Dear Paradoxy,

Yes but that was for one song. A 10 year old girl inspired the melody for a different song, so I am saying that it would be stupid for people to assume that I am a pedophile just cause a 10 year old inspired one of my songs.

Nobody was saying that… I was referring to the song that was inspired by one of the girls in your university class. Which already might count as you being interested in her.

And in the same way, it would be stupid for people to assume that I am in love with a female classmate just cause she inspired a song.

The phrase you’ve been using so far was that your friend told B that you were interested in the girl who inspired you to write a song:

recently when B was talking to him again after reading our conversation, he told her that I was interested in someone, when I actually wasn’t

It sure would be better than saying that I AM INTERESTED IN HER,

He didn’t tell B that you were in love with her, only that you were interested. And you actually told him that you were intrigued by her:

I definitely didn’t say I was infatuated with her. I said that the girl has intrigued me and caught my attention but I specifically told him that it was nothing romantic or infatuation or anything like that.

So even if you told him that your being intrigued by her is not of a romantic kind, he still might have not believed you. Because let’s be frank: being intrigued by a girl, who caught your attention, and writing a song for her – definitely means interest of some kind.

So your friend wasn’t lying to B after all. What you’re doing now is trying to accuse him of something that isn’t his fault. Because even if you didn’t tell him that you were infatuated by her, you did tell him that you were intrigued by her. He wasn’t lying to B.

So will you own up to the fact that you expressed interest in that girl, or at least that writing a song for her and telling your friend that you were intrigued by her – could be interpreted as interest? Or you will keep denying any responsibility on your part in this particular incident? And keep accusing (unjustly accusing) your friend?

She just came to the conclusion that because the girl inspired me to make a song, maybe I was emotionally/mentally cheating on her.

Well yes, that’s already B’s imagination and malice – to accuse you of having been emotionally cheating while you were still in the relationship with her. Which is not true. Because you started being interested in that girl, or even paying attention to her, only after the breakup. And she is definitely not the cause of breakup, contrary to what B is accusing you of.

So B is falsely accusing you on that. It is malicious. But please note that you too are falsely accusing your friend of lying to B. He told her the truth, or what is close to truth: that you are interested or could be interested in that girl in the present time, in June of 2024, 3 months after the breakup with B. He didn’t tell her that you have been interested in her for months prior, or that you have been emotionally cheating on B.

It is B who used the information about the girl to falsely accuse you of having been emotionally cheating on her for months before, and that your interest in this girl have caused you to break up with her as well. So it is B who is inventing things and using a piece of information that is true to construct a narrative that is false and malicious.

It is not your friend’s fault that 1) B stole your chat, and 2) B is the kind of person who is fishing for any kind of information that she might use against you. He was honest with her, which was a mistake. But that in itself doesn’t make him a bad person.

Yes we still talk. I just never confronted him about what he said to B.

If you still talk, and you talk about B as well, you might as well tell him what B said about him.

Accuse is the wrong term here but he is definitely saying that I am wrong for telling people about what happened to B because it is supposed to be something that I should have kept as a secret between B and I, and he is also saying that I am in the wrong for leaving her as well.

“Accuse is the wrong term here” – Well, telling you that you are wrong for doing something you’ve done – is accusing.

“that I am wrong for telling people about what happened to B” – you were not telling everybody about B’s prostitution, but you only told him, whom was your best friend, and whom you used to confide in. So it’s not fair to say that you were telling it to everybody.

“He is also saying that I am in the wrong for leaving her as well”. – so he is repeating her narrative: that prostitution wasn’t her fault (“cause its not her fault”) and that you should have just accepted it and moved on. And kept pretending as if nothing happened, and kept having sex per usual.

This tells me that he became her flying monkey, unfortunately, because he accepted her false narrative. And the false narrative is that none of it is her fault, or her responsibility, and that it is even your and your parents’ fault for making her feel bad about herself and thus indirectly, “forcing” her to do the act. Which of course is bs and a very unfair accusation (and blame shifting, which is another narcissist tactics btw).

 I am just going to maintain a professional friendship with him now.

Well, he is not keeping it professional with you, because he is talking about your relationship with B and even telling you what you should and shouldn’t have done. He is definitely not professional, but is talking about private stuff. More precisely, the stuff that you confided in him about back then, and that now he is claiming you’ve never should have done (parroting B’s opinion).

In fact, he should have never said to B that he knows she prostituted herself. That was a breach of your trust, because you never told him it’s okay to give away such confidential information, have you? Because it is a sensitive info, and if you told him in confidence – that was a breech of confidence.

I don’t think he did it on purpose back then, when you broke up. I guess he wanted to be “mean” and put her in her place (because he didn’t like her back then). But it wasn’t a nice thing to do, and yes, it was a breech of trust on his part.

So I see that the guy doesn’t know how to keep important things confidential, i.e. doesn’t know what is appropriate to share and what isn’t. He just blabbered it all out. And of course, B started attacking him about all that, and he started defending himself… and one thing led to the other. And now he became her flying monkey.

So he is foolish, and now he became her prey. That’s why I said he is a different type of person than her. But now he’s not a good company for you. So if you want to keep it professional with him, you shouldn’t let him talk about private stuff, such as lecturing you about B. You shouldn’t give him the privilege of accusing you for your supposed “sins”, while you are not mentioning his little secret: his hitting on B.

But honestly, that pushes me back to being alone. I don’t have anyone to talk to or engage in any friendly conversation with. I am just sitting in my room studying and listening to music and etc but it definitely feels lonely.

I am sorry about that, Paradoxy. It is a great trauma when your best friend and confidante suddenly starts believing lies about you and starts accusing you – because they fell pray to a narcissist.

THEN WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? … What about my feelings? What about my issues?

That’s the key: to become aware of your feelings and start healing your issues. You were always expected to be there for others and to suppress your own feelings and desires. Your parents taught you that. Your feelings were not important (and still are not important) to them. And so you’ve never learned empathy for yourself. And that’s why you ended up in a relationship with a narcissist – a person who per definition doesn’t have empathy for others (only for themselves).

Here is what Dr. Ramani said in the video I suggested (about finding solace in solitude):

The most important work of healing is individuation, coming into your own, finally giving yourself permission to fully be yourself. It’s that idea of authenticity: no longer feeling that you have to clip your wings, or your soul, in order for your relationship to work. As you heal and lean into that more authentic state, you will be able to better discern and stop living your life in the unbalanced state of chronic self-blame and self-doubt.

This would be the goal of your healing: individuation, finally giving yourself permission to fully be yourself. It is a huge goal, but you are young. Nevertheless, the sooner you start working on it, the better…