Home→Forums→Relationships→Fake friend….or a jealous friend
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May 21, 2024 at 4:30 pm #432911Arie1276Participant
I am friends with or was friends with my sister n laws sister. I will call her Amy. Amy was married at the time and i was married at the time also. She had filed for divorce from her husband 2 years later. My husband and I divorced 3 years ago. I am now re-married and my ex husband is re-married also. Any ways, when she was single and I was single we hung out a lot. We went out alot to clubs and everytime she had a date she would show me pictures and tell me how her dates went and asked for advice. I also did the same when I was dating. I felt she was getting jealous of me because I never had a problem attracting men and being myself because I am not a fake person. She started to say negative things about my dates and about me. The one evening , a bunch of us went out to a winery and she was going to have her date meet her there. We all met him. I was not dating anyone at the time. The following weekend, I was asked out by a man I knew for a long time just to have a few drinks and dinner. Nothing more than that. I was not even near our home town that night. I was home by 10pm that evening in bed sleeping. The following morning, I received a nasty text from her. She proceeded to tell me I was a slut and a boyfriend stealer and she knew i was with her so called boyfriend/date because he was in my area at around 3 am that morning. Accusing me of everything. How she knew he was in my area around that time , no clue! I replied back saying so apparently I was the only single girl in the area and there was no other girls in my town he was going to see. No matter what i said , the accusations flew. And somehow she got my brother and sister n law involved and both believed her and not me. I ended up blocking all 3 of them from my phone and social media for 3-4 months. Only contact I had with my brother was through my mother. It became very toxic and nasty. I didn’t even get an apology from either one of them when I did unblock them because of a medical emergency with a family member. We did end up reconciling and started hanging out again. Then I was gonna play match maker and set up a date with a male friend and Amy. Well my male friend confessed he liked me and wanted to date me. I said no. I told Amy this and again she accused me and told me she didn’t trust me and I steal everyone. I explained to her I did not want this man and all I was trying to do was play match maker and I could not help how he felt. She ended up saying negative and mean things to me. So we ended up not speaking again and again my brother and my sister n law believed her. Amy is the type who loves to be in the center of attention. If it is not about her, then she doesn’t care about anyone. She is also very dramatic. I only try to keep peace because I am in the middle since my brother is married to Amy’s sister. My brother has children from his previous marriage. A month later, we started speaking again and hanging out. Last year, I met my second husband from a dating site. We hit if off and were inseperable and decided to get married and we ended up moving almost an hour away because of his job. I also have kids from my previous marriage. She never even once congratulated me or my husband on our marriage. Since I got re-married things have calmed down. But Amy is still very jealous of me. She does not comment or like any of my face book pictures or posts. Last November she met a guy and has been with him since. Ever since she met him, she basically stopped talking to me and I no longer seem to exist to her. Two weeks ago she texted me crying and telling me her bf wanted to break up with her . Me being the bigger person that I am, offered my support and advice. Then the next day they got back together and now I don’t exist. I kept thinking well, she can’t blame be for that one now since I am married. I no longer reach out to her and she hasn’t spoken to me in few weeks. She would also not speak to me or any of my family members during family gatherings. Instead she would cling to her bf like someone is going to steal him from her. Which is sad!
Real friends don’t act this way. I am to the point now where I do not wish to even be around her or anything anymore. But she will always be at family gatherings and events since my brother is married to her sister. When my best friend was alive, she never did this to me. No matter what event was going on in our lives we were there for each other like sisters. My current husband and even my Aunt said that Amy is jealous of me and was always and will always be jealous of me. There is nothing to be jealous of.
May 21, 2024 at 6:12 pm #432915anitaParticipantDear Arie1276:
I am very pleased to read from you again! We first communicated in your first thread on Feb 16, 2022. That was.. less than 2 months before you met your current husband for the first time (April 1, 2022). After not posting for about 2.5 months, you submitted a post for me on March 21, 2023 and on June 4, 2023, telling me that you are doing well, that you were married for 10 months at that point, and that you went on a nice vacation with your husband 2 weeks before, that it was like a 2nd honeymoon.
I wasn’t able to reply to your 3/21 and 6/4 posts because I deleted my account sometime in Feb 2023. Soon after I returned to the forums, under a different account, I submitted a post for you in your previous thread, on Sept 15, 2023 (“Dear Arie1276: I hope that you are still doing well, over three months since your last post above. I don’t know if you are still following the activity on your thread, so if you are reading this and would like to talk further, please let me know”).
