Dear Paradoxy,

recently when B was talking to him again after reading our conversation, he told her that I was interested in someone, when I actually wasn’t, and she assumed that I was interested in that person for months and she assumed that I was breaking up with her because I was cheating when I actually wasn’t. She thought I was just pinning to blame on her to break up with her so that I could be with someone else. But none of that was true. I was never interested in anyone else. But the false information that he fed to her led to this conclusion.

Let’s slow this down a little: she accused you (falsely) of cheating, not necessarily because she really believed you cheated on  her, but because a narcissist will use anything to accuse a person, even if it’s a complete fabrication. Don’t forget that she was accusing you left and right, even for major transgressions on her part, such as prostituting herself. She also accused you of “crucifying” her, when you simply wanted her to be faithful and not lie and cheat on you.

So her accusations are malevolent, arbitrary and unjust: there is no base for them, and yet, she is doing that, because that’s one of the narcissist’ tactics to wear down the victim and assert control and power over their victim. Because every normal person wants to defend themselves against false accusations, and try to prove that they didn’t do the awful thing that they are being accused of.

But with a narcissist, it’s a futile attempt, because a narcissist is not interested in the truth but in winning over you, in making you feel bad about yourself and them feeling superior to you. Even having moral superiority over you, when she is clearly the lying and cheating party, while you are innocent.

Because of that, there is no point in trying to defend yourself to her, because she will never accept your arguments – because she is not interested in facts but in feeling superior and in control of you. The more you defend yourself, the more you are entangling yourself in her web, and the more powerful she feels.

Your defending yourself and arguing with her is one way you give her narcissistic supply. Because she is getting energized from those arguments and you are exhausting yourself in the process.

Remember how you felt 3 months ago? Completely exhausted, worn down, ruined (your words), with no energy to study. Well, that’s because she drained all the energy out of you, in those endless arguments in which you tried to explain to her that what she did was wrong, or that she is hurting you, or that it’s not your fault that she prostituted herself etc etc. And yet: none of your points reached her. She was like a brick wall and kept accusing you again and again.

You see? That’s her tactic to control you an wear you down: false accusations.

I know all that, but she thinks that these are just my excuses to pin the blame on her because she thinks I was cheating on her.

As I’ve just explained, she might not even think that you were cheating. But she is using it to control the narrative, and the narrative is the one in which you are the guilty party and needing to defend yourself to her. And there she has you: caught in her web.

No the relationship was already endangered by then, but I am trying to get a peaceful resolution and this dude is feeding her with unnecessary things behind my back???? I am trying to get my money and move on and this dude is creating reasons for her to continue fighting with me?

There cannot be a peaceful resolution with her, in the sense that she is finally happy with you and gives you back your money and you both go on your merry ways, separately. No. She will never be happy with you unless you choose to be her servant till however long she finds appropriate. She will make you feel guilty and make you “pay” – literally by giving her money and by doing whatever she tells you to do (such as buying her $80 perfumes).

She will make you pay and serve her purposes – that’s the only way she will be “happy” with you. And as soon as you object, she will attack you and accuse you of being a horrible person. Or she will start pitying herself and whaling about her sad destiny and that if you don’t help her, her life will be ruined blah blah blah. She will use emotional blackmail and guilt-tripping, if you dare to say no to her requests.

I am trying to get my money and move on and this dude is creating reasons for her to continue fighting with me?

No, dear Paradoxy, SHE is the reason she is continuing to fight with you. That’s her modus operandi, a way to keep control over you. The chat she stole from you is an endless source of attacks on you (a goldmine, actually), which she will be using for as long as she can provoke a reaction from you. Your friend’s slip-up is just another excuse for her to attack you and torture you.

And btw, why would it be even your fault that your friend is hitting on her? But still, she finds a reason to turn it against you, to make you feel guilty, so she can keep a moral superiority over you and then…  extract the “pay” from you.

What I am trying to say is that even if he weren’t hitting on her, she would still be fighting with you. His behavior only gives her more “fuel” to fire those false accusations and arguments.

And keep in mind that she might have contributed to him hitting on her, by flirting with him and portraying herself as the innocent one in the conflict with you. But of course, she is not showing you their entire conversation. Only the “incriminating” part, which she is happily using to accuse you further.

Apparently she can’t access the website? And she wanted to deposit some money into her account so she needed to go to the atm for that. And it was in the night and the place we live can get dangerous at night.

