Dear Clara:

You are welcome! “How ironic it is that I seemed to have found some of her patterns, that she didn’t even realize, AFTER we break up“- it doesn’t surprise me that you are getting to know her better after the breakup because you were not exposed to her behaviors after breaking up with you.. before she actually did.

“I am very used to putting the blame on myself when things go  wrong, I guess that’s where I doubted if I was wrong… it seems asking her to move out ASAP is the best, for the both of us actually. It is important to hold her responsible for what she has chosen”– absolutely! You did nothing wrong when you asked her to move out ASAP. It was the right thing to do.

“The therapy went very well… I was able to find a moment which I was hugged by my mother when there was one time I was very upset, probably at 8 or 9 years old. I sat on that image, and my therapist said that was the moment when I was securely attached… I have tears in my eyes just recalling this, and I do feel a sense of warmth coming up from my chest now“- a moment of secure attachment 3 decades ago brings tears to your eyes today.. this is how precious secure attachment (the feeling of safety) is. One can rest in such a memory.

“Last week… I hugged this stuffed animal and I felt I was hugging my inner child, in my imaginary exercise, I hugged my little child“- hug the 8 or 9 years-old Clara, prolong that memorable hug.

“My therapist also said, I am used to caring for others, at times like this, I should also be taken care by others, like a carefree dinner with my friends“- I very much like your therapist’s input.

“I realized the lifegoal of my ex and myself are different also. She is still exploring and experimenting life, while I am very ready, and may be wanting to have a home/ even family of my own“- she is exploring and experimenting, but repeating a pattern that keeps her the same. You are ready for something different, for a change in yourself and in your experience of life in the context of a romantic relationship: this is exciting!

“I felt more secure, and my heart is definitely clearer after today’s session.“- good thing. Whenever you need to, re-read this sentence, this whole post you just submitted. And please post again anytime you fee like it.

anita