Again, good to read from you again!
And now to this thread and your original post:
“The following morning, I received a nasty text from her. She proceeded to tell me I was a slut and a boyfriend stealer…“- yes, I remember, you shared about this before, and I remember that it greatly distressed you.
“We did end up reconciling and started hanging out again. Then I was gonna play match maker and set up a date with a male friend and Amy. Well my male friend confessed he liked me and wanted to date me. I said no. I told Amy this“- oh, oh. I wish you didn’t tell her that, it’d only cement her jealousy!
“and again she accused me and told me she didn’t trust me and I steal everyone… She would also not speak to me or any of my family members during family gatherings. Instead she would cling to her bf like someone is going to steal him from her. Which is sad! Real friends don’t act this way“- I would completely give up on the idea of being friends with her, and no longer hang out with her outside family gatherings to which you are both invited as family. And I would keep a polite, light and minimal exchange with her during the family gatherings; nothing more, nothing less.
anita
May 21, 2024 at 10:52 pm #432924HelcatParticipantHi Arie
I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties you have had with Amy. I honestly don’t speak to relatives like that anymore either. It is not worth the hassle. I think you’re doing the right thing steering clear of that.
Sorry to hear about the passing of your best friend too. My condolences.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
May 22, 2024 at 4:45 pm #433023anitaParticipantDear Arie1276:
On March 27, 2022, you shared that long ago, at a bar, a guy who Amy (your brother’s wife’s sister) was interested in dating flirted with you while she was getting drinks, she saw him touching your hair, and accused you of flirting with him. Fast forward, Friday night, March 19, 2022, you met Amy, her date, her sister, and a couple other people at the winery to watch a local band. Sunday morning, March 21, 2022, Amy texted you to never talk to her again, used a profanity against you, and falsely accusing you of meeting her date after the time at the winery. You defended yourself, telling her it wasn’t true, tried to convince her that it wasn’t true, but she didn’t believe you, and blocked you on everything. On that same Sunday, your brother called you, accused you of the same, and used profanities against you. You wrote at the time: “A real friend would have approached it differently. She is no longer my friend over something that was handled like an immature high school girl“.
More than 2 years later, yesterday, May 21, 2024, you shared again about Amy’s text that Sunday after the Winery gathering, calling you, “a slut and a boyfriend stealer”, and no matter what you said to defend yourself from her false accusations, she kept accusing you. Both your brother and his wife (Amy’s sister) believed Amy and not you. You blocked the 3 of them from your phone and social media for 3-4 months. Following that, you all reconciled and starting hanging out again.
“Then I was gonna play match maker and set up a date with a male friend and Amy. Well, my male friend confessed he liked me and wanted to date me. I said no. I told Amy this“- knowing that Amy has been jealous of you for a long time, that she believes that men prefer you over her, why- after telling Amy that you wanted to set her up with your male friend – did you tell her that your male friend likes you and wants to date you?
After you told her, she said negative things about you, and your brother and his wife, once again, believed Amy. You haven’t spoken to your brother and his wife since, and you and Amy haven’t spoken in a few weeks.
“I guess I just need some advice on how to deal with this type of situation or if anyone out there has been through this. What upsets me more is that my own brother turned his back on me and basically is sticking up for his sister n law!!!!!!“- if it is possible for you to get everyone (your brother, his wife, Amy and you) to attend family counseling/ therapy together, that would be best. In the counseling session, hopefully everyone will get to express themselves without profanities, for the purpose of conflict resolution. You will express how you feel being falsely accused, being called names, and the others will get to express themselves.
Conflicts and misunderstandings resolved, closeness between you all can be restored, I hope!
anita
May 29, 2024 at 8:57 pm #433292JayakrishnanParticipantDear Arie1276,
Sorry to hear about your experience. I also had gone through such a situation. It hurts sometimes but i learned that one person can hurt you once or twice afterwards we also learn from the experience. I would suggest you be what you are and help her when she seeks your help. You are not doing it for her but for your happiness because as humans its a basic courtesy to help some one who looks like a human in a diffcult situtation or despair. God bless you. Good week ahead.
Regards, Jayakrishnan, India.
