Dear Taylor:

“I guess that’s how anxiety works, you just want the answer. I get impatient to know if someone is going to work for me or not, but it’s obviously not that black and white“- the someone who is going to work for you is the kind of someone who is honest and straightforward, a black-and-white kind of man when it comes to certain things. Otherwise, you’d be confused and anxious.

“I do struggle with what the ‘appropriate’ response is as you say. I feel like I can’t trust myself to know what behaviors will lead me to a healthier place, or will be digestible by the person on the receiving end“- I think that you will struggle way less in regard to an appropriate response if you are interacting with an appropriate man for you: one who is honest and straightforward.

“It could be that you’re right in this case I should have just ignored him – problem was he was still contacting me, and I don’t feel comfortable ghosting people“- if you knew that he was contacting you for the purpose of using you selfishly/ taking advantage of you, you wouldn’t feel badly about ghosting him, would you?

It’s important to figure out the man’s motivation in contacting you. You can ask a man in a straightforward way: what is your motivation with me, what is it that you want? and listen to his answer (or lack of answer.. which would be answer enough).

“I guess this comes back to boundary-setting“- boundary setting with a motivationally compatible man would be very different from boundary setting with a motivationally incompatible man.

“– do you suggest just asking people to stop contacting you when you start seeing evidence that are ‘a little bit interested, but not that much’?“- if you are looking for a monogamous, committed relationship with a man, and he is looking for occasional sexting or hookups, then yes, tell him to stop contacting you due to.. a significant difference in motivational compatibility.

“This brings things back to the original title of my post which is how to know if it’s my own insecurity with normal fluctuations in interest, and it scares me that I’m pushing away good people who really are interested“- there are normal fluctuations in interest in men who are only interested in hookups and in men who are interested in monogamous, committed relationship. Everyone’s interest fluctuates in regard to any topic.

* from previously: “I told him that I get anxious when I feel like connection is inconsistent and that I need reassurance that he’s still interested… it’s been 2 days and he hasn’t responded“- you did not push away a good person in this case. You pushed away a man who does not care about how you feel and what you need (if he cared, he would have responded in the last few days).

Yesterday, I commented on the above quote: “you talked to him as if there’s been a long-term relationship with him going on, years-long. What you told him was probably too much/ too heavy for him”. I am editing and adding today: you talked to him as if he cared how you feel and what you need. Seems to me that this is a man who is interested in a very casual on-again, off-again relationship with you, so hearing about what you feel and need beyond the casual would be indeed too much/ too heavy for him.

But what is your loss in it being too much for him?

You lose a casual on-again, off-again thing, that’s all. Not a real loss, is it?

anita