Haha, she can’t access the website, for days…. yeah right. And then she needs to go to the ATM late at night. Yeah, the only time of day she can go. And then of course, what else but to ask you to accompany her? Right?

No, Paradoxy… honestly, I think she is using it as an excuse to meet with you and try to seduce you back into the relationship. Because you said she wants to lure you back in. So she is playing a “damsel in distress”, needing to go alone in the dangerous night… and she has no one to turn to but you… and so you are her prince charming, who saves her. And she is so happy and maybe even shows some gratitude, and acts sweet… in hope that you might change your mind and accept her back.

Am I right in assuming that she is acting very sweet on those walks to the ATM? Because if so, those are her attempts to lure you back in…

Besides I can’t have her death on my conscience if something did happen since she was leaving in the middle of the night.

Nothing happened to her at those pool parties, where she was dancing almost naked, when you two weren’t dating yet. So don’t worry, this girl is more than capable of taking care of herself – if she wants to. And if she doesn’t… well, you trying to save her from herself is like trying to save an addict from heroin. It’s impossible. You are not responsible for her safety, and besides, she doesn’t have to go to the ATM late at night. That’s just her excuse to meet you…

Yes I saw her account balance and it was roughly 60$. What else am I supposed to do other than wait patiently until next month? She promised to pay then. I can’t let go of this money.

First, why don’t you come up with a plan to pay you back in installments, e.g. $100 a month? I don’t know what’s your laptop worth, but I guess not more than $1000? So that would be 10 months.

I know that with a narcissist, they don’t stick to any kind of commitment, so even if they promise, they will find excuses not to pay you back. But still, I think it would be good to have at least some plan – some form of commitment on her part – rather than her not even trying to save up. Because as it is right now, she will pay you back never. BTW, how much did she already pay back, if I may ask? 10% of the amount she owes?

I can’t let go of this money.

You may have to. Are you counting to get back only the laptop money, or also some of the investment money that she promised to give you back? Because I think you can say goodbye to the latter – she’s not giving that back, even if she promised. As far as the laptop money, perhaps the best way would be to get a summer job and earn a thousand bucks and that’s it. Much easier than waiting for her and letting yourself be humiliated and manipulated in the process…

This woman is now asking if I could buy her an 80$ perfume as “a gift” for her. This woman is craaaaaazzzzyyyyy I swear. The audacity is insaneeeeeee.

Yeah, glad you see it. But she is not crazy. She is narcissistic. And her behavior is called entitlement. She believes she is entitled to receive such gifts and get whatever she wants (even from people who shouldn’t have any responsibility for her upkeep, such as her ex boyfriend). And she is using every possible tactic to extract things from people, such as blaming, guilt-tripping or playing a martyr…

Not everyone falls for her tactics, but those who are empathic and/or those who believe they are a bad person (like you – who are both empathic and believe you are a bad person) unfortunately fall for her bait. You are a perfect victim for her, i.e. a perfect source of narcissistic supply.

No acceptance as in controlling my emotions and not allowing her to trigger me.

What you are doing now is agreeing to everything she wants (or almost everything) and playing according to her rules, without resisting or raising your voice. So total submission and obedience. You believe you are doing it only for a while, till she gives you back the money. But I hope you understood that her goal is NOT to give you back the money, but to keep you as her source of supply for as long as possible. She doesn’t want to let you go, but to keep you attached to her.

So what is a better strategy then? I agree that fighting and arguing (and trying to defend yourself in the face of her accusations) wouldn’t be a good strategy. So it’s good that you are trying to reduce that, because that’s only depleting you and energizing her.

However, it’s also not a good strategy to give her whatever she wants, such as taking her to the ATM whenever she pleases, or believing her empty promises – that she would give you back the money, even if she doesn’t have the slightest intention to start saving.

You should realize that she doesn’t want to give you back the money, because that’s when she would lose the narcissistic supply (both emotional and financial) that she is getting from you.

If you know her true intentions, you’ll be able to adjust your strategy better. Because right now she has you on a leash, and she doesn’t intend to drop that leash, if she can help it.

I didn’t want to be cold to her, but I think that is my only choice right now. I am not letting her fool me anymore.

Yep, you’d need to change strategy. Gray rocking is one possible method. We can talk more about possible strategies, but you’d need to realize whom you are dealing with: a very tricky enemy. And it won’t be easy to disentangle from her. But you need to first want to. And then come up with the ways how.

With regard to your friend (your first question), I’ll reply in a separate post.