There’s some great stuff here by Lisa and Julia. Your perception of conflict between accepting yourself and losing weight struck me too. These are not in opposition. You’re not looking for a middle balance. You’ll looking for the point of view where you see there is no conflict between the two.

You’re trying to move from one motivating force to another. From controlling to caretaking. This will take time and a lot of stops and starts, but once you get the hang of it life will be better. And it doesn’t mean you’ll balloon up like Violet Beauregarde, I promise. That’s the fear, and I know it’s scary as hell to let go of what control you feel you have, but you can do it. Bit by bit, try to be less of a dictator to yourself and more of a caring parent. Would a caring parent feed you junk? No. Would a caring parent yell at you for wanting to eat nothing but cookies? Of course not.

Don’t give up on yourself. You’re a beautiful and worthy human being.