June 6, 2024 at 5:16 pm #433575Arie1276ParticipantUpdate:
And the saga continues. Two weeks ago my brother had a birthday party for my niece. Everyone was invited. We were all there except Amy and her bf. My sister n law said she had texted her earlier that morning asking if she was coming. No response. Then right when we were getting ready to eat, Amy and her bf walk in. Me and my family were in the living room along with other guests, and Amy walked past us and did not say one word and made her way into the kitchen with her bf who is a drunk all the time, to talk to her sister and then made her way to the dining room table and sat there. Not once did she say anything to us. Even her sister and their mother made a comment saying how unsociable she has become . I whispered and told them, I will not text or msg her and i think its very rude and selfish of her not to say HI to me or my family or some of the guests. I also said ever since she got a bf, she has pushed everyone aside. Me and my family left after the birthday cake was served. As we were walking out, she said something and i completely ignored her and left.
Then, today I saw she posted on face book a meme saying “I would rather paint the house with a q tip, thank worry about who is not talking to me”. I knew that meme was geared towards me. I didn’t respond. How childish and petty. And of course there were people commenting. She is always drama drama drama. If its not about her, she doesn’t care. Her sister is the same way. I am to the point that i just need to let it go. But it is hard , especially when your brother is married to Amy’s twin sister and Amy and her bf are at every single family function. Which makes it uncomfortable knowing how she is. And I cannot go to any of the functions because thats the only time I see my nieces and nephew. The only option I have is just to ignore her. And for her to post memes like that on facebook….she needs to grow up!
My brother is having fathers day dinner at his home. I am hoping Amy and her bf will not be there. Amy and her sister’s dad past away earlier this year. If she isn’t there, then i will talk to my brother on how to deal with this situation, which is childish and petty.
June 7, 2024 at 4:08 am #433583JayakrishnanParticipantDear Arie1276,
You be what you are ? Sometimes you need to ignore or let go things for your own mental peace and well being. Stay positive and stop worrying. All the Best. Good weekend.
Regards, Jayakrishnan-India
June 7, 2024 at 5:12 am #433584RobertaParticipantDear Ariel1276
In your last post you shared that your sister in law has noticed the impoliteness of her twin sister towards the people around her. The tit for tat of who is not speaking to who can cause family schisms that ripple down over generations.
You said that Amy spoke as you were leaving a family gathering, was it inflammatory, untruthful?
It is possible to be polite & dignified and also to work on nurturing good relationships within the greater family circle. This of course takes effort & diligence & the willingness to put aside our ego/pain body in these situations.
Regards
Roberta
June 7, 2024 at 10:39 am #433592anitaParticipantDear Arie:
When an original poster is angry with someone in their in-real- life, I feel, that it would be easier and safer for me, as a responder, to side with the OP because the person they are angry with is not present on the forum (no risk of confrontation with a non-present 3rd party). On the other hand, if I reply, and I don’t side with the angry OP, I am risking a confrontation with the OP. In this reply, I will not be siding with you any more than I’ll be siding with the non-present Amy, an object of your anger. Instead, I will try to take an objective view of you and her.
I am further prefacing what is to follow with this: none of us is perfect, and neither am I. I make mistakes every day. I have faults and failures. Like others, my tendency has been to see other people’s faults and failings, and avoid looking into my own (while still feeling ashamed and guilty!) It’s easier to blame others, to focus on their negatives, than it is to look into our own negatives/ our own faults and failings. Problem is that without confronting our own negatives, we can not improve and replace those negatives with positives.
My purpose in the following is (1) to help you, not to hurt you, (2) to help myself (I will elaborate on this at the end of this long post). I know that this is a long, elaborate post, and you may not be in the mood for it. You are welcome to not read it and/ or reply:
I believe that the first time you mentioned Amy (your sister-in-law’s sister) was on March 27, 2022. In your 3rd sentence about her, you wrote: “She had asked me the previous night if it was ok if her date came and if it would bother me if he was there“- that was a positive, caring behavior on her part, showing concern for your feelings.
On the same day, you shared about a negative, uncaring, hurtful and angry behavior on Amy’s part: “Telling me… to go f*** myself… asking me if I thought she was really that stupid… She told me she didn’t have to explain anything and told me I was with her date, and for me to stop acting dumb… She has now blocked me on everything“.
Fast forward to May 21 and June 6, 2024, you shared more about Amy’s negative behavior of 2 years ago: “She proceeded to tell me I was a s*** and a boyfriend stealer and she knew I was with her so called boyfriend/date… No matter what I said, the accusations flew“.
