Dear Tee,

“Didn’t you say it was a girl from your university class?” Yes but that was for one song. A 10 year old girl inspired the melody for a different song, so I am saying that it would be stupid for people to assume that I am a pedophile just cause a 10 year old inspired one of my songs. And in the same way, it would be stupid for people to assume that I am in love with a female classmate just cause she inspired a song.

“And that you are starting to feel infatuated with her.” Yes, but that realization was a result of my own overthinking and I was only hit by that realization months after the incident. I wasn’t actively thinking about the girl at the time.

“Remember she asked him whether you are cheating when you didn’t answer your phone because you were sleeping? That’s where her mind goes immediately: to blame and accuse, even if the other person is innocent.” Yes I know that, but the guy’s response was like watering the seed and allowing it to grow inside her mind.

“If she indeed saw a chat about this girl that you are infatuated with and wrote a song to – then there is no argument to convince her of the opposite.” Nah she just saw that I made a song and that it was inspired by the girl and I asked the guy for his opinion on the song. She just came to the conclusion that because the girl inspired me to make a song, maybe I was emotionally/mentally cheating on her.

“And besides, maybe your guy friend really thought that you were interested in the girl – because you were? Because you yourself said you were infatuated by her?” I definitely didn’t say I was infatuated with her. I said that the girl has intrigued me and caught my attention but I specifically told him that it was nothing romantic or infatuation or anything like that.

“If you wrote a song for a girl (not a 10-yr old, but someone in your class), and you are infatuated by her – is it a foolishness to believe that you are interested in her?” But I SPECIFICALLY told the guy that I was not infatuated with her. I specifically told him not to get any wrong ideas, that I was just intrigued by her.

“So the “original seed” is in her: the suspicion, the paranoia, the tendency to accuse others. He only poured some water on that seed by saying “yeah maybe he’s interested in that girl”. And let’s face it – you yourself said you were infatuated… so perhaps he wasn’t even lying.” Ok fine, you are right about him watering the seed. But that was really unnecessary. I NEVER TOLD ANYONE THAT I WAS INFATUATED WITH THE GIRL. That was a realization I had MONTHS after the incident happened, and I told u when I came to that realization.

“But I wouldn’t exclude her being flirty either – perhaps not openly flirty like sending pursed lips photos, but more like sweet and agreeable, so that she can paint the image of herself as a kind, sweet person – and win him over.” Yea probably.

“So you are in touch with him at the moment? And he is accusing you of confiding in him about her prostitution? And he is blaming you for leaving her after she admitted she’s prostituted herself?” Yes we still talk. I just never confronted him about what he said to B. Accuse is the wrong term here but he is definitely saying that I am wrong for telling people about what happened to B because it is supposed to be something that I should have kept as a secret between B and I, and he is also saying that I am in the wrong for leaving her as well.

“If so, she managed to turn him against you and present herself as the victim…” Yea probably, and that makes me sick. I am just going to maintain a professional friendship with him now. But honestly, that pushes me back to being alone. I don’t have anyone to talk to or engage in any friendly conversation with. I am just sitting in my room studying and listening to music and etc but it definitely feels lonely.

“I strongly suggest watching her videos, because they can explain why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling.” Yea I will watch the video. But I can’t stop feeling like I am the issue. Cause a girl contacted me about music and stuff and my father told me that I should become friends with her since I don’t have anyone. So I tried and tried and tried and now we don’t even talk anymore. Idek where the hell I am going wrong. Do I lack communication skills? What the hell am I supposed to say when she tells me she is having a bad day? I asked her if she wants to talk about it and she would say no. What am I supposed to do when she says she has trouble falling asleep? So I asked her if she had any troubling thoughts bothering her, and then she just said bye. What am I supposed to do when she says she is in pain? I asked her what kind of pain it is and where the pain is located and she said she doesn’t want to talk about it. THEN WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I am trying to respect her wishes but it’s not getting anywhere. The “friendship” has reached the point where she still talks to me cause “its the right thing to do” and not cause she actually wanted to. What about my feelings? What about my issues? Told me that we should just remain acquaintances and we should talk less. I just feel like a fool. And what is more annoying is that I have to keep trying to maintain a friendship with her because I don’t want my father to find out that this girl also rejected my friendship. Am I really that bad?

Paradoxy