Dear Tee,

“According to them, you should be grateful they didn’t leave you to starve, after choosing to have you. How kind and loving of them indeed.” Yea lol they told me that years ago when I told the neighbor about how I was treated and they suggested that I call social security.

“I remember you talking about their “love”. Unfortunately, that wasn’t love, but they’ve brainwashed you to believe it was.” Keep in mind that this is just how I feel treated, not that they actually said it to brainwash me. This love is similar to the love my parents have for each other. They constantly fight and never have any intimate moments or anything, but they know their roles as husband and wife and parent and so they choose to work things out for the sake of the greater good. My father and I are same on the fact that we never forget the times when we were hurt, especially by those close to us, and that is exactly what he feels toward my mother cause she has humiliated him multiple times and my mother doesn’t like apologizing so she never will. But technically speaking they still spiritually love each other. But this kind of life is not what I aspire for which is why I am trying my best to find a wife before they decide to marry me off to some stranger who is also doing what their parents told them to. I want a real bond, not a spiritual bond or a bond of responsibilities or a bond for the greater good.

“Yes, I understand. I didn’t even mean that they would expect you to pay them back financially, but by being obedient to them and doing whatever they require you to do.” Yeah that is more accurate. In my father’s words, he said that I should at least consider their opinion when deciding things cause it is the least I can do as a form of respect to them as my parent. In one way, thinking about their opinion does help me make some good choices but it is still a mental prison. They were right about B after all… I don’t want to make another mistake again.

“They’ve intimidated you into obedience by telling you that they want what’s best for you. While severely emotionally abusing  you and clipping your wings in the process.” The closest scenario to depict my situation is that of a balloon filled with helium, always held down by someone and when college came, the length of the balloon thread was extended, but still held down by someone. If that person had chosen to let the balloon fly, the balloon would have soared too high and popped due to the atmospheric pressure and heat. So in a way, having someone to hold me down keeps me from going too far into the wrong side, but it still is a mental prison.

“Well, you can start distancing yourself from their opinion if you realize they were/are toxic people who didn’t know how to raise a healthy child. That they don’t know what true love is. And that they don’t know what’s best for you.” They may be toxic but that doesn’t make them stupid or unwise. Poor parenting doesn’t mean they don’t have wisdom. They were still able to shape me into someone good morality-wise even with the suffering. I am still grateful for that. And my father has taught me about certain politics that people incorporate but it doesn’t really apply to my generation but it is still good to know. He also taught me self-observation and psychological analysis to read into the person better. I’m not as good as him in reading people but I am still grateful for the wisdom cause I can still apply it to my life. Besides, they were right about B, so don’t u think I should still consider their opinion cause they could be right again? I forgive them for being poor parents, after all I am their first child (the second one received too much love and became a spoilt brat lol cause they got whatever they wanted lol, just goes to show the difference between too much love and too less love).

“I guess you can only turn to them if there is a financial/logistical/health problem. Any other problem is for them a non-issue. Emotional problem – God forbid. Your father tells you you are stupid for “whining” about some “non-issues”.” Well maybe he has changed from the way he was before but I am not willing to test the waters again.

“Your parents are and have been abusive. It doesn’t matter if they don’t understand how they are abusing you. What matters is that it is affecting you and has shaped your personality and your self-image as well. You have a very negative self-image, due to being raised by the people who are insensitive and lacking empathy.” Like I said, it is not like they received training to be a good parent. I am the first child in the entire family, oldest among all my cousins. Though they cherished me as a baby because I was the first, they don’t know how to cherish a teenager and their issues. Besides, my sister is a prime example of me being grateful for how I was treated, cause I definitely do not want to be a spoiled brat like she is. She gets whatever she wants, doesn’t matter if she failed her exams or anything, refuses to study and she even physically fights with my parents and is completely disobedient. Yeah, I am definitely glad I turned out this way even if it meant suffering more cause I would hate to have become like her. I may be depressed, I may be in pain and I may be suffering a lot, but I cannot deny the fact that all of this treatment shaped me to be a better man than most of my peers morality-wise. My peers may be happier than me and enjoying life and etc, but I am definitely glad I am not doing their foolishness, like smoking weed, drinking alcohol and sleeping with a bunch of woman and etc. In a way, the emotional suffering they put me through has forced me to be the most mature for my age among all my cousins so I am definitely grateful for that as well. The suffering also taught me to care for others more deeply, even though all of them just take advantage of my love and care anyway. The girl that my father made me talk to has completely rejected my friendship, now I have to worry about what I’m going to tell my father. Sigh.

Sometimes I find myself crying silently as I watch others receive the love I wish I received. The song girl’s dad post pictures of his family and they are always so happy or at least appear to be happy. May be that is why I became infatuated with her? Or maybe it is just one of the reasons. Idk anymore. I have come to accept that no one will love me for who I am; to love me for my awkwardness and my cringe and my flaws etc. It will just be taken advantage of or looked at in disgust.

“They’ve intimidated you and manipulated you to into believing that their wishes are your own wishes. That they know what’s best for you, and you don’t.” Technically speaking, they were right about B, so…. they did know what was best for me….

“So my suggestion, or my assumption, is that your father might be narcissistic.” Not sure if I can call him a narcissist but he definitely fits some of the characteristics, especially his stubbornness and refusal to admit when he is wrong and some of the other characteristics u listed. He doesn’t expect perfection but he still has a level of standard that he believes that we should achieve. But does the negatives outweigh the positives of such behavior? He is still one of the respected men at his work and among our communities because they know they can rely on him to get a job done and that he is loyal and won’t do illogical things and etc. He is just poor when handling things that require emotional understanding.

“I understand you are tired – that your soul is tired – after having been raised like that. But things can change, although it won’t be easy. But still, there is a way out…” Whenever I feel broken I tell myself that everything will be okay even though I know I don’t actually believe it. I don’t have any motivation or anything to look towards to. I just feel stranded in an empty void in space, unable to move around. Even my music sounds pathetic to me. I look at the songs up-and-coming artists have published and compare them with the songs I published and wonder what was the point of it all…. maybe my father was right about music too….

Paradoxy