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Fake friend….or a jealous friend

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  • #432911
    Arie1276
    Participant

    I am friends with or was friends with my sister n laws sister.  I will call her Amy.   Amy was married at the time and i was married at the time also.    She had filed for divorce from her husband 2 years later.   My husband and I divorced 3 years ago.  I am now re-married and my ex husband is re-married also.   Any ways, when she was single and I was single we hung out a lot.   We went out alot to clubs and everytime she had a date she would show me pictures and tell me how her dates went and asked for advice.  I also did the same when I was dating.   I felt she was getting jealous of me because I never had a problem attracting men and being myself because I am not a fake person.   She started to say negative things about my dates and about me.   The one evening , a bunch of us went out to a winery and she was going to have her date meet her there.   We all met him.  I was not dating anyone at the time.    The following weekend, I was asked out by a man I knew for a long time just to have a few drinks and dinner.  Nothing more than that.   I was not even near our home town that night.   I was home by 10pm that evening in bed sleeping.  The following morning, I received a nasty text from her. She proceeded to tell me I was a slut and a boyfriend stealer and she knew i was with her so called boyfriend/date because he was in my area at around 3 am that morning.  Accusing me of everything.   How she knew he was in my area around that time , no clue!   I replied back saying so apparently I was the only single girl in the area and there was no other girls in my town he was going to see.   No matter what i said , the accusations flew.   And somehow she got my brother and sister n law involved and both believed her and not me.   I ended up blocking all 3 of them from my phone and social media for 3-4 months.  Only contact I had with my brother was through my mother.   It became very toxic and nasty.   I didn’t even get an apology from either one of them when I did unblock them because of a medical emergency with a family member.     We did end up reconciling and started hanging out again.   Then I was gonna play match maker and set up a date with a male friend and Amy.  Well my male friend confessed he liked me and wanted to date me.  I said no.  I told Amy this and again she accused me and told me she didn’t trust me and I steal everyone.  I explained to her I did not want this man and all I was trying to do was play match maker and I could not help how he felt.  She ended up saying negative and mean things to me. So we ended up not speaking again and again my brother and my sister n law believed her. Amy is the type who loves to be in the center of attention.  If it is not about her, then she doesn’t care about anyone. She is also very dramatic.    I only try to keep peace because I am in the middle since my brother is married to Amy’s sister. My brother has children from his previous marriage.   A month later, we started speaking again and hanging out.   Last year, I met my second husband from a dating site.  We hit if off and were inseperable and decided to get married and we ended up moving almost an hour away because of his job.   I also have kids from my previous marriage.  She never even once congratulated me or my husband on our marriage.   Since I got re-married things have calmed down.   But Amy is still very jealous of me.  She does not comment or like any of my face book pictures or posts.   Last November she met a guy and has been with him since.  Ever since she met him, she basically stopped talking to me and I no longer seem to exist to her.  Two weeks ago she texted me crying and telling me her bf wanted to break up with her .   Me being the bigger person that I am, offered my support and advice.  Then the next day they got back together and now I don’t exist.   I kept thinking well, she can’t blame be for that one now since I am married.    I no longer reach out to her and she hasn’t spoken to me in few weeks.    She would also not speak to me or any of my family members during family gatherings. Instead she would cling to her bf like someone is going to steal him from her.  Which is sad!

    Real friends don’t act this way.  I am to the point now where I do not wish to even be around her or anything anymore.  But she will always be at family gatherings and events since my brother is married to her sister.   When my best friend was alive, she never did this to me.  No matter what event was going on in our lives we were there for each other like sisters.    My current husband and even my Aunt said that Amy is jealous of me and was always and will always be jealous of me.  There is nothing to be jealous of.

    #432915
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie1276:

    I am very pleased to read from you again! We first communicated in your first thread on Feb 16, 2022. That was..  less than 2 months before you met your current husband for the first time (April 1, 2022).  After not posting for about 2.5 months, you submitted a post for me on March 21, 2023 and on  June 4, 2023, telling me that you are doing well, that you were married for 10 months at that point, and that you went on a nice vacation with your husband 2 weeks before, that it was like a 2nd honeymoon.

