Hello Alice,

I have several toxic relationships in my history. I don’t really care to go into details, because it is in the past for me now and the circumstances actually do not matter that much. Also, I think I have forgiven it all, so I’ve pretty much also forgotten it all as well 🙂

There are two things that I learned at different points, which made all the difference and made forgiveness rather easy for me:

1) How I got treated wasn’t really even about me. It could’ve been someone else in my position, and they would’ve gotten the same treatment. Sure, the hurtful comments are always personal, as otherwise they wouldn’t be hurtful, but the reason behind the comments wasn’t me, but the other person’s inability to handle their own pain and hurt. Mind you, I’ve said and done many hurtful things as well, and I do know that it was always my own pain coming out. It was a cry for help. That said, it’s not an excuse, and we are all responsible for our actions and it is our responsibility to choose to start healing instead of continuing to destroy ourselves and those around us. Which brings me to the second realization…

2) Toxic relationships require two people with unhealthy or twisted views of relationships. There’s no reason to hold onto shame and guilt, but to be brutally honest with oneself and understand where the mate selection went wrong. It is really hard to be honest and accept one’s own part in the whole mess, especially if you’ve taken on the role of the understanding victim. Sometimes I think that it’s even more difficult to realize that you actually need healing if you’re the person who works in more passive ways. Other people will give you understanding and support you, and so there is no reason to face the fact that those relationships skills aren’t good either. So the person moves on from one failed relationship to another, completely baffled as to why they deserve such treatment and if they are in fact cursed or unworthy.

I do need to point out that my view is based on the sort of society where we’re all free to choose who we want to be with. Also, the way we view relationships does have it’s roots in our childhood and our experiences. Each and every narcissist and sociopath I know has a history of domestic violence or cold and unloving parents. That can not be healed in the context of a romantic relationship. You can’t fix other people, but you can choose to fix and heal yourself, if you are lucky enough to realize that you need healing.

I know my response isn’t terribly warm or empathic, but it did help me a lot to have a more neutral and emotionally untangled view of my own past. It’s good to allow oneself to feel all the feelings as well, but I do think it’s better to draw conclusions based on a more neutral view, and not create a narrative for yourself when you are feeling scared and wounded. Just get it all out and feel it all, and only start the analysis after you’ve calmed down.