You shared that some following the above, you and Amy reconciled, but then, at one point, you told Amy that a guy she was about to date, or maybe started to date, liked you and wanted to date you: “(he) confessed he liked me and wanted to date me…. I told Amy this“. This was a negative, uncaring thing to say to her, knowing her sensitivity. Whether you intended to hurt her, or not, it was hurtful and unnecessary to say this to her.
Amy’s response to your insensitivity on the matter was predictable: “again she accused me and told me she didn’t trust me and I steal everyone“.
“Last November (2023) she met a guy and has been with him since. Ever since she met him, she basically stopped talking to me… She would also not speak to me or any of my family members during family gatherings. Instead she would cling to her bf like someone is going to steal him from her“- reads like she indeed believes that you have it in you to hurt her (to steal her boyfriend), that she feels that you are a threat; that her motivation is to protect her relationship.
“My current husband and even my Aunt said that Amy is jealous of me and was always and will always be jealous of me. There is nothing to be jealous of.“- Amy believes that there is something to be jealous of.
“Update:… Amy walked past us and did not say one word and made her way into the kitchen with her bf who is a drunk all the time… Even her sister and their mother made a comment saying how unsociable she has become… I think its very rude and selfish of her not to say HI to me or my family or some of the guests… Amy and her sister’s dad past away earlier this year“- yes, it is rude to not say Hi, but perhaps her intent was not to be rude (just as your intent, when you told her that her intended date liked you, was not your intent to hurt her..?) Maybe she was suffering, or numb, being in her own world, depressed, because her father died a few months ago, and because her boyfriend has a serious drinking problem.
“Amy is the type who loves to be in the center of attention. If it is not about her, then she doesn’t care about anyone. She is also very dramatic… rude and selfish of her… How childish and petty…. She is always drama, drama, drama. If it’s not about her, she doesn’t care…. she needs to grow up!.. childish and petty“- there is a lack of empathy for Amy, and lots of negative judgment of her.
You may replace some of your negative judgment of Amy’s insecurity and jealousy, by remembering your own insecurity and jealousy in your relationship with your husband, from your Dec 7, 2022- June 4, 2023 posts. (I am adding the boldface feature to show 1- your own insecurity and jealousy in your own words, and 2- how similar- although not identical, of course- you and Amy are!):
“We set a wedding dinner… The day of our dinner , we had to go to the airport to pick up a friend of his. He had failed to tell me that his friend was a she… She… Then I turned to her and right in front of his friends outside I said ‘Who do you think you are…Who’s wedding dinner is this? Yours or mine sweetheart? I suggest you go inside and sit and mind your own business and let me and my husband handle everything. NOT YOU!”’… I was fuming… My face was beat red... She puts her hand on my shoulder and said she and my husband are just friends and for me not to be jealous. I said oh no I’m not jealous. I just protect what is mine and for her to take her hand off my shoulder… I deleted and blocked her from everything , including every social media and emails…
“So, few months passed. I had access to his phone. I went in one night while he was asleep and deleted all these old texts from women before me and blocked all of them and deleted their numbers...Then I found some texts on his apple watch in his language. I can’t tell if the number is female or male. I tried to translate… Am I being over dramatic ?… I’ve been so hurt and traumatized in the past from men ghosting me, cheating on me, etc. and its affecting me even now that I’m married” (Dec 7, 2022)
“I am having major trust issues… I saw his new passcode when he was getting into his phone. I know the code to his Apple Watch. And I go into that daily while he’s sleeping… The other morning I came across a number I didn’t recognize on his watch. I screen shot it with my phone along with the texts that were in Turkish… I translated every thing via google translate… I confronted my husband last week about who’s numbers are those etc. he told me he is not cheating… So, this morning I went on his watch again . On his fb messenger I found a msg from December. He msg some girl over his country ‘Hi’… While he was sleeping I went into his phone and deleted her and blocked her from messenger and Facebook…
“I want to stop spying, but when I get a gut feeling I go with it. I told him in the beginning not to do anything that would be suspicious… I no longer spy on his phone much. Sometimes I will get into it and look around. I did, however, find a girl on his Instagram that sent him a message asking him if he was single… I deleted and blocked her from his account… I found no secret conversations anywhere in his phone. I did all this while he was asleep. I really need to stop looking in his phone…. I always have that fear in the back of my mind that he will leave like he did before without notice. That will always stay in my mind….I guess, I just need to relax and stop worrying. (Dec 10, 2022- June 4, 2023).