    I wasn’t able to reply to your 3/21 and 6/4 posts because I deleted my account sometime in Feb 2023. Soon after I returned to the forums, under a different account, I submitted a post for you in your previous thread, on Sept 15, 2023 (“Dear Arie1276: I hope that you are still doing well, over three months since your last post above. I don’t know if you are still following the activity on your thread, so if you are reading this and would like to talk further, please let me know”).

    Again, good to read from you again!

    And now to this thread and your original post:

    The following morning, I received a nasty text from her. She proceeded to tell me I was a slut and a boyfriend stealer…“- yes, I remember, you shared about this before, and I remember that it greatly distressed you.

    We did end up reconciling and started hanging out again.   Then I was gonna play match maker and set up a date with a male friend and Amy.  Well my male friend confessed he liked me and wanted to date me.  I said no.  I told Amy this“- oh, oh. I wish you didn’t tell her that, it’d only cement her jealousy!

    “and again she accused me and told me she didn’t trust me and I steal everyone…  She would also not speak to me or any of my family members during family gatherings. Instead she would cling to her bf like someone is going to steal him from her.  Which is sad! Real friends don’t act this way“- I would completely give up on the idea of being friends with her, and no longer hang out with her outside family gatherings to which you are both invited as family. And I would keep a polite, light and minimal exchange with her during the family gatherings; nothing more, nothing less.

    anita

     

    #432924
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Arie

    I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties you have had with Amy. I honestly don’t speak to relatives like that anymore either. It is not worth the hassle. I think you’re doing the right thing steering clear of that.

    Sorry to hear about the passing of your best friend too. My condolences.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #433023
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie1276:

    On March 27, 2022, you shared that long ago, at a bar, a guy who Amy (your brother’s wife’s sister) was interested in dating flirted with you while she was getting drinks, she saw him touching your hair, and accused you of flirting with him. Fast forward, Friday night, March 19, 2022, you met Amy, her date, her sister, and a couple other people at the winery to watch a local band. Sunday morning,  March 21, 2022, Amy texted you to never talk to her again, used a profanity against you, and falsely accusing you of meeting her date after the time at the winery. You defended yourself, telling her it wasn’t true, tried to convince her that it wasn’t true, but she didn’t believe you, and blocked you on everything.  On that same Sunday, your brother called you, accused you of the same, and used profanities against you. You wrote at the time: “A real friend would have approached it differently. She is no longer my friend over something that was handled like an immature high school girl“.

    More than 2 years later, yesterday, May 21, 2024, you shared again about Amy’s text that Sunday after the Winery gathering,  calling you, “a slut and a boyfriend stealer”, and no matter what you said to defend yourself from her false accusations, she kept accusing you. Both your brother and his wife (Amy’s sister) believed Amy and not you.  You blocked the 3 of them from your phone and social media for 3-4 months. Following that, you all reconciled and starting hanging out again.

    Then I was gonna play match maker and set up a date with a male friend and Amy. Well, my male friend confessed he liked me and wanted to date me. I said no.  I told Amy this“- knowing that Amy has been jealous of you for a long time, that she believes that men prefer you over her, why- after telling Amy that you wanted to set her up with your male friend – did you tell her that your male friend likes you and wants to date you?

    After you told her, she said negative things about you, and your brother and his wife, once again, believed Amy. You haven’t spoken to your brother and his wife since, and you and Amy haven’t spoken in a few weeks.

    I guess I just need some advice on how to deal with this type of situation or if anyone out there has been through this. What upsets me more is that my own brother turned his back on me and basically is sticking up for his sister n law!!!!!!“- if it is possible for you to get everyone (your brother, his wife, Amy and you) to attend family counseling/ therapy together, that would be best. In the counseling session, hopefully everyone will get to express themselves without profanities, for the purpose of conflict resolution. You will express how you feel being falsely accused, being called names, and the others will get to express themselves.

