Dear Tee,

“In this latest post you are claiming that your father is trying to give you real love (my father is trying to give real love), when everything you’ve described here, over more than 3 months, is suggesting that he was and is severely abusing you and controlling you.” Everything he has been doing is abusive and controlling, but I can see that he is still trying to do the right thing. He may be handling things wrong, but his goal is to help me, for my benefit. I still have to acknowledge that. Just like the girl he made me talk to. I can tell that she is trying to communicate how she is feeling but she keeps changing her mind cause she regrets opening up so she is bad at communicating, but I have to acknowledge that she still tried. It is like a serial killer who murders people, but his targets are child molestors and other criminals, so technically, killing people is wrong, but he is also getting rid of criminals and saving potential victims so should we approve what he is doing or call him out for doing the killing? It is like that hacker guy who wanted to take down the whole porn industry but he realized that porn also decreases the amount of rape so he targetted child pornography websites instead. Technically, hacking websites and destroying them is wrong, but I still consider him a legend because his ultimate goal is justifiable.

“And you are repeating your parents’ toxic words, identifying with them, loathing yourself for not being able to please those “loving” parents.” I go over all the conversations with my “friends” and my parents and others multiple times and I feel like I could have handled situations better than I did, and it makes me feel like maybe I am the problem after all. These persons have all driven me to anger because they don’t understand that I care for them. The Hurricane is headed for Jamaica and my parents made the last minute decision to make me come back home as part of the evacuation group. I had to deal with a whole legal mess cause of it and I feel like I was better off if I stayed. But even now, I feel like I should have stayed behind, stayed to help out with the aftermath of the hurricane. I expressed that feeling to my mother and she didn’t understand a thing about how I felt. I know that none of my “friends” can be trusted and I know that they will never care for me, but that doesn’t change who I am. I would still care for their safety and their well being because that is my nature, that is just who I am. I get very irritated when they need help and I can’t do anything. But my mother doesn’t understand that. She started lecturing me about how I should be grateful that she managed to get me out of Jamaica before the Hurricane hit. THAT IS NOT THE POINT BRUH. I am grateful for them protecting me that doesn’t change how I feel. That doesn’t change the fact that I still wanted to protect those I cared for. I am not being ungrateful. It is just my nature to be caring.

“You said your father is trying to give you real love. Has he given you any of the above” In his own way, he shows some of the attributes. He cares enough to ask about my issues, but once I tell him my issues he just treats it like I am just being an idiot. He has forgiven me for the times I failed him, but that doesn’t change the fact that he still views me like a fool. Cause he doesn’t get it. Just like how my mother doesn’t understand that I am not being ungrateful, I just naturally care for people, especially those close to me (even though I know they will only take advantage of my caring). It is one of the reasons why I chose med.

“Your parents are united in totally controlling you? Is that what you’re saying?” Yes basically, but because their goal is for me to have a “good future” but the definition of a good future is based on them instead of me. They think they know best cause they are older, more experienced, and they view me as immature.

“Meaning that even though you tried to portray B as better than she is, your parents stuck to their prejudice and gave their quick judgment that she is a whore. Nice. Which also means that no matter how good and hard working a person may be, if she is of the wrong skin color – forget about it, they’re not buying it. Which btw means that B was right when she called your parents racist.” Well it is not just based on skin color, because they will do the same prejudice against Indians as well if they were brought up in this certain life style. They had the same opinion with the song girl, who happens to be an Indian that grew up in Trinidad/Jamaica. They haven’t categorized her as a whore but they do accept the possibility that she COULD HAVE slept around and that I should stay away from her romantically cause her lifestyle would be different from the lifestyle my parents prefer. Besides, like I told u before, they are only familiar with the people around them, and they rarely find any Caribbean person who has not done immoral things. Most of the people they know have slept around or are involved in some kind of immoral drama, so they naturally develop a stereotype for them and attribute their behavior as part of that person’s culture.

