matter what I said, the accusations flew“.

You shared that some following the above, you and Amy reconciled, but then, at one point, you told Amy that a guy she was about to date, or maybe started to date, liked you and wanted to date you: “(he) confessed he liked me and wanted to date me…. I told Amy this“. This was a negative, uncaring thing to say to her, knowing her sensitivity. Whether you intended to hurt her, or not, it was hurtful and unnecessary to say this to her.

Amy’s response to your insensitivity on the matter was predictable: “again she accused me and told me she didn’t trust me and I steal everyone“.

“Last November (2023) she met a guy and has been with him since. Ever since she met him, she basically stopped talking to me… She would also not speak to me or any of my family members during family gatherings. Instead she would cling to her bf like someone is going to steal him from her“- reads like she indeed believes that you have it in you to hurt her (to steal her boyfriend), that she feels that you are a threat; that her motivation is to protect her relationship.

“My current husband and even my Aunt said that Amy is jealous of me and was always and will always be jealous of me.  There is nothing to be jealous of.“- Amy believes that there is something to be jealous of.

“Update:… Amy walked past us and did not say one word and made her way into the kitchen with her bf who is a drunk all the time… Even her sister and their mother made a comment saying how unsociable she has become… I think its very rude and selfish of her not to say HI to me or my family or some of the guests… Amy and her sister’s dad past away earlier this year“- yes, it is rude to not say Hi, but perhaps her intent was not to be rude (just as your intent, when you told her that her intended date liked you, was not your intent to hurt her..?) Maybe she was suffering, or numb, being in her own world, depressed, because her father died a few months ago, and because her boyfriend has a serious drinking problem.

“Amy is the type who loves to be in the center of attention.  If it is not about her, then she doesn’t care about anyone. She is also very dramatic… rude and selfish of her…  How childish and petty…. She is always drama, drama, drama.  If it’s not about her, she doesn’t care…. she needs to grow up!.. childish and petty“- there is a lack of empathy for Amy, and lots of negative judgment of her.

You may replace some of your negative judgment of Amy’s insecurity and jealousy, by remembering your own  insecurity and jealousy in your relationship with your husband, from your Dec 7, 2022- June 4, 2023 posts. (I am adding the boldface feature to show 1- your own insecurity and jealousy in your own words, and 2- how similar- although not identical, of course- you and Amy are!):

“We set a wedding dinner…  The day of our dinner , we had to go to the airport to pick up a friend of his.  He had failed to tell me that his friend was a she… She… Then I turned to her and right in front of his friends outside I said ‘Who do you think you are…Who’s wedding dinner is this?  Yours or mine sweetheart?   I suggest you go inside and sit and mind your own business and let me and my husband handle everything. NOT YOU!”’…  I was fuming… My face was beat red...   She puts her hand on my shoulder and said she and my husband are just friends and for me not to be jealous.  I said oh no I’m not jealous.  I just protect what is mine and for her to take her hand off my shoulder… I deleted and blocked her from everything , including every social media and emails…

“So, few months passed.  I had access to his phone. I went in one night while he was asleep and deleted all these old texts from women before me and blocked all of them and deleted their numbers...Then I found some texts on his apple watch in his language.  I can’t tell if the number is female or male. I tried to translate… Am I being over dramatic ?… I’ve been so hurt and traumatized in the past from men ghosting me, cheating on me, etc. and its affecting me even now that I’m married” (Dec 7, 2022)

“I am having major trust issues… I saw his new passcode when he was getting into his phone. I know the code to his Apple Watch.  And I go into that daily while he’s sleeping… The other morning I came across a number I didn’t recognize on his watch.  I screen shot it with my phone along with the texts that were in Turkish… I translated every thing via google translate… I confronted my husband last week about who’s numbers are those etc. he told me he is not cheating… So, this morning I went on his watch again . On his fb messenger I found a msg from December. He msg some girl over his country ‘Hi’… While he was sleeping I went into his phone and deleted her and blocked her from messenger and Facebook…

“I want to stop spying, but when I get a gut feeling I go with it.  I told him in the beginning not to do anything that would be suspicious… I no longer spy on his phone much.  Sometimes I will get into it and look around.  I did, however, find a girl on his Instagram that sent him a message asking him if he was single… I deleted and blocked her from his account… I found no secret conversations anywhere in his phone. I did all this while he was asleep. I really need to stop looking in his phone…. I always have that fear in the back of my mind that he will leave like he did before without notice.  That will always stay in my mind….I guess, I just need to relax and stop worrying. (Dec 10, 2022- June 4, 2023).

Notice: * the words of your husband’s friend, at or close to the wedding dinner event (that there’re nothing to be jealous about, that you shouldn’t be jealous of her), had the same effect on you, as your words (same words) had on Amy: none. Both of you have been having major trust issues, both jealous, both similarly affected by past negative relationships with men.

* The motivation underneath your anger and jealous was to protect your relationship (“I just protect what is mine“), seeing other women as threats to your relationship: same motivation as Amy’s.

* You point your finger at Amy for being very dramatic (“ She is also very dramatic…. She is always drama, drama, drama“) while suspecting that about yourself (“Am I being overdramatic?“)

* You point your finger at Amy for being rude, selfish, childish, petty.. while you have been these things too, feeling that you are justified being these things, but Amy is not.

* You “get a gut feeling and go with it“, and so did Amy when she went off on you.

I will end this post with my purpose to help myself in typing all of this (in addition to my purpose to be of some help to you):

I have a lifetime tendency and habit to be judgmental of others, that is, to point my finger at others’ faults and failures (hardly ever vocally, mostly in my thoughts), and it caused me lots of distress, while not relieving at all my own shame about my faults and failures. I am in the beginning process of ending this tendency and habit. One way for me to create this change is to use the NPARR strategy (a strategy I used in other contexts, not in this one):  Notice when I have a negative, accusatory thought about another person; notice when I am pointing my finger at their imperfection, fault, or failure, then Pause.

Next Address the situation: do I/ did I also behave in the way this other person behaved just now, is there an empathetic way for me to re-interpret his/ her behavior, given that I, myself, behaved similarly? Also: is there a situational problem here that requires me to say/ do something? Or not? Next, Respond: Say or do something, or not. Lastly, Redirect my focus to behaving myself in ways I wish others behaved.

anita