Continued:

I am having a difficult day today, my mother’s voice, paranoid, negative, ‘all people are bad people, trying to take advantage, bad.. BAD people‘ has been playing and re-playing in my brain without my consent. I suppose this is how the brain works: it plays back old recording when one is tired and anxious (my shoulders/ upper back have been hurting for days, ever since I used a small, electrical mower, for hours).

I felt depressed for the first time in a long, long time, just not right. Still don’t feel right. Was up about 4 am, it’s now 14 hours later, the day is just too long when feeling this way. I am depressed over people’s pain, people (a person) I care about. I feel depressed over the state of the world: so much violence, war, cruelty.. I am not finding the Positive this evening. I WISH I could save the world.. like a superwoman- anita I wish I was. I’d do ANYTHING, everything to save the millions of people that need saving. How incompetent I am, how useless, how insignificant when it comes to making the world a bit better.

Hey, I just noticed I feel a bit better for having typed this.

I’d do anything. I’ll climb the tallest mountain, if.. it made a difference.

One person (me) wanting to make a difference, not having a way to make a difference. If only I was a world leader, a celebrity, I would have spoken, I would have made a difference.

But as it is, there is no way for me to.. what are the words to the song…: “If I can change the world, I would be the sunlight in your universe, you would think my love is something really good…  If I can change the world, I would be the sunlight in your universe.. If I could change the world, if I could.. If I could change the world” (Eric Clapton).

I am a hard worker irl; I am known in this part of the world where I live as “the hardest working person”, so say some hard-working people observing me (physical work), day after day, month after month, year after year. If I could.. if I could change the world with my hard, physical work.. I would!

But.. how futile my desire to change the world.

Here I am typing to.. who is reading? A person or two.

It’s so very weird, this internet thing. Eric Clapton I still singing on the other window as I am typing this: “I shot the sheriff, but I didn’t shoot no deputy… I shot… I shot the sheriff“. I live in a very wild-west area, U.S., men in cowboy hats and beards (younger men: long beards, older men: short beards), and of course, weapons that go along with the beards and cowboy hats. I may be digressing. but hey, I am feeling better for it.

Somehow the music on the other window passed on to “the thrill is gone“/ B. B. King, great music (thank you for being here with me, those of you who are reading, 2-3 people I gather, at the most): “The thrill is gone” (the thrill is always gone, says I, it’s in its nature to be gone): “you know I’m free, free now baby, I am free from your spell… You’ve done me wrong; you’d be sorry some day“- my goodness, this is excellent music, the Blues. This song is thrilling me (!) and the day’s depression is gone!

The magic of the Blues.

There are other songs about changing the world: “Can’t do it by myself… Together we can change the world.. With our hand and our hearts, we can make a start.. What if we spoke with one voice… Together…” (Mark Shepard, so it says, never heard this song before).

Back to Eric Clapton: “this love I have inside… it’s only in my dreads; I can change te world.. If I could, cha-change the world… I would be the sunlight in  your universe… cha-change the world“.

It seems like too much to ask: TO CHANGE THE WORLD, to BE THE SUNLIGHT IN YOUR UNIVERSE, for crying out loud!

“If I could reach the stars.. shining on my heart, so you can see the truth, then this love I have inside… it’s only in my dreams“-

– human/ most human’s impotence.. if only I could change the world…

“I would be the sunlight in your universe, you would think my love was something good“- which brings me to my story: my mother thought that my love was something bad, that I was something bad, and so was everyone else. And these were the thoughts circulating in my brain today: how bad everyone is.

“I must be strong and carry on” (Eric Clapton still, Tears in Heaven) “Time can bring you down… Time can break your heart… Beyond the dark, there’s peace for sure… There’ll be no more tears in heaven“.

“It’s late in the evening… And then she asks me, Do I look alright?… And then  she asks me Do you feel alright?.. because I see the light in your eyes.. My darling, you are wonderful tonight” (Eric Clapton, Wonderful Tonight)

Here is one of my most- ever- favorite song: “mama told me when I was young, sit beside me, my only son, and listen closely to what I say, and if you do this, it will help you some sunny day… take your time, don’t live too fast, troubles will come, and they will pass… and be a SIMPLE kind of man… be a simple, be a simple man, why don’t you do this, for my son, if you can… All you need is in your soul… follow your heart, and nothing else, you can do this if you try… a simple kind of man” (Simple Man, Lynyrd Skynyrd).

Thank you 1-3 people reading this, being here with me this Tues night.

anita