“Okay, so he is harsh and lacking empathy with everyone. And people understood he cannot be reasoned with, because he is so stubborn, so they stopped even trying. You think it’s because he is right about things, but it’s more likely that they don’t want to argue with someone who is so stubborn and refuses to understand a different point of view.” No wrong again. He lacks empathy for me, he doesn’t lack empathy for the others (the adults mainly). And he is just not stubborn for no reason. He is stubborn cause he is right. For example, there was a time when a guy’s son was killed in a car accident and the family was grieving. Sometime later, the community here was hosting a party and the community board decided to do a tribute to the man’s dead son and my dad pointed out how stupid and disrespectful it is cause the man and his family is in the middle of their grieving and they want to give a tribute to the dead son and use it as part of their hidden politics? Cause you have to understand that this community doesn’t even know the kid, what kind of tribute are they even going to do? The last time they did a tribute it was a whole mess cause of who pointless and stupidly done it was. The man and his family would still be suffering from their loss and they want to remind them again of the loss of their child in the middle of a party and ruin the mood? Another example is that another guy falsely accused my mother of revealing his secrets but my father was able to figure out the accusation was based on manipulation and false information cause my mother never did anything that she was accused of. My dad traced back to the root of the accusation and asked the people involved and proved to the guy that he was making assumptions based on misunderstandings caused by his own wife, and made him apologize for his false accusations. Another time, my dad used to be the treasurer of the community and he was responsible for handling the money affairs as well as another guy and both of them were accused of stealing community money but he was able to prove to them that the person who was actually taking the money from the treasury was a third guy, who just so happened to be the one who started the accusation in the first place. My father stepped down as the treasurer cause he doesn’t want to get involved in the community politics after that incident. Basically nobody challenges my father because he knows what is right and what is wrong and will not participate in any corrupt activities or get himself involved in the politics of manipulation like the other men. That is why he was chosen to be the treasurer and others trust him enough to leave their business and etc in his hands cause they know he can be trusted and won’t do anything illogical or wrong. There is a reason why people call on him whenever something goes wrong. If he was stubborn in the way u assumed him to be, no one would want to deal with him but instead everyone calls on him whenever they need help, especially for emergencies. They could have called on anyone else especially since the community is very large, but out of all the people they could have relied on, they chose my dad. If people viewed him as someone who is stubborn and refuses to see a different point of view, no one would ask for his help cause they wouldn’t want to deal with his stubborn self.

I am the way I am cause of my father, both the good and the bad. My father is the one who taught me to be caring and loving, even though I never got it from him. If it weren’t for him, I would just be some immoral idiot like my “friends” but instead I am known for my honesty and care, and even taken advantage of cause of that nature. These idiots know that no matter how many times they hurt me, it won’t change the fact that I still care. That is my stupid weakness. B knows that no matter how much she hurts me, I would still worry about her safety and etc. Not cause I have feelings for her, but because I care for her as an individual. That is why she was insulting me all day yesterday while I was dealing with the whole hurricane mess but she knows that her insults won’t stop me from checking up on her safety. My guy friend knows that I would still come to his aid whenever he needs me whether he is sick or needs money or food etc. That is why my so-called “friend group” relies on me as the guy who comes with the clutch. I am the one who got them food and drinks on the nights that they didn’t have food and they still owe me money bruh and they have promised to return it. I know they are probably taking advantage of me but that doesn’t change my nature to still care for them. I keep a record of what they owe me but I help them without expecting anything in return. I definitely know that they won’t help me if I were to be starving but that won’t change who I am.

“The first person who needs to do that – accept you for your flaws and awkwardness – is yourself. So that entire paragraph of self-loathing that I quoted above (starting with “I am just an embarrassment to my parents“) would need to go. If you want to find true love.” I have accepted my flaws, but society won’t. Cause society still requires a certain level of maturity, which I still lack. That is why I hate my flaws because these flaws prevent me from being seen as a reliable guy by those who don’t know me. That is why I always get picked last for group projects and stuff. That is why those who don’t know me view me as useless. And I hate that.

My parents made me join an evacuation group to return to their country but there were some legal issues regarding it cause I am not technically part of their country cause the stupid government is still processing my application for several years now. If I could have chosen my own decisions, I would have stayed behind to help out with the aftermath of the hurricane and to be there for those who need me, but unfortunately that is no longer in my control cause of my parents. Yes I am glad they got me out of danger but that won’t stop me from being worried for those still in Jamaica. Besides I have to deal with my parents’ control anyway and it is harder to endure them when I am in their house than when I am in my dorm room.

Paradoxy