Notice: * the words of your husband’s friend, at or close to the wedding dinner event (that there’re nothing to be jealous about, that you shouldn’t be jealous of her), had the same effect on you, as your words (same words) had on Amy: none. Both of you have been having major trust issues, both jealous, both similarly affected by past negative relationships with men.
* The motivation underneath your anger and jealous was to protect your relationship (“I just protect what is mine“), seeing other women as threats to your relationship: same motivation as Amy’s.
* You point your finger at Amy for being very dramatic (“ She is also very dramatic…. She is always drama, drama, drama“) while suspecting that about yourself (“Am I being overdramatic?“)
* You point your finger at Amy for being rude, selfish, childish, petty.. while you have been these things too, feeling that you are justified being these things, but Amy is not.
* You “get a gut feeling and go with it“, and so did Amy when she went off on you.
I will end this post with my purpose to help myself in typing all of this (in addition to my purpose to be of some help to you):
I have a lifetime tendency and habit to be judgmental of others, that is, to point my finger at others’ faults and failures (hardly ever vocally, mostly in my thoughts), and it caused me lots of distress, while not relieving at all my own shame about my faults and failures. I am in the beginning process of ending this tendency and habit. One way for me to create this change is to use the NPARR strategy (a strategy I used in other contexts, not in this one): Notice when I have a negative, accusatory thought about another person; notice when I am pointing my finger at their imperfection, fault, or failure, then Pause.
Next Address the situation: do I/ did I also behave in the way this other person behaved just now, is there an empathetic way for me to re-interpret his/ her behavior, given that I, myself, behaved similarly? Also: is there a situational problem here that requires me to say/ do something? Or not? Next, Respond: Say or do something, or not. Lastly, Redirect my focus to behaving myself in ways I wish others behaved.
anita
June 9, 2024 at 11:54 am #433621Arie1276ParticipantDear Anita
I have read your response. I do agree with what you have said and thank you for your advice. My family and I have decided to ignore Amy at family functions like she does us and pretend she isn’t there. It’s not the worth it anymore to get stressed out over her behavior, in which I feel that my brother and his wife need to talk to her about her ignoring everyone including her family and how its effecting them and everyone around them.
June 9, 2024 at 2:00 pm #433622anitaParticipantDear Arie:
You are welcome, and thank you for responding to me, it’s nice to be acknowledged!
Since my last reply to you, I do the NPARR strategy just the way I suggested to you, so my advice has been helping me, And, in my last sentence in my last reply: “Redirect my focus to behaving myself in ways I wish others behaved.”- I had a saying in mind but couldn’t come up with the wording. I now remember the saying: “Be the Change You Want to See in the World” (Mahatma Gandhi).
anita
June 29, 2024 at 9:07 am #434383Arie1276ParticipantAnita,
Since my last post, a big huge thing happened. First I need to back track a little bit. Two summers ago, my brother his wife, and her sister all went in together to purchase an above ground pool. Since my brother’s back yard isn’t flat, they all decided to have it installed at his wife’s sister’s house since her yard is flat. Ok..so no big deal on that end. My sister n law invited me and my 2 grown boys who are 20 and 24 over to swim and to have a cook out a week ago. I said ok fine and I will bring a covered dish. I knew her sister and that obnoxious boyfriend of hers were gonna be there too. My brother’s 2 girls were gonna be there along with my nephew and his girlfriend. Ages 13-18. My sister n laws mom was there also. My husband had to work so he could not go. I figured it will be nice to swim and enjoy everyone’s company and have fun since it was a very hot day. I had arrived with my youngest son and my oldest arrived a little later. When I arrived there was adult beverage bottles and cans all over the pool deck . All the adults were drunk including my brother. And when I mean drunk…I mean drunk! I do not drink because I live the furthest away. So I just ignored it all and swam and talked to my nieces and the rest of the kids and my sister n law. Her sister’s bf started to be very obnoxious and loud. Lots of profanity. No one likes him except my brother. Well, all of a sudden my sister n law told him that she will never swim in his pool because he had said he swims nude and who knows what he does in there. Well that conversation turned into more profanity and perverted remarks about penises . He directed that coversation to my youngest son who is 20. (I get it….all kids no matter what age are subjected to some form of profanity or they look stuff up, talk about it amongst their friends etc. We all did at that age.) My son can’t stand this guy at all. I had made the motion the bf to knock it off because it was becoming annoying. He eventually did. My