Dear Tee,

“Yes, I think it can, unless you are a professional musician…” I have studied music for 10 years and have taken the exams up to 6 levels out of 8 with scores in distinction, and my guy friend definitely knows my level of skill regarding music.

I am focusing on mentally blocking her but this peace feels temporary. I feel like she is going to come back and start another fight.

“Some people cannot lie, specially if under psychological pressure.” Hell no, not this dude. This is not the first time he has lied and it is not that hard for him cause he is used to it.

“And what about your trauma?” The primary trauma is still hers since she is the one who got taken advantage of. So people would only see that, they won’t see my pain and suffering.

“What were you supposed to do? Suffer in silence?” Yes, that is what she expected me to do.

“What symptoms would that be, if I may ask?” Symptoms include not wanting to socialize, yet they still want to be with others. Tends to be withdrawn and isolated most of the time. Tends to be Intrusive and they also have clumsy socialization skills. Feelings are expressed through art and music rather than speech. Lack of bonding with parents, difficulty making and maintaining friends. Prefer to stick to a certain routine/pattern every day. Prefers a life of predictability and always finds themselves trying to predict the future in order to prepare themselves for possible outcomes mentally. Children of engineers and medics tend to have a high chance of being asper (Coincidence cause my dad is an engineer and mom is a nurse). Aspers start studying and observing people and their behavior at a young age as a means of coping to the inability to socialize and respond to emotions. Associated features include high anxiety and unusual profile of learning abilities regarding reading, mathematics, drawing and singing (My piano skills can substitute singing and I recently drew a portrait of the music girl and it actually came out better than I expected since it was my first time doing art).  Diagnosis of adults can be identified through underachieving in employment and relationships and depression caused by rejection from peers, belief that they are a defect (belief that developed as a result of having no friends to contradict it), and another feature is that their self-esteem is based on the criticism of peers, especially with the absence of compliments. Most of it describes me one way or the other, but I don’t want to self-diagnose myself and get the wrong answer.

“Okay, so you’re writing down what bothers you about certain people? And sometimes you express it (after curating it and making it more polite/non-confrontational, I guess?), and sometimes you don’t express it?” Yes that is what I do now.

” A good way to look at anger is that it is a signal. It shows us that our boundaries are being violated, that we are being violated. It shows us that we need to change something in our relationship with the person – so not to be violated any more.” Lol do u think B or my parents care about boundaries??? LOL

“So you transform your anger into an action to protect yourself, i.e. into setting boundaries.” Pretty sure she will find a way to make a fool out of me. I just have to be prepared.

“If he is forcing you to talk to this girl, you can say that right now you need to focus on your studies and you don’t have time for this girl, specially since she is moody and doesn’t know what she wants and you don’t have time or patience for that.” My father will find some way to intervene, maybe even talking to the girl himself and unintentionally make me look like an idiot in front of the girl.

“So you can use his macho style of “I am a busy man, I don’t have time for stupid emotions” to trick him to let you off the hook.” Lol like that will work against him. He would just say that it is important to have friends  and I should learn to balance my studies and etc and that I should still try to maintain friendship with her.

” You can tell a white lie about your changed schedule or something, which allows you to talk to him only 3 times a week, and for a shorter period of time.” They know my schedule too well. That won’t work. Besides they know people here and they could find out if I am lying or not.

“You can say that now, at the 3rd year of college, there is so much practical work and you are spending a lot of time at the clinic, or any kind of white lie that will avert him from insisting on those daily calls.” I am going into 2nd year now, and they know that classes usually end by 5-6 pm. So they will demand that I talk when I get home.

“When you consider that a proven and repeated liar is telling the truth this time, that’s when you end up being a fool who forgives her again and again. While she gets a free pass to keep hurting you again and again.” Yes, but you know the story of the boy who cried wolf. Obviously, he lied and he deserved what he got, but in the end u have to acknowledge that he lost his life and his parents had to endure the loss too. If the parents had listened to him even though they knew he could be lying, maybe he wouldn’t have lost his life. In the same way, B may be narcissistic and a liar and etc, but if I ignore her when she actually needs my help and something happens, I have to live with that in my conscience.

“Is he considering her as your potential future wife? Is that why he is insisting on this friendship? And if so, what are your thoughts on that? On marrying her?” Yeah he is definitely cooking up some foolishness. He might be just trying to get me to make a friend and allow the friendship to grow into marriage material naturally. But I honestly don’t think this will work like that. She doesn’t even want to talk to me. In fact, she texts me cause “it’s the right thing to do” and not cause she wants to. Wth? I don’t want her pity or forced friendship. I genuinely cared about her issues, but she is pretending to care about mine? In fact she never even asks about my issues anyway. She just sent a random text once in a while and then go blank for the rest of the day. She is mother/wife material, but she is definitely not friend material if you know what I mean. She knows how to take care of her responsibilities as a mother and a wife, but doesn’t know what it means to be a friend, or at least she is not even trying to be a friend with me. I don’t want someone who is only marrying me cause her parents told her to. I don’t want to marry someone who doesn’t want to open up to me nor care about how I feel. I want to have a good friendship with my wife, to be able to tell her anything, to share in burdens together. She definitely doesn’t seem that type as of rn. But things could change over the years, after all, we are still technically teenagers. She could become a mature woman in the next 5 years. But I would really prefer not having to wear clown makeup.

Paradoxy