Home→Forums→Relationships→Regretting a Past Mistake
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September 9, 2024 at 9:30 am #437142LizParticipant
Hello,
I just wanted to make a post as I am struggling to let go of something that happened in the past. I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months. It is the most healthiest relationship I have ever been him and I love him very dearly. When we first got together, how he treated me was incredibly alien to me (all previous relationships were incredibly toxic and I never felt wanted, dealt with a lot of rejection). So admittedly, when we first got together I was just going with the flow seeing where the wind lead me, and I am so glad I decided to persevere and go through that. For context, we moved very quickly. Dated for less than a month and officially got together after that. I had never been treated so well before, and he now is honestly my home and my safe space. I have had a very tough year and I wouldn’t have been able to get through it without him.
I also have depression, anxiety and OCD, where I struggle with a lot of intrusive thoughts on a daily basis especially about my relationship, and one has decided to latch on to a past mistake I made when me and my partner were in the early stages (10 days into our relationship). I was out, and incredibly intoxicated. A past person that I dated (it was never serious) was at the same place as me and he flirted, and I kind of reciprocated at the time. I also put my hand on his leg (I honestly don’t know what I was thinking). He then gave me a lift back to my place, he dropped me off and I got out of the car. Nothing physical happened but I know I over stepped a boundary. Even typing it makes me feel awful. I was so drunk I now look back and feel stupid for ever doing that. I am deeply filled with regret, as I love my current partner so much. I will never ever ever do it again. Previously I was a person that deeply craved validation from others, and I feel like I have done a lot of healing since then where I know I don’t require that type of attention anymore.
I would never dream about doing it to him now as I know it would hurt him. I just need some advice and guidance on how to let go. I know this was in the past and was in the early stages of our relationship. I also know I have grown into a different person now. I don’t think telling him would help the situation, it may provide me relief by being honest, but I feel like it will only make him feel worse. I also don’t want to create issues when I know I won’t do it again
All I know is that I am never ever ever going to do that again and it’s something I deeply regret on a daily basis. I just would love to live in the moment and focus on the future of my relationship with him, instead of being filled with regret.
Thank you
September 9, 2024 at 9:45 am #437942HelcatParticipantHi Liz
Well it doesn’t sound like anything of importance happened.
Perhaps one reason it matters to you is because you love your partner so much? So try reframing it from omg I’m a terrible person, to holy crap I love him so much, nothing even happened and I feel guilty about it because I’m so protective of him and our relationship.
With intrusive thoughts, the more importance you give it, the more likely it is to reoccur, so you need to stay calm when it does occur and treat the thought like it is not a big deal.
What is a big deal would be if you had sex. You did not even kiss. Try not to worry about it so much.
Do you maybe feel like you’re not worthy of such an amazing relationship? Perhaps this is really where the intrusive thought is coming from?
You deserve to be treat well. You deserve love! You always have!
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
September 9, 2024 at 10:32 am #437945anitaParticipantDear Liz:
I communicated with a member in these forums, one who suffered from the same intrusive thought following exactly the incident that you described, including placing her hand on his leg. If I remember correctly, it was a long thread where I submitted many posts, and shared about my own OCD. Was that you?
If it is, welcome back to the forums! Please let me know what of my suggestions in the old thread helped (for a little while at least), and what did not help, and we can communicate further. Perhaps you can point me to that thread, for re-reading?
If it is not you, if you are new to the forums: welcome! Please let me know if you are new, and we can communicate further, if you would like.
anita
September 11, 2024 at 3:51 am #438020LizParticipantHi Anita,
No it wasn’t me, I am new here 😊
Thank you for your advice. That would be great. My OCD makes things feel a lot more detrimental than what they actually are.
September 11, 2024 at 3:52 am #438021LizParticipantHey 🙂
Thank you, this has really helped 🙂
September 11, 2024 at 8:40 am #438031anitaParticipantDear Liz:
You are welcome “he now is honestly my home and my safe space… I also have depression, anxiety and OCD, where I struggle with a lot of intrusive thoughts on a daily basis especially about my relationship… 10 days into our relationship… (an ex) flirted, and I kind of reciprocated at the time. I also put my hand on his leg… I am deeply filled with regret... My OCD makes things feel a lot more detrimental than what they actually are“-
– Your boyfriend is now your safe place, and that is wonderful, but I am guessing that like me, you didn’t grow up in a safe place, a safe home. As a result, you’ve suffered depression, anxiety and OCD, like me.
When you grow up scared on an ongoing basis (not all the time, but.. too often), the fear does things to the brain, it unsettles the brain, it makes it jittery. The jittery brain is looking for signs of the next danger. An example of what a child perceives as danger: parents yelling at each other, fighting.
When the child hears her parents talking, and then one of them gets a bit loud, the child’s brain hears.. not a bit loud, but a lot loud, and gets scared that a fight is about to occur. Next, the child either hides, or does something the child to prevent a fight. For example, the child will run to the louder parent and say I love you! Or something like that, so to distract and calm the louder parent and.. prevent a fight.
