Firstly, thank you all for your lovely, kind replies, they mean so much to me.

Thank you Jasmine, I have actually had some hypnotherapy which has helped. I had a tough childhood and 18 months ago i had a falling out with my brother after he chased me and scared me half to death, he is ill with mental health issues and regrets deeply what he did but I haven’t spoken to him since. I had a tough year last year grieving the loss of my Nan, having serious anxiety issues as I became scared to go out incase I saw my brother, agoraphobia set in and my family sided with my brother because they felt sorry for him and I wouldn’t forgive him so I became a black sheep in the family. This is all ok though as it’s made me a stronger person. I am now at peace with what he did to me, I have a little relationship with my sisters again and my mum but I keep them at arms length so that they can’t hurt me again. They have always been a very volatile family, my friends and husband can’t believe I actually am one of them, I am so different lol! I went through alot but what happened really woke me up, for years people told me to walk away from my family, that their nastiness and arguments caused my anxiety, even my GP said this to me but I ignored his advice. It took a big incident for me to wake up and for that I am thankful, it’s made me change my life. I may have gone through hell with the anxiety, agoraphobia and now OCD but my own family life has been much better since walking away from my destructive family. I now just need to find a way to cope better with my OCD and anxiety and things will get much better. I have lost my confidence and rarely go out alone because of the agoraphobia which is tough and my days can be pretty lonely, I have too much time to think about my condition.

My thoughts are frightening, about me hurting myself or hitting my children. I see horrible images of me punching my daughter and it terrifies me. Or I get scary thoughts of jumping off bridges, windows, down the stairs…. all very strange, scary thoughts. I told my GP at the end of last year and he suggested medication, I hate medication but I agreed as I felt desperate. I now regret it because I don’t think it helps me other than to sleep, but I don’t feel strong enough right now to go through withdrawal.

Bridget. Thank you so much, your reply was inspiring. It really helps to know I am not alone in this. I had begun to wonder if I was seriously sick in the head. I am only 34, married for 12 years, 3 beautiful children. I love them more than life and I want nothing more than to be the happy mum they had and not worry like this. I want to be able to take them on holiday, to just do normal things without these thoughts torturing me and confining me to home alot of the time.

I shall read that book, thank you. What you have said to me really gives me hope. It’s so nice to hear from people who have overcome their anxieties. I so want to feel at peace with my condition.

Thank you Maria. It’s so hard isn’t it, you feel ashamed and scared to tell anyone your thoughts. Thank you for messaging me, it really does help knowing others have gone through this, not that I like hearing others suffer of course. xx