Hi Anita and Helcat

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Helcat, I had therapy last year and then having therapy at the moment again to support me through this difficult time.

My identity has been shaken. One of the things he did was pick apart who I was and the parts of me that I think are special, he said where “the brand”. He said I needed to stop lying all the time about who I am and about being good at things. My self confidence was treated as something to be shamed for.

I’m a dancer and perform on stage and I have to have that belief in myself and my capabilities otherwise stage fright takes over. I’ve done a solo performance recently. Contemporary dance that ties in the emotions of the stages of grief and I’ve been so proud of what I’ve achieved.

Then his voice crept into the back of my head. Stop lying about being good at things. I’ve been asked to create a new routine and perform another show. And I’ve got the fear that I am merely “the brand”.

My therapy at the moment is focusing on switching the narrative away from the things this awful man said to me and instead focusing on my self confidence.

Anita, thank you for your words. I’ve written my story as I can remember it, my words were unedited, free flowing from my mind.

Your words have validated me. For so long I’ve been treated like I’ve been making a fuss over nothing. My instincts were to stay away but I was told otherwise by people who had not witnessed what I had.

You’re absolutely right, he was a monster from the start. He had an agenda when he took me to his apartment. My safety or comfort was not a priority.

The two versions of my life: the one where I feel grey, controlled, attacked. Or the one where I am surrounded by people I love and who love me back, in a supportive and warm environment.

I’ve been upset today. It’s hard sometimes with my new boyfriend because his kind words and support can be jarring and can catch me off guard. Then when I think humans can be so nice so why are there humans who can be so cruel?

Change the narrative, I found the strength to stand up for myself and I’ve moved forward to a better life. I don’t feel scared anymore. I don’t feel anxious. From time to time, I feel sad like today about what has happened to me. Eventually, that will be a distant memory.

Thank you for being here.

Sammie