Dear Clara:

Life has been treating me busy, thank you for asking. And you are welcome!

“she didn’t think through the breakup seriously and things just seem sloppy“- she decided to break up with you and after telling you about her decision, she expected you to leave your flat, not planning on moving out herself: that’s an astounding level of sloppy-no-thinking-through.

In relationship terms, she thinks ahead too little, and you: too much.

“There were times I found myself checking her on social media… I know there is no other way than to not (be) contacting or stalking her.. in the beginning of this week, I felt I missed her a lot and really wanted to reconnect, possibly because I knew she was back from her business trip and is back. I guess its a phase but sometime I do struggle“- the struggles of the heart, struggles of an attachment dissolving.  The attachment to her is a habit, and it is difficult to break habits.

You are in the habit of having contact with her, so you want more. She returns from a business trip, and as is your (emotional) habit, you get excited about her return, and you look forward to connecting with her. The breakup info didn’t interrupt these habit yet.

From health line/ the science of habit: “Here’s how the habit loop works: 1. Cue. You experience a stimulus — a trigger. It could be being in a certain location, smelling a certain smell, seeing a certain person, or feeling a particular emotional state, among many other possibilities. 2. Craving. The stimulus causes you to desire a particular outcome that you find rewarding. It motivates you to act. 3. Response. You engage in behaviors, thoughts, or actions you take to get that outcome. 4. Reward. The outcome occurs and you feel a sense of reward as a result, satisfying your craving. The pleasure or relief you experience reinforces the cue, making the cue even better at triggering craving next time. That’s why it’s an endless loop”-

Her belongings left behind, the pillow she left on your bed have been Cues; her return from a business trip, another cue. These cues lead to a Craving to contact her, leading to Responses: stalking her on social media, sending her a birthday gift after the breakup.. fits, doesn’t it?

“I am constantly finding myself trying to move on, and wanting to connect with her“- to move on, you’d need to break the habit of having her in your life as a partner: (1) to remove all her things (cues) that are still in your flat, making your flat cue-free, and (2) to break the habit of checking on her social media activity (which provide you with more cues).

Back to the article I quoted from: “Whether you’re trying to build a new positive habit or shake an old habit you don’t like, patience is vital… Be kind to yourself as you try to break a pattern. Falling back into a habit doesn’t mean you’ve failed… Consistency will come with practice, and so will success”. End of quote.

Wishing you patience and kindness toward yourself!

anita