Dear Helcat,

When you say “We are mostly around.” who are you speaking for? Is there a pretty consistent group of responders on this site? I had a recent schedule change that I am getting used to right now.

You had exams? What are you studying!? I just started taking an open online course, The Philosophy of Death. The first half of the class is whether or not we have a soul and the second half is if ‘this conclusion’ then what next, and is suicide ever moral. I am super excited.

I bet your son is up and walking now! Still teething I bet, but getting better?

It is so cool that we were just speaking of Death according to Buddhist teachings, and I have now found my way to a philosophy course on it. It wasn’t what I was searching,  I have just had this recurring inspiration to take some philosophy and psychology courses, and my search lead me to two open courses and one was on death. What would be really cool is if I used the Buddhist perspective to write one of my papers for the class, there are three papers due throughout the course. Since it is an open course I don’t think I get to submit anything, but I am still going to write them. If not for myself, then maybe I use them to apply to the college program.

“He does sound special indeed.”

He is very special. He came to visit me for 10 days! Such a long time to have someone I only met twice but both our intuitions seemed align in that it would only bring good things. The best way to explain my connection with him is it felt like I was with myself. I felt this way after a couple days with him. He was some of my favorite and least favorite parts of me. My favorite parts were so comforting and reconnected me with parts of myself I haven’t accessed in a while. A big one was laughter. WE laughed sooo much, I felt comfortable being silly, just singing my lungs out in the car, sword fighting in a store with fake swords, I took him to improv with me and it was just a blast. He likes to make friends everywhere he goes too, and has this deep desire for connection. He’s very knowledgable about things I am not and taught me so many things. Not only that but listened to my insights and perspective on my life here, and he actually respected it and took advice from me. I felt valued. And seen 🙂

I have this gut feeling, that he and I will continue to run into eachother on our individual paths, and end up together. It is the strangest feeling though because I also think we both are following our hearts right now and trying to grow, and neither of us want to go against our instincts for the other.. This is what I mean ->

he is going to New Zealand for a year, he asked me to go, and to be his girlfriend. Something I would have loved to hear, but in that moment it just didn’t feel right. It felt like it would be over indulging in a passing pleasure, that would loop back around to us stronger if we just let it. I told him this. That although a scary thought, what if we just give this amazing connection we have, back to the universe and see what opportunities come from that.

days later, after laughter, getting to know one another and just having so many little adventures in mundane places. I started to doubt myself. I brought it back up and said, well we are only human.. are we suppose to trust this universe this much? or just take what it’s given us now? His response was amazing, because it somehow brought me back to my trust in the universe. He said “When I think of my trip to NZ it strikes a chord in me, that I just know I am suppose to go. When I considered bringing you, it didn’t affect that chord, not negatively but also not positively. Like I would still have my growth if you were with me. But if I were to steer you off your path, to come with me, that would break my heart.” I felt stronger after he said this, knowing we were making the right decision to wait. 🙂

“The majority of the time I feel like people are almost running on automatic and trying to develop the skills for their choices until their next window. Being proactive in development’s helps bring these windows closer together. Having lots of experiences brings lots of changes too in my experience. Bad and good, it is sometimes hard to see the outcome for many years. What do you think?”

Do you think if you run on automatic while trying to develop the skills for your next window, that you then miss the window?  It certainly resonates with me that being proactive in your development, brings the windows closer together. I really believe this year I have experienced more windows than other years. I also agree that lots of experiences bring changes with them, yes bad and good. Do you think we can be wise enough to avoid most the bad ones and intentionally select good ones? or that new experiences are just a gamble? Yes I agree, hard to see for many years. Even this situation with this special person I met, I have no idea when it will bear the fruit I know it will.

Seaturtle 🙂