Dear Seaturtle:

“As my natural self is revealing itself, the conflict is the thought ‘stop this is too much expression!’“- I think that the wording too much means something bad, that therefore, something that shouldn’t be expressed.

In a recent reply I quoted about shakti: “Shakti in Hinduism, is the ‘universal power‘ that underlies and sustains all existence…  energy, ability, strength, effort, power, might, capability“, and I suggested that “to tap into/ to be One with Shakti, it takes trusting yourself to be a good person first, because you wouldn’t allow a bad person all that power and capability”.

About my experience: for as long as I believed or heavily suspected, that I was a bad person, I was too troubled and confused to exercise power in my own life, too troubled to steer my own ship, so to speak. So, I let the ship (me) passively drift any which way the wind (other people and circumstances) took it.

I desperately needed to know that I am a good person so to feel that I have the (moral) right to exercise power in my own life.

The person that made me believe, or heavily suspect, that I was a bad person was my mother. On a regular basis, she accused me- in long, protracted, paranoid and histrionic sessions of accusations- of plotting to hurt her feelings and humiliate her. She accused me of planning what to say and do, weeks and months in advance, all for the (intentional) purpose of causing her emotional pain. No objections, explanations or denials on my part made her stop.

Who plans and intentionally actualizes plans to cause pain to one’s mother, if not a bad person..?

As I said, I tried to explain to her that there was no intention, no plan.. because I knew that there was no such intent or plan, but over time, I didn’t know– know. I wasn’t sure that she was wrong. I doubted myself. I became very careful about the words I said, or thought about saying, too anxious, too careful.

The anxiety and Guilt (feeling like a bad person) that she instilled in me tormented me for most of my life. The harm done to me by her accusatory and histrionic sessions still lingers. I think of the majority of my life as a stolen life, stolen and held hostage by her.

I couldn’t, wasn’t able to access Shakti= to become powerful in my own life, not for as long as I wasn’t able to peel the Guilty-Suspect-Label off of me. I waited and waited for her to give me the permission to live my own life (by telling me that I was a good person) long after I knew that I was still waiting. I gave her all that I could give her, money included, but never got the Good Person label from her. So, for the majority of my life, I drifted in a purgatory, drifting between heaven (waiting to be labeled Good) and hell (resisting being labeled Bad).

Waiting.

Back to you: “What comes to mind immediately is that there are things I fear that I am, that I don’t want to be. But some of those things I am also unsure if they are true, or they are just what I have been told. Like F’s accusing me of being selfish, controlling and manipulative“- it is possible, as it had been in my case, for a child who is 100% empathetic (good) with a parent, to become an unempathetic adult. I grew up to be.. not  a good person with lots of people, sadly.

I believe that you were not selfish, controlling, manipulative, etc., when it came to your father, but it is possible that you have been so with others, to one extent or another, at times.. is it possible?

“I know I have good aspects, and I am optimistic I see myself as majorly good, a lot of the time, but definitely not fully. Do you see yourself as fully good?“- I currently see myself as a good person. I define a good person as a person who cares to do no harm, and to help people whenever possible.

To view myself as a good person, I had to go back to the past and peel off the Guilty-Suspect-Label that my mother repeatedly and viciously placed on me, and then re-label everything and everyone: (1) my mother presented herself as a good person: no she was not a good person. To me, and to those most vulnerable to her, she was a bad person,

(2) my mother presented me as a bad person: no I was not a bad person. I was as good a person to her as can be. My empathy was with her, I would have done anything to help her, and I did do all that I could.

I grew up to be an angry person, and sometimes.. a bad person (judged by my harmful vocalized words and actions). I earned my good-person-label by repeatedly and intentionally correcting my behaviors (words said/ typed, and chosen actions) from Harmful to Helpful, best I can.

(3) other people whom she accused of being bad people (everyone, sooner or later), many of them where better people than she was, and none of them was as bad to me as she was.

These days, whenever I notice that I think/ feel judgmental of people, I address the situation and whenever, wherever possible and appropriate,  I shift from judgment => to empathy. I don’t view myself as a bad person for thoughts that occur to me, or feelings that pass through me, no matter how.. “ugly”, because I know that I don’t choose them.

I hold myself responsible for what I say, type and do, not for unchosen thoughts and feelings. When I find myself thinking/ feeling what may lead to harmful words or actions, I redirect my attention => to thoughts and feelings that are congruent with helping, not with harming.

Using words from the title of your thread, I’d say: Surrender to the fact that you are not fully/ perfectly good, correct the ways in which you harm others (something we should all do), and accessing Shakti– continue to heal yourself and, like a song says: “Heal the world- Make it a better place- For you and for me and the entire human race” (Heal the World).

anita