son mumbled f-you to the bf several times. I had told my son to be quiet, but he doesn’t care. He is like me in so many ways. Anyways….I was annoyed because my 13 year old niece was in the pool and my sister n laws mom was getting irritated. And noone would say anything to this guy. The guy has no respect towards women or towards the kids in the pool. Noone wants to hear that when you and others are trying to enjoy yourself. The guy kept telling my other niece to get him another drink and she did. I told her that she didn’t have to get it and that he should get it himself like the other adults are. Well that didn’t fly over too well either. Then I got out of the pool because my mom had called asking if I was stopping over later to get something. My mom heard this guys mouth and was getting pissed because the youngest grand kid (my niece) shouldn’t be listening to all that and for my brother to tell this guy to knock it off. I was telling her what was going on. Then I hung up with her. Then my husband called but I didn’t tell him what was going on until later. My oldest son and youngest son had left because they had plans with their friends later on that day. I was sitting on the deck and out comes my sister n law’s sister out of the house yelling….”I’m sick and tired of all the comments being made about Mark (her bf’s name) and telling him to f off. I’m tired of people telling other people what is going on here on the phone”. I was like wtf….and was like who over heard my conversation and had the nerve to tell her what I was saying! Then shit hit the fan! My brother started yelling at me, then her bf started saying he didn’t care who likes him and if I had a problem with him. Then it got worse…..he wouldn’t stop screaming at me and I told him to go f off! Then he comes charging out of the pool onto the deck and in my face screaming at me acting like some tough ass! I kept telling him to get out of my face and that i wasn’t afraid of him. I told him to go f off and that he was a drunk ass piece of shit with no respect to those around him and my brother just stood there letting this happen. Then my sister n laws sister told me to f off bitch and told me to get the f out of her house and told me and boys to f off! I told them all they could go f off and gathered my things and left! The sad part was my brother just stood there…..not saying a word and not sticking up for me. My sister n law was in the house when all this happened.
I called my mom on the way to her house crying. I told her everything that happened. My parents let my brother have it! Why did he step in…because who knew what could have happened…that guy could have punched me because who knows how people get when they are drunk. I blocked all the adults there on my social media accounts and from my phone including my brother. My husband even called my brother asking him why he didn’t protect me or stand in between that guy and me and if he was there, my husband would have killed that guy because my husband is a professional mma fighter. For someone to tell me and my kids to f off, that’s telling my whole family to f off and I will never in my life forgive someone like that.
The next day…my brother was trying to call me and couldn’t get ahold of me because I had him blocked per my mom. So I unblocked him enough to call him back. He wanted ME to apologize for what had happened. I said no why should I. I told him after that pos charging at me like that and his gf telling me and my family to f off…..I am not apologizing…….I told my brother if he wants to associate with drunk ass pos like that and let someone like and to talk like that in front of kids and have no respect……thats on him. I also told my brother if he wants to stick up for people like that..thats on him. He said he isn’t sticking up for them. I told him he is and its pretty sad that he couldn’t stick up for his own flesh n blood. He said if we all would just get to know this guy and that he is actually a pretty nice guy and thats just the way he is. I said nope!!! Not ever!!!!!!!! He then went on saying that his wife’s sister didn’t mean what she said. and I told him I call bs on that and that she meant it! I told him don’t expect me and family to ever come around ever again and if those 2 will be there , we will not. He kept saying how its putting a strain between everyone and he even want my son to apologize for telling that guy to f off…. I said no way in hell will my son apologize and my son said he will not. I was also told to stop acting like I am better than everyone, which I don’t act like I am and I am not by any means. My parents told me not to apologize and for my son not to apologize. If anything, they owe us an apology!!!!!!! My parents told my brother that they will not be at any picnics or get togethers if those 2 will be there. If they are there, my parents will not not go. No one in my family likes that guy and my sister n laws sister. My aunt and uncle do not like them either because of the way they act. Few of my friends told me not to apologize because I am the only one in the family with a back bone and will stand up for myself and my family and that I had the balls to say stuff! And the bad thing is that my brother works with this guy!
