Dear Liz:

You are very welcome.  “I felt so seen when I read this“- you need to continue to be seen: to see deeper within you and to be seen by others.

“I have a lot of trauma, that I am healing from, so it definitely ties into that. I feel like my inner child is anxious and scared that something will go wrong.“- the child part of Liz has been (emotionally) injured and hurt. Sometimes she feels better, sometimes worse. When she feels better, she’s afraid something will go wrong, doesn’t she?

This is how I felt when I was feeling better, that something bad is about to happen. Because bad things did happen when I was feeling good, trusting and care free. I don’t remember ever feeling trusting and care-free, but I am sure at one point, early on, I did. And what a surprise, a shockingly unpleasant surprise, it was when something bad happened that I didn’t expect: someone I fully trusted turning against me, and viciously. So, I learned to expect bad things to happen so to not be shockingly surprised when they happen.

Back to you, re-reading your original post, good things have been happening in the last 10 months: “It is the most healthiest relationship I have ever been him and I love him very dearly. When we first got together, how he treated me was incredibly alien to me (all previous relationships were incredibly toxic and I never felt wanted, dealt with a lot of rejection)… I had never been treated so well before, and he now is honestly my home and my safe space“-

– good things indeed. But the child within (inner child) doesn’t trust good things to last. She is anxious and scared that something will go wrong. Thing is, the traumatized inner child does not know past from future or present. Everything is NOW. Children don’t have the sense of time that adults do. The adult part of you knows that the event happened in the past, but the child part of you does not distinguish past from present.

The event: “when me and my partner were in the early stages (10 days into our relationship). I was out, and incredibly intoxicated. A past person that I dated (it was never serious) was at the same place as me and he flirted, and I kind of reciprocated at the time. I also put my hand on his leg… He then gave me a lift back to my place, he dropped me off and I got out of the car“- one isolated event TEN MONTHS AGO, intoxicated flirting that culminated in you placing your hand on his leg.

Your emotional response ten months later: “I am deeply filled with regret, as I love my current partner so much. I will never ever ever do it again“- this is your inner child saying, begging perhaps: I am sorry, please forgive me, please don’t punish me! I will never, ever, ever do it again!  Reads to me that she is afraid to be punished, once again, for something bad that she’s supposedly done.

“one (intrusive thought) has decided to latch on to a past mistake I made when me and my partner were in the early stages…“- your inner child is hyper alert to any possible mistakes she has made that will be followed by punishment. When you were a child, you were severely punished for small or non-mistakes?

I was, and I figured I’m a bad person for making such horrible mistakes that match the severity of the punishment. My OCD- brain kept scanning for mistakes I made, so to prepare for punishment= for bad things to happen.

“I don’t think telling him would help the situation, it may provide me relief by being honest, but I feel like it will only make him feel worse“- I agree.

“I just need some advice and guidance on how to let go. I know this was in the past and was in the early stages of our relationship. I also know I have grown into a different person now… I just would love to live in the moment and focus on the future of my relationship with him, instead of being filled with regret“- the adult part of you knows it was in the past, but whenever the inner child is obsessing, she is living in the traumatic past=present.

To let go of the obsessions, of the trouble within, your inner child needs more of this: “I felt so seen“: she needs to be seen more, to be seen and approved of, to be treated with empathy and patience, to not be punished again (by you or others). She needs you to take her side al the way. This is what worked for me, and what keeps working.

Please let me know what you think of what I wrote here.

anita