Dear Clara:

Thank you! Although I was up for a while in the early hours, I fell back asleep and had more sleep per night than I had in a long time.

“I was re reading some of our conversations recently… I started to understand breaking up is the way out for her to escape her emotions… this allows her to escape from me and thus no need to dig out the way she relates to me and others. Thus no need to reflect… say I want to run a marathon and got cold feet and just say ‘I am not interested its not for me’. This is a lie to myself and the negative feelings associated with me lying to myself, will unconsciously affect me. Because what I said and did, was not genuine“- Yes, I think that many people break up rather than reflect and change, so to avoid the pain, distress and hard work involved in reflecting and changing. 

On the other hand, when a person gets cold feet and says running is not for me!– it may be true and genuine (not a lie) that the person doesn’t like the idea of running, not anymore.

“But of course, the break up can also be something that she really wanted ( then I also cannot fully explain why she is in such a pain after u get something that u really want, anyways)“- I am sorry to say (because it hurts you), but from the totality of what you shared about her words and behaviors, it seems to me that she really wanted the breakup.

As far as her being in such a pain, last you shared about it was on Sept 7: “So I texted her early this week… She suggested…  to use a google form (to communicate in regard to the yoga studio, so that the two of you don’t meet there by accident). I thought it was a bit sad to revert to this, while I thought we could just text each other like normal interaction. So I counter suggested that I would just text her… Later that night I texted her… She… said she was too emotional still and was afraid if any of our conversation went sour, she could not handle, and so she wished to limit the interaction. She said I might think it’s easy for her to move on, but she was still in so much pain“- I am sorry to say this (again, because I think it hurts you..), but I think that the too emotional and so much pain are lies designed to make you feel less rejected by her, more empathetic to her, and therefore, less angry with her. I think that she is scared of you pursuing contact with her (texting, having conversations, and more), scared of your intensity (an intensity I noticed as a virtual 3rd party). She may be afraid that you will hurt her, that you will become a vindictive or vengeful ex.

The problem with these lies as that although it may calm you a bit (you thinking that she cares or cared so much for you, and will care again), long-term it keeps hope alive in you, and therefore,  it keeps you from moving on. Best would be if you really no longer contact her, not for any reason. This is what she really wants, seems to me. I am sorry.

“to answer your question: no I do no need for someone to save me. I think I would practice loving myself or my little self more so I feel the warmth and love from inside“- there many books and workbooks, real paper or online, in regard to Inner Child Work, which are designed to help people feel the warmth and love from inside. I wonder if you did any such work using a workbook..? (I did: Homecoming: Reclaiming and healing your inner Child/ John Bradshaw)

anita