    Conflicts and misunderstandings resolved, closeness between you all can be restored, I hope!

    anita

    #433292
    Jayakrishnan
    Participant

    Dear Arie1276,

    Sorry to hear about your experience. I also had gone through such a situation. It hurts sometimes but i learned that one person can hurt you once or twice afterwards we also learn from the experience. I  would suggest you be what you are and help her when she seeks your help. You are not doing it for her but for your happiness because as humans its a basic courtesy to help some one who looks like a human in a diffcult situtation or despair. God bless you. Good week ahead.

    Regards, Jayakrishnan, India.

    #433575
    Arie1276
    Participant

    Update:

    And the saga continues.  Two weeks ago my brother had a birthday party for my niece. Everyone was invited.   We were all there except Amy and her bf.  My sister n law said she had texted her earlier that morning asking if she was coming. No response.  Then right when we were getting ready to eat,  Amy and her bf walk in.  Me and my family were in the living room along with other guests, and Amy walked past us and did not say one word and made her way into the kitchen with her bf who is a drunk all the time, to talk to her sister and then made her way to the dining room table and sat there.  Not once did she say anything to us.  Even her sister and their mother made a comment saying how unsociable she has become .  I whispered and told them, I will not text or msg her and i think its very rude and selfish of her not to say HI to me or my family or some of the guests.  I also said ever since she got a bf, she has pushed everyone aside.   Me and my family left after the birthday cake was served.  As we were walking out, she said something and i completely ignored her and left.

    Then, today I saw she posted on face book a meme saying “I would rather paint the house with a q tip, thank worry about who is not talking to me”.    I knew that meme was geared towards me.   I didn’t respond.  How childish and petty.  And of course there were people commenting.  She is always drama drama drama.  If its not about her, she doesn’t care.  Her sister is the same way.   I am to the point  that i just need to let it go.  But it is hard , especially when your brother is married to Amy’s twin sister and Amy and her bf are at every single family function.  Which makes it uncomfortable knowing how she is.  And I cannot go to any of the functions because thats the only time I see my nieces and nephew.      The only option I have is just to ignore her.   And for her to post memes like that on facebook….she needs to grow up!

    My brother is having fathers day dinner at his home.  I am hoping Amy and her bf will not be there.  Amy and her sister’s dad past away earlier this year.   If she isn’t there, then i will talk to my brother on how to deal with this situation, which is childish and petty.

     

    #433583
    Jayakrishnan
    Participant

    Dear Arie1276,

    You be what you are ? Sometimes you need to ignore or let go things for your own mental peace and well being. Stay positive and stop worrying. All the Best. Good weekend.

    Regards, Jayakrishnan-India

    #433584
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Ariel1276

    In your last post you shared that your sister in law has noticed the impoliteness of her twin sister towards the people around her.  The tit for tat of who is not speaking to who can cause family schisms that ripple down over generations.

    You said that Amy spoke as you were leaving a family gathering, was it inflammatory, untruthful?

    It is possible to be polite & dignified and also to work on nurturing good relationships within the greater family circle. This of course takes effort & diligence & the willingness to put aside our ego/pain body in these situations.

    Regards

    Roberta

    #433592
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie:

    When an original poster is angry with someone in their in-real- life, I feel, that it would be easier and safer for me, as a responder, to side with the OP because the person they are angry with is not present on the forum (no risk of confrontation with a non-present 3rd party). On the other hand, if I reply, and I don’t side with the angry OP, I am risking a confrontation with the OP.  In this reply, I will not be siding with you any more than I’ll be siding with the non-present Amy, an object of your anger. Instead, I will try to take an objective view of you and her.

    I am further prefacing what is to follow with this: none of us is perfect, and neither am I. I make mistakes every day. I have faults and failures. Like others, my tendency has been to see other people’s faults and failings, and avoid looking into my own (while still feeling ashamed and guilty!) It’s easier to blame others, to focus on their negatives, than it is to look into our own negatives/ our own faults and failings. Problem is that without confronting our own negatives, we can not improve and replace those negatives with positives.