Fast forward, the scared, anxious child is now an adult (Liz) and has a wonderful boyfriend, but she feels that still, as always, something is wrong, and she is looking for signs of danger, signs that something bad is about to happen (a breakup, I am guessing), and the sign you found is the memory of you kind- of flirting back with a guy very early on in the relationship.
Objectively there is no danger in what happened (unless you tell your boyfriend and he responds unreasonably) and it’s a memory of nothing much, but subjectively it feels more detrimental than (it is). Just as in my example, when one parent’s voice gets a bit louder, in the anxious child’s brain, it sounds way louder than it is.
I remember that growing up, in moments when I noticed that I was feeling unusually good/ safe, I got alarmed, as in thinking: oh, oh, I forgot for a moment that something is wrong, that something bad is about to happen, and I am not prepared!
I would like to read if you relate to what I shared here and to what extent, before I continue.
anita
September 12, 2024 at 7:12 am #438057LizParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you so much, I felt so seen when I read this. I have a lot of trauma, that I am healing from, so it definitely ties into that. I feel like my inner child is anxious and scared that something will go wrong.
September 12, 2024 at 7:52 am #438062anitaParticipantDear Liz: I will be away from the computer for a few hours and reply when I am back.
anita
September 12, 2024 at 9:58 am #438065anitaParticipantDear Liz:
You are very welcome. “I felt so seen when I read this“- you need to continue to be seen: to see deeper within you and to be seen by others.
“I have a lot of trauma, that I am healing from, so it definitely ties into that. I feel like my inner child is anxious and scared that something will go wrong.“- the child part of Liz has been (emotionally) injured and hurt. Sometimes she feels better, sometimes worse. When she feels better, she’s afraid something will go wrong, doesn’t she?
This is how I felt when I was feeling better, that something bad is about to happen. Because bad things did happen when I was feeling good, trusting and care free. I don’t remember ever feeling trusting and care-free, but I am sure at one point, early on, I did. And what a surprise, a shockingly unpleasant surprise, it was when something bad happened that I didn’t expect: someone I fully trusted turning against me, and viciously. So, I learned to expect bad things to happen so to not be shockingly surprised when they happen.
Back to you, re-reading your original post, good things have been happening in the last 10 months: “It is the most healthiest relationship I have ever been him and I love him very dearly. When we first got together, how he treated me was incredibly alien to me (all previous relationships were incredibly toxic and I never felt wanted, dealt with a lot of rejection)… I had never been treated so well before, and he now is honestly my home and my safe space“-
– good things indeed. But the child within (inner child) doesn’t trust good things to last. She is anxious and scared that something will go wrong. Thing is, the traumatized inner child does not know past from future or present. Everything is NOW. Children don’t have the sense of time that adults do. The adult part of you knows that the event happened in the past, but the child part of you does not distinguish past from present.
The event: “when me and my partner were in the early stages (10 days into our relationship). I was out, and incredibly intoxicated. A past person that I dated (it was never serious) was at the same place as me and he flirted, and I kind of reciprocated at the time. I also put my hand on his leg… He then gave me a lift back to my place, he dropped me off and I got out of the car“- one isolated event TEN MONTHS AGO, intoxicated flirting that culminated in you placing your hand on his leg.
Your emotional response ten months later: “I am deeply filled with regret, as I love my current partner so much. I will never ever ever do it again“- this is your inner child saying, begging perhaps: I am sorry, please forgive me, please don’t punish me! I will never, ever, ever do it again! Reads to me that she is afraid to be punished, once again, for something bad that she’s supposedly done.
“one (intrusive thought) has decided to latch on to a past mistake I made when me and my partner were in the early stages…“- your inner child is hyper alert to any possible mistakes she has made that will be followed by punishment. When you were a child, you were severely punished for small or non-mistakes?
I was, and I figured I’m a bad person for making such horrible mistakes that match the severity of the punishment. My OCD- brain kept scanning for mistakes I made, so to prepare for punishment= for bad things to happen.
“I don’t think telling him would help the situation, it may provide me relief by being honest, but I feel like it will only make him feel worse“- I agree.
“I just need some advice and guidance on how to let go. I know this was in the past and was in the early stages of our relationship. I also know I have grown into a different person now… I just would love to live in the moment and focus on the future of my relationship with him, instead of being filled with regret“- the adult part of you knows it was in the past, but whenever the inner child is obsessing, she is living in the traumatic past=present.
To let go of the obsessions, of the trouble within, your inner child needs more of this: “I felt so seen“: she needs to be seen more, to be seen and approved of, to be treated with empathy and patience, to not be punished again (by you or others). She needs you to take her side al the way. This is what worked for me, and what keeps working.
Please let me know what you think of what I wrote here.
anita
September 12, 2024 at 12:53 pm #438066HeatherParticipantHi I just stumbled upon this thread when searching for help with things I am struggling with. And I just wanted to say reading it really resonates with me. I am always expecting bad things to happen, things to go wrong and my childhood was similar to that which you outlined in an earlier message. It has been helpful to read. Even though it is not directed to me I thank you Anita
September 12, 2024 at 8:08 pm #438073anitaParticipant* Dear Heather: you are welcome, Heather, and if you would like to start your own thread, please do, and we will talk there.
anita
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