Dear Clara:

You are always welcome. “do you mean due to her compartmentalization, objectively she should be having a less ‘tough’ time, but then she already is feeling it ‘very tough’ since she  mostly compartmentalize, and that what is happening is already ‘ too much’ for her?“- no, I didn’t mean that. I meant that due to her compartmentalization she is having way less of a (subjective) tough time than you do. I think that in regard to her, you compartmentalize very little, or rarely, and that’s why you have been having much more of a tough time than she has. I think that this is true for the entirety of the break and after.

That a person compartmentalizes as a defense mechanism against stress (tough time), that’s true. I imagine that before she habitually compartmentalized, she experienced intense stress/ tough time (like you experience it). But that was before she met you.  Throughout the break and since the break, seems to me, her defense mechanism worked very well for her: if she had even close to as much of a tough time as you have had, she would have reached out to you (early) during the break and initiate a talk about the possibility of getting back together, she wouldn’t have the state of mind to enjoy time with her friends, and she wouldn’t be late to pick up her things because of spending a night out with her friends.

In regard to my input (“Clara mental box is of a lower priority (at least since the break, if not before) than her friends mental box and her business mental box“,  you responded: “I think this is true also. I think before the break up  it was true as well.. She treated me more like a duty than act out of love indeed“-

– like a duty, a bit robotically, operating by logic, not by emotions.. Her (stronger) emotions repressed (subconsciously/ unintentionally pushed down), or suppressed (consciously, intentionally pushed down) is what I figure.

“I think throughout the relationship, she compartmentalize things. there were times when she was upset or not happy about things/ me/ others. She would put it away and just do whatever the situations require… She called this ‘let the feelings just go’… This happened to her work also, she did what the situations required, and until a point where she felt burn out and needed to leave the company. She left this current company and took a few months break two years ago, because she ‘burned out’. ‘burned out’ is the word she used, to describe our relationship too. She was too tired to try anymore“-

– she lets the feelings just go under (suppresses them), does what the situation requires, like a duty (above), robotically, but she is still human (not a robot), so her repressed/ suppressed emotions eventually rise up to her awareness and overwhelm her enough to quit (a job, a partner). She then rests and resume effective compartmentalization.

“She said I didn’t need to do too much in the relationship, as in no need to be so deliberate and buy gifts/ celebrate too elaborate on occasion..“- I don’t think that she lost feelings for you because you didn’t buy her gifts and go celebrating.

“Or may be, she just unconsciously want this to slip away?“- she felt burned out in the relationship => she quit.

“She decided on a breakup, but she seemed to be devastated by the fact that she needed to move out.. as if she did not know breaking up =… she needed to move out from the house“- she was too burned out to think ahead (about moving out). Like you shared above, after she quit her job, she took a break (didn’t look for another job). Similarly, she quit you and took a break, in your house (not looking for another place to live).

“I used to be the one who shared her emotions and gave her a lot insights on herself and on the situations (she said she valued how I help her analyze the work dynamic and emotions/ feelings which is one of my strength indeed)“- your insight couldn’t have changed her lifetime habit (by now) of suppressing emotions=> emotions erupt=> burnout=> she quits and rests (not planning ahead).

“After yesterday, I did ask my friends and I did think if I managed anything wrongly… she just goes with the flow, and now obviously she is someone who does not prioritize me as well“- (1) I don’t think that you were wrong, in any way, shape, or form, to ask her to move out ASAP of your own house, after she broke up with you, (2) seems to me that going with the flow, for her, means something like this: suppressing emotions=> emotions erupt=> burnout=> quitting and resting=> repeat.

“My second therapy session tonight, I will see if my therapist has any insight and see if she can help me deal with my frustration better“- how did it go?

anita