Hi Anita

Thank you always for your boundless compassion and understanding! I’m glad that you had a good time socialising. I’m sorry to hear about your continued sleep difficulties. I think that you really truly deserve peaceful rest. All you do is try your best to help others. I’m sorry that sleep isn’t working out for you. ❤️

You are right, a low stress environment is really important for me to manage my health. I did a lot of work before to build up my tolerance to stress and to remove unnecessary stress from my life. The baby dysregulated my nervous system, particularly to do with the hormones (cortisol levels get progressively higher throughout pregnancy) and partially due to stressful circumstances. I haven’t recovered from that yet. I’m not able to cope with stress at the moment. Because of the baby, I’m not really able to do much self-care either. Just busy looking after him really.

I do agree that blame is harmful. It is difficult because sometimes communicating problems and feedback is needed. Upon reflecting, I think that communicating these things with love is important.

I have been thinking and learning about things. I think why this has all hurt so much has been because I have struggled with self-love. My husband was the person who taught me to love myself. I know it is maladaptive, but I based this around his feelings for me.

It is a childish logic, but for someone who hadn’t  experienced much love in life because I always lacked it, I felt unworthy of it. I blamed myself as the cause instead of seeing that some people are unable. When he loved me, he saw me as worthy. I felt like I was good enough for the first time because he told me I was.

Having these relationship difficulties, feeling the loss of love. It makes me feel unworthy and unlovable. Logically, I know that this isn’t true. But logic doesn’t dictate emotions sometimes. It takes a while for them to catch up.

On top of the relationship difficulties, my whole life has changed as a result of having a baby. A coping method I used to reassure myself was proving my worthiness to myself. I worked hard and tried my best to help people etc. Now my life is mostly just helping my family.

For a long time, I suffered with disliking myself for the difficulties I experienced in life. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I worked hard to change myself into someone that I could be proud of.

I am still that same person. I just can’t prove it to myself anymore. I think I need to work on loving and accepting myself as I am.

Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