Dear Dave:

I want to read and reply to you more thoroughly this morning:

You (38) and her (30) are both new divorcees, and she has two small children and a job, always very busy. You saw each other every Tuesday for 4 months (that’s 16 times), plus one vacation and a couple of other random nights. Total 18 in-person meetings and a vacation (of a couple of days, I am assuming, being that she is very busy).

“It was very hot and very fast… It felt like we had both known each other forever… Constant contact all day every day the entire 4 months: multiple forms of media, all initiated by her. Then last week, the dreaded break up text out of the blue. No call, no talk“- reads like she lost interest in you/ in a relationship with you.

I am sorry, I know that it hurts when this happens.

Re-reading the message she sent you, “‘I can’t commit to someone else at this time, it’s not fair that I can’t see you more than once(ish) per week, we’re in different stages of life“- reads like she referred to a dissatisfaction that you expressed to her about not being able to see he more often than once per week. And seems like she was referring (?) to an interest in commitment that you expressed to her. It may be that facing your expressed interest in seeing her more often and in being committed to each other.. she withdrew, not interested.

“Then last week, the dreaded break up text out of the blue… It had seemed like in the week before the texting had lessened a bit“- the breakup was out of the blue for you, but in the making for a week, on her end. Looking at the title of the thread you chose to post in, “I just randomly and suddenly fell out of love“, reads like it seemed random and sudden to you, but it took at least a week, a week of contemplation perhaps, on her part.

Back to her breakup message: “it’s nothing you did and there’s no one else, I think you’re a great person“- maybe she referred here to self-doubt that you expressed to her, as in concerns that you said or did something wrong.. (?) Maybe she meant it (and I tend to believe that she did mean it), that she values you as a person. Nonetheless, these words, this reassurance is often used to deliver breakups so to promote peace, to prevent anger on the part of the person one is breaking up with.

“I can meet with her whenever she wants…the idea of sending 50 messages to her every day (like the previous 120 days) felt innate at this point“- you were willing and able to see her whenever she wanted, and you sent her 50 messages every day for 120 days.

“I can’t imagine this doesn’t feel eerily weird to her as well. When she has her kids she’s probably very busy, but when she doesn’t she has to notice the gap in her life.  She also has a much larger family/friend support group than I do, which may allow her to keep her mind busier than mine“- you don’t have children and not many interactions with family and friends. She has many more interactions with family and friends (when she is not too busy), and she has two children who emotionally and physically depend on her. The gap that the breakup leaves in your life is therefore larger than the gap left in her life. Her absence from your life leaves a big gap, and therefore it feels eerily weird.

Reads like emotionally and socially, you needed her more than she needed you. Perhaps, having two children who emotionally depend on her, she didn’t want another dependent, so to speak: a man emotionally depending on her..?

“I believe it’s not the length of the relationship that matters, but the depth. I feel almost ridiculous saying a 4-month relationship was so deep, but this one hit differently in my heart for whatever reason. I think that is all for now. Happy to share more info as needed“- is the depth you are referring to, is it the depth of your need for her?

When you say “this one hit differently in my heart“, do you mean differently than previous relationships/ marriage affected you, and if so, how?

anita