I made amends with my brother and his wife, she had nothing to do with what had happened. I told my brother that I will not back down nor apologize and he needs to respect that. I also told him I have no respect for people like that, if i don’t like something i will say it . I also said that I am sick and tired of people to tell me how to act, how to feel, what to say and what not to say and that i am tired of getting jumped on for standing my ground and standing up for myself and to stop treating me like a little kid!!!!!! I also told my brother how no one really talks to my husband and how my husband is tired of feeling like no one likes him because he is not from this country. I told my brother he bleeds the same way we all do!!!!!! And he is a part of the family and his brother n law!!!!!!!!! My nephews graduation party is today and I am only going for him , my brother and his wife. My family will be there except for my kids because they chose not to go. From now on we will only be attending, graduation parties , birthday parties, and holiday get togethers. I know those 2 will be there and we will just act like they don’t exist. I know word has spread on that side and i am sure that some of their friends know. I have a feeling i will be getting talked about and getting the stink eye the whole time we are at the graduation party.
Am I the bad one for saying what I said and saying what no one else has the nerve to say to people like that??? Should I apologize? How does one deal with a situation like that? I just don’t know what to do anymore.
June 29, 2024 at 11:08 am #434390anitaParticipantDear Arie:
I am so sorry that you are going through this family-from-hell situation.
You mentioned your 13-year-old niece being there. She and any non-adults shouldn’t have been exposed to the profanity and drunkenness going on. She should not have been present there.
If the pool cookout party took place in your home/ on your property, you’d have the right to kick out your sister-in-law’s sister (Amy) and her boyfriend, and anyone who disrespected you or your sons, and anyone who behaved in ways you disapproved of.
Problem is, as I see it, that the party took place on Amy’s property, and if all the people in the party were adults, and nothing illegal took place, then it’s the hosts’ (Amy, since it’s her home, and your brother and sister-in law, since they are part-owners of pool) choice what behavior is acceptable in their home/ on their property (Ex., using profanity that wasn’t aimed at you).
You ended your post with: “Am I the bad one for saying what I said and saying what no one else has the nerve to say to people like that??? Should I apologize? How does one deal with a situation like that? I just don’t know what to do anymore.“- my answers/ comments: (1) no, you are not the bad one, (2) it’s not wise to have arguments with people who are drunk, so your best bet would have been to excuse yourself and leave the party without any confrontation, (3) I would apologize for one thing, and one thing only: for participating in/ encouraging a confrontation on someone else’s property, (4) You are stuck with Amy’s choice of a boyfriend, nothing you can do about it, no matter how annoyed and outraged you are by his behaviors. Except for protecting and standing up for those who are underaged, there’s nothing you should try to do.
I’d say the situation is a mess and since you plan to see them all in future family celebrations, if I was you, (1) I would apologize, but only for what I mentioned above, (2) I would act politely to all, instead of acting like they don’t exist, and I would avoid conflict ad confrontations as much as possible. I wouldn’t criticize anyone’s behavior when done in someone else’s home, unless it’s illegal and/ or if children are present and could be harmed.
Does this make sense to you?
anita
June 29, 2024 at 11:09 am #434391RobertaParticipantDear Arie1276
You chose to accept the invite to go around even though you know that the situation between you & other family members/inlaws is volatile. You were sober and capable of walking away the moment things began to get uncomfortable especially since you saw that they we really drunk by the time you arrived. You in your post you say that you & your son used the F word on several occasions during this visit. So its a bit like the pot calling the kettle black. I think you are right to keep any future meetings to a minimum & act with dignity and walk away from anything that you find provocative. It is up to your nieces parents to go into bat on her behalf.
July 28, 2024 at 9:36 am #435456Arie1276ParticipantDear Anita
Sorry it took so long for me to respond back. Myself, my husband, my children and my parents have choses not to attend any cook outs or friend gatherings if those two will be there. I have chosen to distance myself from those type of people. Come to think of it, Amy actually stopped talking to me and my family while in her presence ever since she met that guy. I have chosen not to apologize. Even before she met him, she was never a true friend to me like my child hood best friend was (now deceased). So I have washed my hands clean of her. My brother knows I will never speak to her ever again and neither will my parents after what was said about me and my boys and how that POS of hers’ got in my face like he did. Even if I did apologize and attend parties where they will be, there still will be a lot of friction and tension in the air. So its best I stay far away.
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