Dear Anita,

“a recent awakening for me has been to see myself in a positive, empathetic light: something I needed to see so badly and for too long.”

– wow, I keep running into this within myself and others, being seen. You saw me in a positive and empathetic light 🙂 If we treat others how we are treating ourselves on the inside, then I’d say this forum is probably a great place to see others–> see yourself.. do you think so?

I wrote the above before seeing your next line. 🙂

Something I am learning about myself, through the special person, we will call K, revealed to me very intensely. He asked so many questions about me, my upbringing and surroundings, because he genuinely wants to understand me. However,
as I would express myself, I recognized in me, that after a certain amount of time talking I would start to feel like I was making things too much about myself. And I start to tap out, get shy and not want to talk about myself anymore. I think this applies to this forum as well. I think to come here with a current thought/struggle or question, but then I feel like I am being selfish.

I know I have run into this before with you, remember when I was questioning myself, wondering if I was narcissistic like my parents? So I ended up in a thought trail online, the other day, starting with “why do I over take responsibility in situations.” I searched this because I found, and my sister told me, that I have a pattern of blaming myself for a dynamic that isn’t my fault. Thinking it is my fault for feeling something, rather than it actually being a real feeling I need to validate and accept. Or thinking someones emotions are my responsibility. I read the article on “How toxic guilt and false responsibility keep you in dysfunction” (PsychCentral)  “as children and adolescents, people feel responsible for the needs and emotions of their parents. Usually this sense of responsibility comes from being overtly or covertly blamed and punished.” “…child is punished for making mistakes”

And this is where I got my answer on this fear of narcissism I have: “unlike people with strong narcissistic tendencies and similar dark personality traits who never take responsibility for their actions, people who suffer from false responsibility and toxic guilt are very quick to attribute what went wrong to themselves and blame themselves for it.”

Another thing that really resonated with me was this “Since people who suffer from chronic self-blame constantly feel shame and guilt, they are exceptionally susceptible to manipulation. The manipulator can always appeal to their false sense of responsibility…” I have had a fear of manipulation for a long time, after leaving my dads home, realizing only after looking back, that it was happening.

So to wrap this back to me feeling like I am taking up too much space, making things about my emotions or experiences. Doing this is unfamiliar to me. My parents always made things about themselves. I was allowed a small window of self expression, but after that time limit hits I feel I am too much. What do you think? I feel like this is alot of information I am still trying to process if you have a perspective to add or perhaps relate? As I know we both have parents like this.

Seaturtle 🙂