    My purpose in the following is (1) to help you, not to hurt you, (2) to help myself (I will elaborate on this at the end of this long post). I know that this is a long, elaborate post, and you may not be in the mood for it. You are welcome to not read it and/ or reply:

    I believe that the first time you mentioned Amy (your sister-in-law’s sister) was on March 27, 2022. In your 3rd sentence about her, you wrote: “She had asked me the previous night if it was ok if her date came and if it would bother me if he was there“- that was a positive, caring behavior on her part, showing concern for your feelings.

    On the same day, you shared about a negative, uncaring, hurtful and angry behavior on Amy’s part: “Telling me…  to go f*** myself… asking me if I thought she was really that stupid… She told me she didn’t have to explain anything and told me I was with her date, and for me to stop acting dumb… She has now blocked me on everything“.

    Fast forward to May 21 and June 6, 2024, you shared more about Amy’s negative behavior of 2 years ago: “She proceeded to tell me I was a s*** and a boyfriend stealer and she knew I was with her so called boyfriend/date…  No matter what I said, the accusations flew“.

    You shared that some following the above, you and Amy reconciled, but then, at one point, you told Amy that a guy she was about to date, or maybe started to date, liked you and wanted to date you: “(he) confessed he liked me and wanted to date me…. I told Amy this“. This was a negative, uncaring thing to say to her, knowing her sensitivity. Whether you intended to hurt her, or not, it was hurtful and unnecessary to say this to her.

    Amy’s response to your insensitivity on the matter was predictable: “again she accused me and told me she didn’t trust me and I steal everyone“.

    Last November (2023) she met a guy and has been with him since. Ever since she met him, she basically stopped talking to me… She would also not speak to me or any of my family members during family gatherings. Instead she would cling to her bf like someone is going to steal him from her“- reads like she indeed believes that you have it in you to hurt her (to steal her boyfriend), that she feels that you are a threat; that her motivation is to protect her relationship.

    My current husband and even my Aunt said that Amy is jealous of me and was always and will always be jealous of me.  There is nothing to be jealous of.“- Amy believes that there is something to be jealous of.

    Update:… Amy walked past us and did not say one word and made her way into the kitchen with her bf who is a drunk all the time… Even her sister and their mother made a comment saying how unsociable she has become… I think its very rude and selfish of her not to say HI to me or my family or some of the guests… Amy and her sister’s dad past away earlier this year“- yes, it is rude to not say Hi, but perhaps her intent was not to be rude (just as your intent, when you told her that her intended date liked you, was not your intent to hurt her..?) Maybe she was suffering, or numb, being in her own world, depressed, because her father died a few months ago, and because her boyfriend has a serious drinking problem.

    Amy is the type who loves to be in the center of attention.  If it is not about her, then she doesn’t care about anyone. She is also very dramatic… rude and selfish of her…  How childish and petty…. She is always drama, drama, drama.  If it’s not about her, she doesn’t care…. she needs to grow up!.. childish and petty“- there is a lack of empathy for Amy, and lots of negative judgment of her.

    You may replace some of your negative judgment of Amy’s insecurity and jealousy, by remembering your own  insecurity and jealousy in your relationship with your husband, from your Dec 7, 2022- June 4, 2023 posts. (I am adding the boldface feature to show 1- your own insecurity and jealousy in your own words, and 2- how similar- although not identical, of course- you and Amy are!):

    “We set a wedding dinner…  The day of our dinner , we had to go to the airport to pick up a friend of his.  He had failed to tell me that his friend was a she… She… Then I turned to her and right in front of his friends outside I said ‘Who do you think you are…Who’s wedding dinner is this?  Yours or mine sweetheart?   I suggest you go inside and sit and mind your own business and let me and my husband handle everything. NOT YOU!”’…  I was fuming… My face was beat red...   She puts her hand on my shoulder and said she and my husband are just friends and for me not to be jealous.  I said oh no I’m not jealous.  I just protect what is mine and for her to take her hand off my shoulder… I deleted and blocked her from everything , including every social media and emails…

