Hi Anita,

Wow, 5 months since my last post. I can be a real procrastinator, I am sorry!

I cannot tell you how many times I have thought to myself, I would like to catch up on our conversation. I am glad to be doing so now.

I loved your response to my confusion and the way you used scripture. I trust this.

The sexual abuse is still hard for me to address with my brother. I have not felt an opportunity or desire to do this.

These last few months I have had a decent amount of contact with family. My brother in Chicago had a wedding and asked me to be there so I actually seen my entire family for the first time in years. It went surprisingly well.  Most were very kind and seemed happy to see me. My aunt cried when she seen me. My cousins hugged me tight and let me know how much they missed me. I believe them. And I observed while I was there. I maintained my boundaries. I was present. Although, they love me and missed me, they are still who they are.  A lot of behaviors I chose to excuse myself from and conversations I chose to stay out of. Boundaries like that made this visit so much better. I tried to only give what I had and took breaks when I needed it.

This made me wonder if that’s all I needed to do from the beginning. Or if this is something I can go forward with, with family.

There is no doubt I needed to get away from my family in the past.  And I needed to grow as a person and have my own life. But I do enjoy knowing I am mending these relationships.  It makes me feel motivated to continue building my life. Just with boundaries this go around.

I have had some long and “therapy like” conversations with my OB. He has opened up so much to me. I can see he is really trying to change and explore his feelings and his past. I let him know after a really detailed conversation that I love him and want him to know I am here for him but really believe he needs to speak to a therapist. I put up a boundary and let him know that as he explores his past and continues to heal there will be too many things that come up that will be triggering for me since we grew up in the same household. I expressed that I am still healing myself.  I was proud to say that. He was accepting of that.

I really do see him trying in ways that I am surprised by and I am hoping that as he digs deep there can one day be a conversation and apology for the abuse.

I have asked myself if I am people pleasing in that. I know I am extending a lot of grace but I feel whole enough to do that at this point. Is that wrong?

Also, I don’t know if bringing that trauma to the fore front would be good for me right now. I am feeling more content and peaceful these days. Still have my ups and downs but so much more manageable. I am at a place where I just want to focus on continuing to build my foundation. Finding out who I am.

These are my late night thoughts. I am looking forward to hearing back from you Anita and hope that are doing well!