Dear Taylor2992:

“I’m trying to figure out how to stop repeating that pattern. When dating, I usually end up feeling attracted to guys who later stop putting in effort. I tend to chase them and help them with their problems (without really feeling like my emotional needs are being met) for a varying amount of time until I get fed up and end the relationship“- reads like a repeat of a child-parent pattern where the unattended, neglected child chases the inattentive, otherwise engaged parent, trying to solve the parent’s problems, so that problems solved, the parent will finally be able and willing to attend to the child.

That was my pattern in regard to my mother. It was a tormenting experience, the one with my mother, and although I chased her for a positive kind of attention, I was also angry at her (for the negative attention I received) and wanted her out of my life. This childhood/ adolescent experience led to a pattern in adulthood where I quickly got fed up with people and ended (very short) relationships with people.

“I had been dating a guy for about 2 months. I remember exactly the moment when the energy between us changed. nothing specific happened but we had a great date where he cooked me dinner and afterwards told me how much he appreciates me and likes spending time with me… and then suddenly his communication became very flat and much more sparse… I asked him if everything was ok and he said he was stressed about work… I started to feel very anxious, thinking I did something wrong to drive him away“- reads like he lost interest because of stress at work or for some other reason. The thought that you did something wrong to drive him away is similar to how a child reacts to a parent’s distancing/ rejection: I must have done something wrong!

“However communication increased on both sides and we ended up talking on the phone for 2 hours and he then initiated sexting. I asked him if he’d want to meet up when I was back… he ended up never responding… this time I decided to try yet another way to break the pattern which was to be completely honest. I told him that I get anxious when I feel like connection is inconsistent and that I need reassurance that he’s still interested. He said he is interested but that he was thrown off by me ending things… it’s been 2 days and he hasn’t responded“- reads to me that although you were honest with him, he was not honest with you when he told you that he is still interested (unless he meant that he is interested in occasional sexting or such). There is a saying, the proof is in the pudding, which to me means that there is no need for his words to indicate his lack of interest. His behavior is evidence enough.

“I’ve tried to follow my intuition and I’ve also tried to do counterintuitive things to see if it’s my intuition that’s tricking me, but all roads feel like they lead to the same outcome. I realize my behaviors in this instance were not perfect so maybe the answer is to just keep doing trial and error? I practice mindfulness and meditation, I try to sit in the discomfort and examine where this is all coming from (childhood, relationship with parents). I feel like I’ve made so much progress, but it’s demoralizing that the pattern continues to repeat in relationships. has anyone figured out a way to break their patterns?“- my thoughts: (1) unresolved anxiety-producing issues from childhood interfere with intuition. Ongoing fear (anxiety) interferes with all good things, (2) when unresolved issues from childhood are significant enough.. indeed, in adulthood, all roads feel like they lead to the same outcome, or as I say, we keep re-living our childhood emotional experience in adult circumstances, (3) trial and error works only after we adequately resolve childhood issues,

(4) Congratulations for practicing mindfulness and meditation, for sitting with the discomfort, for examining the origin of your patterns (childhood, relationship with parents), and for making so much progress!

Personal note: I remember how disappointed I used to feel when I though that I understood enough, healed enough, only to find myself in bad situations and feeling badly about myself.. yet again. It took a LOT of patience and finally, empathy for myself, to keep moving forward regardless.. to keep moving toward a healthier and healthier state of mind and life.

anita