    “So, few months passed.  I had access to his phone. I went in one night while he was asleep and deleted all these old texts from women before me and blocked all of them and deleted their numbers...Then I found some texts on his apple watch in his language.  I can’t tell if the number is female or male. I tried to translate… Am I being over dramatic ?I’ve been so hurt and traumatized in the past from men ghosting me, cheating on me, etc. and its affecting me even now that I’m married” (Dec 7, 2022)

    I am having major trust issues… I saw his new passcode when he was getting into his phone. I know the code to his Apple Watch.  And I go into that daily while he’s sleeping… The other morning I came across a number I didn’t recognize on his watch.  I screen shot it with my phone along with the texts that were in Turkish… I translated every thing via google translate… I confronted my husband last week about who’s numbers are those etc. he told me he is not cheating… So, this morning I went on his watch again . On his fb messenger I found a msg from December. He msg some girl over his country ‘Hi’… While he was sleeping I went into his phone and deleted her and blocked her from messenger and Facebook…

    “I want to stop spying, but when I get a gut feeling I go with it.  I told him in the beginning not to do anything that would be suspicious… I no longer spy on his phone much.  Sometimes I will get into it and look around.  I did, however, find a girl on his Instagram that sent him a message asking him if he was single… I deleted and blocked her from his account… I found no secret conversations anywhere in his phone. I did all this while he was asleep. I really need to stop looking in his phone…. I always have that fear in the back of my mind that he will leave like he did before without notice.  That will always stay in my mind….I guess, I just need to relax and stop worrying. (Dec 10, 2022- June 4, 2023).

    Notice: * the words of your husband’s friend, at or close to the wedding dinner event (that there’re nothing to be jealous about, that you shouldn’t be jealous of her), had the same effect on you, as your words (same words) had on Amy: none. Both of you have been having major trust issues, both jealous, both similarly affected by past negative relationships with men.

    * The motivation underneath your anger and jealous was to protect your relationship (“I just protect what is mine“), seeing other women as threats to your relationship: same motivation as Amy’s.

    * You point your finger at Amy for being very dramatic (“ She is also very dramatic…. She is always drama, drama, drama“) while suspecting that about yourself (“Am I being overdramatic?“)

    * You point your finger at Amy for being rude, selfish, childish, petty.. while you have been these things too, feeling that you are justified being these things, but Amy is not.

    * You “get a gut feeling and go with it“, and so did Amy when she went off on you.

    I will end this post with my purpose to help myself in typing all of this (in addition to my purpose to be of some help to you):

    I have a lifetime tendency and habit to be judgmental of others, that is, to point my finger at others’ faults and failures (hardly ever vocally, mostly in my thoughts), and it caused me lots of distress, while not relieving at all my own shame about my faults and failures. I am in the beginning process of ending this tendency and habit. One way for me to create this change is to use the NPARR strategy (a strategy I used in other contexts, not in this one):  Notice when I have a negative, accusatory thought about another person; notice when I am pointing my finger at their imperfection, fault, or failure, then Pause.

    Next Address the situation: do I/ did I also behave in the way this other person behaved just now, is there an empathetic way for me to re-interpret his/ her behavior, given that I, myself, behaved similarly? Also: is there a situational problem here that requires me to say/ do something? Or not? Next, Respond: Say or do something, or not. Lastly, Redirect my focus to behaving myself in ways I wish others behaved.

    anita

     

    #433621
    Arie1276
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I have read your response.  I do agree with what you have said and thank you for your advice.  My family and I have decided to ignore Amy at family functions like she does us and pretend she isn’t there.   It’s not the worth it anymore to get stressed out over her behavior, in which I feel that my brother and his wife need to talk to her about her ignoring everyone including her family and how its effecting them and everyone around them.

    #433622
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie:

    You are welcome, and thank you for responding to me, it’s nice to be acknowledged!

    Since my last reply to you, I do the NPARR strategy just the way I suggested to you, so my advice has been helping me, And, in my last sentence in my last reply: “Redirect my focus to behaving myself in ways I wish others behaved.”- I had a saying in mind but couldn’t come up with the wording. I now remember the saying: “Be the Change You Want to See in the World” (Mahatma Gandhi).

    anita

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