Dear Clara:

“it seems to me that I am anxious attachment, and she is avoidance“- yes, it seems like this to me too. I think that she avoids emotional closeness with a partner, and she avoids emotional honesty within herself. It is now my impression that she avoids confronting the truth in regard to how she feels, and therefore, she shares little or nothing about what she truly feels.

“She is trying all her ways to break away from me, ‘I don’t like you anymore’, ‘I have no feelings for you’, while we stayed under the same roof for 4 good years, and dated for 5 years. This is cruel, not to say she choose not to work on it but walk away“- like a kid in the playground, angry: I don’t like you anymore! I don’t want to play with you anymore! And walks away (or in her case, she told you to walk away: to stay elsewhere while she stays in your flat post-breakup).

“She is engulfed in her own wants, that she forgets that I have spent a good 5 years taking care of her needs, may not be perfect all the time, but I truly tried my best“- a touch of selfishness.

“I also feel she has taken my care for granted, which made her think she could just stay in the flat, for an unknown period of time, without thinking to leave in the first place. She assumed I would give her the space, thus no backup plan whatsoever… she was hurt by the words that I said, but not thinking about why she got those words (I still think I shouldn’t call her idiot so that’s on me)“- self-centered with a touch of selfishness.

“Sigh, it suddenly occurred to me that I really did not see this person so well, may be I was blinded by the closeness as well.“-  let’s look at what you shared almost 6 years ago.

Oct 7, 2018: “recently got quite close with a person, we have been talking mainly on texts for a few months, and we have gone out a few times until she disclosed at some point (I would say with ambiguity at first) that she had girlfriend… I was quite shocked with that just because with our everyday conversation, she had never disclosed that she had a girlfriend… She, accordingly to her, was in a pretty distanced relationship with her partner… Anyways after hearing what she explained, I find myself baffled. It seems to make sense but not making much sense“- ambiguity, emotional dishonesty (within herself) and interpersonal dishonesty (with you). I think that you were baffled by her explanation following the disclosure because it was not a completely honest explanation.

On the next day, Oct 8, 2018, I wrote to you: “In my mind, her behavior is not a deal breaker…  I understand people are afraid, uncomfortable, at times selfish and unaware, and her misleading you was not well thought of and therefore it was not devious. I would say, get to know her more as a friend… Is this friendship worth it, worth enduring your distress? Maybe yes, maybe not. I think that you will soon find out. I hope to read more from you about this friendship“- as you can see, I brought up the word selfish in regard to her almost 6 years ago. I wrote that her misleading you was not devious: I guess not, but it was selfish nonetheless. She should have told you early on, and clearly, in a straight-forward way (not with ambiguity) that she had a girlfriend.  She wasn’t fair to you back then, in the beginning.

From psychology today/ the cost and benefits of emotional honesty (having her in mind): “The process requires not only a desire to be aware of and in touch with our emotions and perceptions, but a willingness to reveal and share what we are experiencing with others whom we trust to accept and honor our inner truth without judgment… Connecting to ourselves on a feeling level is, for many of us, much easier said than done, but with practice, we can learn the language of emotions…

“Living an inauthentic life also denies us the possibility of ever feeling truly loved for who we are, and consequently we inevitably find ourselves caught in a relentless quest for love that can never be satisfied or sustained. How can I trust that anyone really loves me when I haven’t shown them who I really am? So, when my partner tells me that he or she loves me, that little voice in the back of my mind says, ‘you love who you THINK I am. But if you really knew who I was, you wouldn’t love me,’…

“It’s only when we both reveal ourselves fully that the deepest, purest, most soul-nourishing love can be exchanged. The remedy for coming back to engage more fully is to first be in touch with what we are feeling and then to express, rather than repress, connect rather than protect, and reveal rather than conceal”.

Does this fit?

anita